[That1chk78]

This is gonna be very long this is my first forum and I’m curious to others , and how many others like me there are?

First I have been diagnosed a huge list and have been to so many behavioral hospitals and long term care I’ve lost hope and feel helpless to how severe and embarrassing mental illness has destroyed my life and wonder if recovery is ever possible I’ve been battling another hospital stay this week to get checked in but few the state hospital might be my only resort now.

Since a very young age starting at 6 all the way to 26 have been nonstop sexual,physical,emotional abuse from just about every person in my life.
It’s been year after year of trauma, disaster, and to what I believe permanent damage.
I’ve had years of psychotherapy,psychiatrists,drug rehabs, medication and medication changes.
Suffered loss of baby ( death at birth ) , divorce, loss of family and any support system.
Tornado took my house in 2014 and since 2015-2017 recovering IV methuser followed by years of drug abuse that eventually destroyed what little life I tried to build, cost me my marriage, my job, my car, and now cannot work awaiting disability decision.

I’ve been clean now a year with 4 relapses small ones I suffer daily panic enduced stress and anixiety seizures multiple times a day.
I cannot drive , and haven’t been able to work due to these seizures and now have crippling depression that I no longer care about anything, am about to loose the only home I have left due to no finances , no family member can handle my ups and downs and I’m to the point I can no longer take care of myself and have developed severe isolation and fear of people. I’m losing my home because I’m to unstable to leave my home much less my room, I sleep days at a time, my mind never stops or slows down. I spend my time staring off in space trying to tune out static noise, loud rings , or flashbacks of my past. I have no support system at all I was a writer,musician, and loved art now I have absolutely no interest in anything.
This has been going on 4 months I’m taking medication but due to fear of leaving my home I quit going to therapy sessions and my medication have me all over the place with extremely bad mood swings and irritation I feel like a prisoner in my own head.

I realize this was extremely long but I just feel so alone and am terrified the state hospital may be my best option any advice would be amazing.
Im extremely embarrassed and feel there’s no light at the all end of the tunnel and if there ever will be