[UpDownAround]

I have some major stress going on lately.

My job is guaranteed to end within a couple of years and it could be any day now at the earliest. I have been in the same position a long time getting annual increases most years and make substantially more than my position usually pays, so when the job ends I am probably looking at a period of unemployment then assuming I find something quickly (fortunately, where I am my skills are in demand), I will have a cut in pay.

I have been hemorrhaging cash in recent months; two kids had ER visits and were IP. One of my kids signed up for community college and then withdrew after the refund deadline (another source of stress is that he is on a trajectory that would make him a dependent for the foreseeable future). My wife's van needs new tires. Most of this is going on cards, as was most of Christmas. At my current pay, cards are a buffer and I could pay it down before very long (if expenses slow), but not at lower pay. We have kids about to get full license that need to be insured and we are talking about getting a used car for them.

The good news is that I know where I can get the money. The bad news is that it would be from my retirement account. Another source of stress is that it is becoming obvious that I will need to push my retirement date back because of the likelihood of a lower paying job and having to use some of the retirement funds for other purposes. Also because I may have kids still in the house as dependents longer than I hoped. I am within 5 years of what had been my target date for decades; now I am not sure what the target is, but I know it is more than 5.

My relationship with my wife is nothing close to what I would like. We don't really act like a couple. We don't fight, but we don't do things together, sleep apart and she isn't interested in physical affection and hasn't been for some time. I cannot see this going on indefinitely.

I rarely see my family. My dad is upset with me over a disagreement between his wife and I and currently doesn't really want to keep in touch. He is late 80s.

I don't have a circle of friends right now, except for some distant ones. I need to socialize more and I would prefer to do it with my wife as a couple, but that isn't likely to happen. So I need to figure out some things to get involved in alone. In the past, I was in a woodworking club where I had a few friends and I had a few fishing buddies, but no one in either group that I clicked with enough to really become friends.

So, what's the point of all this other than to get it off my chest? I have been depressed and had a lot of anxiety recently. I am not sure what is a rational response and what might be BP related. I was drinking to escape it up until 7 months ago when I quit, which is a good thing, but it means I have no escape now, not even for a few hours. I am hesitant to ask for medication to relieve stress given my history of abuse. This is not healthy, though. I am probably aging at a high rate right now.

"Real stress and ""
I'm sorry but I fall to see your humor

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by 2ISAB

"Real stress and ""
I'm sorry but I fall to see your humor

There was no humor intended. This was as much journaling as anything else and reaching out to some folks I interact with here often enough to consider online friends.

[Moreta]

Just a thought. When I got to the age of being able to drive I had to pay my own car insurance. I worked during the summers to pay for it and when I turned 18 I got a job working nights while in high school. My parents paid for most other things, but never car insurance. Yes I worked from when I was 15 and it sometimes kills me that I'm not working now. Gotta love that whole baby boomer mentality that they pounded into their kids heads that you work until you die. haha.

[FearlesslyTheIdiot]

I'm sorry all this is happening seemingly at once my man. I'm not here to solve your problems, but I can say that if your kids are getting their licenses, they need to get jobs, especially if they want to afford things like car insurance or even their cell phones. You shouldn't have to take huge penalties by withdrawing or getting a loan from your 401k just to get used car(s) for them. That is ridiculous and you should not be expected to poop out a car for them just because they have their license. It is not a parental requirement in my eyes.

[newtothis31]

I would really discourage you from drawing upon your retirement account. Following Dave Ramsey has helped me. It's great that you want to help your kids with their driving expenses, but there is an opportunity for them to take responsibility and figure out how they can help with the insurance costs.

With ER visits, you can set-up a payment plan with the medical providers.

At least you have a retirement account. I'll probably be working until I'm in my mid 70s. Can your wife find better employment before your job ends? As far as the distance you are having from your wife, that sounds awful. I would let her know that you want to have a partnership and ask her what you need to do to re-build your relationship.

Shop around for van tires. NextDoor may have some recommendations. I also met my current best friend from posting on the NextDoor app.

[UpDownAround]

Part of it is that to be able to work they need transportation and having my wife and I play taxi driver to 3 kids is not really workable. Worse is that we set a precedent with their older brother. Yeah, that's my fault and actually another source of stress that I did not enumerate is bad parenting choices that I cannot go back and fix and now pay the price for.

No penalty for accessing the 401k in about 4 months. It is reasonably well funded, though no matter how much you have it seems like the magic number is higher. The only upside to ending up in a lower paying job is that we will be forced to adjust our level of spending and the 401k balance will be a larger percentage of income for more years, if that makes any sense. My family has been spoiled by a fairly high income for a number of years. Yet another stressor is the apparent failure to realize how lucky we have been instead of anticipated disappointment in me for bringing in less in the future. I need a bright spot badly.

[bizi]

Congratulations on being sober for 7 months!!!!!!
Pat yourself on your back.
I agree with the others about your kids paying for their own car insurance and cell phones and doing their own laundry when you get down to real life stuff.
I am not a parent so I throw this out to you:
You are the parent so you have rules for them to follow.
If you want to live here then obey the rules.
That is how I grew up.
I worked so I could buy myself clothes for school.
When you turn 18 you can leave.
I would encourage you to check out meet up groups. Find some out side activities that you would enjoy or rekindle. Maybe your church if you attend would have a mens group???
As far as your wife goes. Only you have the ability for change.
You could ask her to go to marriage counseling if you want your marriage to be different.
Maybe it is time for a romantic vacation weekend get away????
I feel for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Congrats on the 7 months free of alcohol.

Do you have a therapist? Mine has been really helpful. Sometimes I see things through a lens that just makes me feel hopeless when that really isn’t the case. You may be able to find a new reality for yourself.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by key tones

Congrats on the 7 months free of alcohol.

Do you have a therapist? Mine has been really helpful. Sometimes I see things through a lens that just makes me feel hopeless when that really isn’t the case. You may be able to find a new reality for yourself.

I haven't been to see her in quite a while. Yet another stressor is that my wife accepted a promotion that requires her to be in the office most days for long hours. She used to be able to work from home much of the time and set her own hours, so she took care of shuttling kids to appointments, meeting repairmen at the house or whatever. Now I do and it is hard to fit in appointments for myself.

[Tucson]

I suggest opening a home equity line of credit. This assumes you have significant equity in you house. For example, I was approved for a $50,000 line if credit. Due to various reasons, including spending about $3,000 on myself, I have spent $30,000. For the first ten years, I only pay the interest of 4.3 percent. So for $30,000, I pay $125 a month. Also the first ten years is the draw period. This is when I can use the line of credit. Then I am allowed 20 years to pay it off. This is when I pay both principle and interest. I think this should be around 1% of the loan every month. I do not know if this includes interest charges, however, most home equity lines of credit (HELOC) are similar except perhaps the length of the payoff period. So doing the calculations, including possible additional interest charges, I see that I will be OK. This is if I stay at $30,000 in debt. I do suspect the 1% includes interest charges based on a comment the banker made to me. There is a formula that they gave me which I remember using which comes close to this for $20,000.

This is just a suggestion. Sorry for the belated response. Oh yes, I told the bank that I am using this money for home improvement, and debt consolidation. This is for the most part true.

[UpDownAround]

I have a HELOC; it paid for new windows for the entire house, which we needed, but now it is just another bill.