I lack a support system, I lack a lot of things -- including the will to stand up for myself, make changes to better the outcomes, and energy to even make it through the day half the time. I can't respect myself half the time, how can I expect kids or my colleagues to do the same?

I blame myself for most of it -- I'm just a "that guy" -- you know, the one who can't seem to get his **** together. Judgement of others is not a big deal anymore. I live in a small town and I know how things are -- Hell, I almost lost my job because of my severe depression... no, let me be honest here, I almost lost it because I didn't smile enough or look happy. I'm a teacher, so it's not like he was totally off base but to go as far as to threaten to fire me if I didn't was too much. I forced a smile ever since there... 2 and half years later and that smile is wearing thin again. I can't keep pretending constantly things are OK. They aren't. I have my good patches and I'm just in a rough one I guess.

I know I'm gonna get the messages "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it. Be a better person and stop complaining about your life". I'll probably hear that more than once in my life, and if you want to leave a comment letting me know that I won't stop you -- but understand, no one else if going to look out for you but you. I care and can see my shortcomings. I know my pity party is a downer for everyone else -- which is also why my interaction with others is minimal. I try to be supportive and a good friend when I can be, but I know I'm more hassle than I'm worth.

Again, this message was just to get out my frustration into the air. Journaling helps, but silent words and comments to myself don't always pack the punch I wish they would. Sometimes I just feel I need to be heard, even if my requests and wants are stupid and my fault.

--- end of rant ---

[FallDuskTrain]

You will probably not get any responses telling you to get over it or stop feeling for yourself. That would be hypocritical as almost all of us on PC have been dealing with the same or similar challenges, feelings and well... hell.
Unfortunately, I cannot offer any solution as I just posted something very similar, about an hour ago.
PC can be your support system.
You are not alone. I promise. Please reach out and share. It helps.

[Skeezyks]

[SorryShaped]

PC is my support system. I care more about the people here than those that are supposed to love me make me feel loved. Let it all out here. Just don't cuss a bunch because THEY hate that.
Sometimes that SEG($&_$ eating grin) is the only smile you got. I was supposed to do that in every job I had and customers aren't complete without one. Fkem. I behaved how I felt and if they cheered me up cool. I didn't stay employed very long in any customer service job, BTW. I'm not the example to live by.
I will read your posts and if I have advice it's free, but I will ramble.