Anniversary

Wild Coyote · Feb 19, 2018, 09:47 AM

*** POSSIBLE TRIGGER***

This is the anniversary of my losing my father.

Possible trigger:

He took his own life

He had threatened, Nobody would listen.

I had tried desperately to save him.
I was 12 y.o.
I could not save him.

This was the entire theme of my then mid-winter school vacation.

I was extremely devastated then and for most of my life.

If you are thinking of suicide, please seek help.
You will devastate your loved ones.

If someone is threatening suicide, take them seriously, no matter how many times s/he has threatened.

I am less devastated with time. Yet, I was a very broken-hearted little girl and young woman. The devastation was with me for a lifetime.

He has been forgotten by family, in the sense that nobody wants to talk about him, even the good times. It's all very, very sad.

I still love him, miss him and want to remember the good times with him.
(They say I have his sense of humor. I hope so.)

Today is the anniversary. It's all so vivid in my mind... every detail.

Thanks for listening.

WC

SorryShaped · Feb 19, 2018, 09:51 AM

Thank you for keeping us aware of knowing to pay attention to SI.
I'm sorry it's such a hard day

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 19, 2018, 10:07 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was only ten, though not to something as terrible as suicide. I was messed up as a teenager and young adult as well. Took me until I was maybe 22ish to finally accept his death, and like I said it was nothing as terrible as suicide. I hope you are gentle with yourself today. We care about you around here, so if you need us for support don’t hesitate!

Nola0250 · Feb 19, 2018, 10:08 AM

So sorry for your loss. Your anniversary reminder is a wonderful way to honor him.

99fairies · Feb 19, 2018, 10:10 AM

WoW, WC... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for your loss, dose not really cut it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this very hard time.

Feb 19, 2018, 11:30 AM

Anniversaries are so hard. Big hugs to you my friend.

Guiness187055 · Feb 19, 2018, 11:39 AM

Anniversaries of traumatic events really stink. Sending you big hugs.

hopeless2015 · Feb 19, 2018, 11:48 AM

I'm so sorry WC!!! Hugs

tecomsin · Feb 19, 2018, 12:49 PM

Wow WC, I'm so sorry. You've found a way to honor your father's life and his death. I hope today is not too rough and you find some joy in it too. You do bring something like joy from your sharing and caring here to so many others.

xRavenx · Feb 19, 2018, 01:19 PM

((((WC)))). That is so sad and traumatic. Please take care of yourself on this very difficult day. Hugs.

Wild Coyote · Feb 19, 2018, 01:50 PM

Thanks for the hugs and the kind, loving responses. You each help me. I have felt very alone with this. My father has been "erased" from family history in the sense that he's never mentioned.

My father was a lot of fun, and loving. He was also very abusive. I believe he had an untreated mental illness. He had turned to alcohol. I'd loved him dearly, while also being afraid of him and his moods. It's all very complicated. I'd continued to hope he'd agree to get the help he'd needed.

My heart was broken.

I can look back on it and can recall some of the good times.

Thanks again for your many kindnesses.

WC

Feb 19, 2018, 02:09 PM

Is there a positive memory of your father you would like to share? No pressure. My parents have both passed and sometimes it's good to smile.

*Laurie* · Feb 19, 2018, 02:14 PM

Hey WC, I am so, so sorry. Anniversaries of the death of a loved one can be very painful. Please feel free to share anything you'd like to about your dad.

When, oh when, are human beings going to start paying attention, listening and hearing...

liveforsummer · Feb 19, 2018, 02:42 PM

Hugs WC, you’re in my thoughts

Unrigged64072835 · Feb 19, 2018, 02:51 PM

Lots of hugs and love during this time.

Anniversaries are hard, especially when relationships are complicated. I want to remember the good times, but the bad memories come up as well so it's difficult.

Wild Coyote · Feb 19, 2018, 03:13 PM

Thanks for inviting me to share. That's an important invite.

I'm cycling between good memories and very scary ones.
(I am not going to traumatize anyone here by sharing the frightening times, other than to share about this anniversary.)

The day I'd lost him was very overwhelming. I knew he was serious and had every intention of carrying out his threat. Nobody would listen -- to him, to me. I was frantic as the hours ticked by that day. I knew what was going to happen and could not do a damned thing about it.

The adults could have done something.

I was instructed, by the adults around me, to stop crying at my dad's funeral. When the funeral service was over, I was taken into a side room by 3 adults and was told there was no reason to be upset and to stop being upset before I could re-join the group. I was simply crying.

The truth is: They were not willing to listen to him when he was crying out for help again. They would not listen to me when I knew he was at his breaking point. They weren't willing to tolerate his young daughter's sadness about the tragedy/loss, either.

To this day, it's taboo to mention him. Even today.

The whole thing was "crazy-making!"

It's been many, many years and I am still very tearful.

Laurie is right. "Listen up!" We all know this, thankfully.

With Gratitude,

WC

~Christina · Feb 19, 2018, 03:14 PM

Oh WC Anniversary’s total suck. I’m still counting weeks.

Especially if you had such a good relationship yet he had his own demons to somehow manage which was horribly hard for you.

Family wanting to remove him ? Such a shame

I think you remembering and seeing both sides of him is a very healthy way for you to not only honor the good and the not so good but you were and are being able to talk about such a a bad place in your life.

Thank you for sharing a very hard day for you.

Many hugs to you my friend Im just a PM away if you need a shoulder or need to vent it all out as the feelings are from one emotion to the the other.

Wild Coyote · Feb 19, 2018, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh WC Anniversary’s total suck. I’m still counting weeks.

Especially if you had such a good relationship yet he had his own demons to somehow manage which was horribly hard for you.

Family wanting to remove him ? Such a shame

I think you remembering and seeing both sides of him is a very healthy way for you to not only honor the good and the not so good but you were and are being able to talk about such a a bad place in your life.

Thank you for sharing a very hard day for you.

Many hugs to you my friend Im just a PM away if you need a shoulder or need to vent it all out as the feelings are from one emotion to the other.

Thank you, Christina. I have been thinking of you today; you have gone through something similar and must deal with a devastating anniversary.

Thanks for the PM offer.

WC
(I do understand your circumstances were different.)

Sunflower123 · Feb 19, 2018, 05:07 PM

To say I'm sorry seems woefully inadequate in this situation. I am sorry though that you've been through this traumatic event and that you tried so hard to save him and nobody would listen and that you couldn't grieve him properly. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

Thinking of you today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Feb 19, 2018, 06:39 PM

I lost my father too. At age 4. But to a heart attack. My family still doesn't talk about it.

I'm so sorry wc. That must be very hard!

Wild Coyote · Feb 19, 2018, 08:36 PM

Thanks for being my friends today!

I'd tried to talk with my mom about my dad. She'd recalled the date and knew it is the anniversary date; yet, did not want to share about him. Denial has been her preferred method of coping.

So you all were very helpful to me today!
I am very thankful you were there for me today!
I hope I can do the same for each of you.

With Love and Gratitude,
WC