Struggling with Past Behaviors

Im struggling with alot of my past behaviors before I was on medication. Alot of them were recent because Ive only been on medication for 5 week. Its just difficult to not look back with regret for all the F***** up behaviors and super bad decisions. I know thats whats leading to my wife divorcing me as she cant trust me any longer. How do others work through all those things that that were done prior to medication and also post medication as well.

I did what was probably the wrong thing to do, but it seemed safe at the time. I avoided the people that observed and were affected by the behavior, other than the people I knew loved me unconditionally. For example, I didn't go to part of the town for fear I'd see someone from my workplace. Once I saw someone from my work place and I ran and hid.

I had some pretty bad encounters with the pharmacy staff at a CVS when hypomanic or manic. Eventually I had to change pharmacies. I eventually go into that pharmacy again, but only in the store part. Not for prescription medications. Also, I avoided a particular diner after having had a major outburst there. I have since returned, but the staff there has changed.

I lost a lot of friends because of my hypomanic and manic behavior. I've even quit a good friend because of anxieties around her. I almost feel like now that I am doing much better that I'll need to make a new start.

The above is surely horrible examples. I hope someone else responds to your post with good advice.

Therapy. Its a combination of accepting responsibility, forgiving yourself and developing tools to cope better in the future. It is not easy by any means, but I find therapy is helping me cope more than I could on my own.

my therapist isnt available right now so its been hard. But i agree thats really what i need.

Before my diagnosis, I became SUPER manic, I walked out on my husband and only saw my kids 3 days a week. I partied, drank a lot, did drugs and slept around. I have flash backs about that time as It was so out of character for me. The memories haunt me everyday.

I was just diagnosed this past monday and got on the path to recovery/correct medications for BP2.. it's been (that i know of) a minimum of 13 years of my life (starting when i was 17) without a HINT that I should have been getting help. No one knew, I didn't know, family couldn't tell and just thought I was a compulsive liar and an asshole in general when in fact it was just a manic episode leading to those behaviors and choices.

I don't know that I'll ever be able to even tell my stepdad about my condition let alone try to somehow justify or explain why things happened the way they did. Our relationship is excellent now, and I don't want to drudge up the past just because I feel bad about what I did. I can't change the past but I can do my best from this moment going forward, hopefully that is enough for them (the people affected) and me.

I struggle each and everyday. I carry around so much baggage it can be unbearable at times. I tried going to a T to help deal with all this but it did not help. I guess I had the wrong T.

For one thing I don't beat myself up. That's not going to change anything. I have made a lot of bad decisions, but dwelling on them isn't going to change them.

I have compassion for myself. I did the best I could under those circumstances. I have not have been in my right mind for a long time. I had an undiagnosed, then misdiagnosed, mental illness, one of many. It's not to excuse behavior, but more to understand how I was at that time.

I look at the past and I learned a lot from it. I may never see those that I hurt, other than my immediate family. I did have some insights, both good and bad. I add these to my coping skill toolbox and used them as needed.

I am trying to get there.
QUOTE=Fharraige;5977711]For one thing I don't beat myself up. That's not going to change anything. I have made a lot of bad decisions, but dwelling on them isn't going to change them.

I have compassion for myself. I did the best I could under those circumstances. I have not have been in my right mind for a long time. I had an undiagnosed, then misdiagnosed, mental illness, one of many. It's not to excuse behavior, but more to understand how I was at that time.

I look at the past and I learned a lot from it. I may never see those that I hurt, other than my immediate family. I did have some insights, both good and bad. I add these to my coping skill toolbox and used them as needed.[/QUOTE]

—-it might be too soon to look back because you are now adjusting to the medication and forging ahead. I think the farther out u get, the more perspective u will have. Apologies may give closure. After I diagnosed myself 40 yrs ago, I still repeated many mistakes. There is so much rushing in today’s world. Glad I am older and had time to look at my patterns more closely and try to reduce the pattern. I wrote it down and some of it is pretty obvious. But I will have to be strong and deliberate to break the cycle, ask for help, seek out info, be patient. Good luck

I beat myself up from time to time. One of the worst things I have done is leave my friends wedding reception. He is old school Italian. Weddings are very sacred. I was in the wedding party. He has not talked to me since. That was at least 35 years ago.

I can relate a lot. One of my biggest problems is that I beat myself up, but at the same time, I have some of the same destructive patterns that repeat themselves when I am in a really bad episode. I am very impulsive. However, I try to remain open to forgive myself. There are things that I once thought were so horrible that I was eventually able to get past by reminding myself that I am human. All we can do is our best to move forward in the future, but forgiving yourself is really the first step. Otherwise, constant self-criticism can throw you into another bad episode from the stress and depression.
I know it's easy to wonder, how can I help myself? I find therapy and even self-help videos on youtube to keep my spirits high(er) or just by sharing here and seeing that I am not alone. It's one day at a time. You can move forward from this! Please hang in there. Trust me, there's a lot of things I have done that I look back on. Medication has helped me have fewer episodes and gives me the ability to gain some perspective.
Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.

I don't hold anything (except ruining my parent cross country trip) against my self. All my mistakes made me who I am today and people like me so I guess it's okay. I've lost tons to this illness but it's been for the best.

Wow. It’s like listening to myself. I’m really sorry to see that you are going through these struggles. Before I was properly diagnosed My wife divorced me because of the same thing. We are very similarly medicated. It was actually my ex wife that mentioned being bp. By taking my meds , being brutally honest with the world and the people around me, very slowly the regret became a thing In my past. I do the next right thing and try not to make the same mistakes again. I too did many f*** up things that I’m not proud of. If u take it easy one step at a time **** will fall into place. It probably doesn’t seem that way right now. It will though. Time heals.
Thanks for sharing. Makes me feel less alone on this.