For the past few days, I’ve been outgoing. I have feelings like this every now and then, but it’s just something that eventually passes, and then I’m depressed. So yesterday, I saw an Apple commercial. A commercial for the iPad Pro. I’ve never really even thought about buying one before, and by the time that commercial was over, I wanted one. Yesterday, I also put a bunch of stuff that I own (stuff I don’t use anymore) on sales websites. Never, in a million years, would I do anything so big so fast. It’s funny, because normally, I wouldn’t even think that this would work. It wouldn’t even be a thought in my mind. My idea has worked out pretty well so far though. I’ve obtained $80 cash, and this is the next day.
These past few days(about a week), I’ve been really open with my friends. I’ve been talkative, outgoing, etc., but I’ve also been very emotionally open. At the same time, these past few days, I feel like I’ve been somewhere else, if you know what I mean. I don’t feel “here.” My anxiety has been a lot worse, and everything in general has just been like an emotional rollercoaster.
Whether I am out of my mind happy, or buried in my mind sad, I think about suicide everyday. I’ll look out the window of my car, I’ll see the sky, and just think about it. It makes me feel so at peace, and it gives me a small moment of hope, but then rationality takes over and I’m like, “I can never do that,” and I just resume my day.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. Everyday, everything gets worse. I’m almost failing my grade, because I’m not motivated. Some days, when I write papers, I’ll put a lot of effort into them, grammar, handwriting, articulacy, etc., and other days, I will put no effort at all into them. Sometimes, I just won’t do them. What is wrong with me? Am I okay?

[SorryShaped]

Maybe you're blossoming. Keep an eye on it though.

What do you mean?

[SorryShaped]

I think I might be a bit on the manic side today. I could also just be overstimulated because I think I love someone for real this time! I'm probably just heavily infatuated. You might just ignore me, but that's up to you.
To think about suicide isn't good. I lived with it every day most of my life. That must be changed. You're a good human in bad pain, and suicide will never be a good solution. Don't become an aging person in the same pain because I never dealt with it until now. Love yourself more. You need to.
But, to know that you can let things go to get things you want is really big for some people.
You need to follow your happiness. Look into where your real happiness is, and it's not in things. There's that one thing that you know should be done to make your world happier, and others too. It could be helping someone or being nice to the brat you're sometimes around. It's small, but will mean so much.

Thank you so much. Everything feels so weird, and it’s quite amazing that our brains can influence us so much.