On the anniversary

Aliceiw · Mar 21, 2018, 10:38 PM

Today is the 4 year anniversary of my last psychotic episode. I want to take some time to say how thankful I am for my general stability throughout these past years. I want to thank my mother for getting me treated and diagnosed very early. I want to thank my husband for keeping me on track when I didn't have perspective. I give thanks to myself for continuing to take my medication.

I'm proud that since then I have got a promotion at work, started up my own art class, went back to school (almost finished whoo!), we are moving to a nice little apartment, and I have grown so much as a person.

I would have never imagined how much my illness prevented my personal growth. I was so focused on pain or distractions that I never had room to make myself a better human being.

I only hope to continue and hold off my illness as long as I can. Minor dips are just fine but loss of control is what I never want back.

I want to spread some hope out there to people who think that it won't get better. It certainly can. Life is not perfect and ups and downs will happen, just work on that responsibility and really find the meds that do it all not just "enough". The difference is huge.

Things weren't always easy for me either. Before medication I was an absolute disaster even at such a young age (my illness hit age 13). I would sometimes get so depressed I couldn't walk and would just sob on the floor, my mother had to literally lift me up and take me to the car while I rocked back and forth screaming for the pain to stop. I had highs but back then they were more mild. Tons of energy, euphoria, magical thinking and bizarre behavior. My mother got me help when she found a suicide note and a couple different methods I was thinking about in my nightstand drawer. I've been on medication and had the diagnosis of bipolar since age 17, but they suspected before then. No antidepressants helped and some made me so much worse. My brother is schizoaffective bipolar type so it kind of seemed like a no-brainer with my symptoms. As I got older, even on medication I had breakthrough symptoms that really made my life terrible sometimes. I was always on the verge of being fired, I dropped out of a university with a half ride to get an associates degree, I was always a mess an absolute mess. My highs got higher over time and then they turned sour and I had a psychotic episode. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. I thought I had powers to see the dead and they haunted me. I had violent nightmares and I thought demons were trying to drag my body to another world in my sleep. I hallucinated people, shadow people, flashing light people, things changed colors, I thought I was seeing signs when I hallucinated birds or smoke or diagonal doors floating. Reality would crackle like an old movie. It was so...I can't even describe it well enough. Ever since I've had an antipsychotic my life has been so much better. I've been more stable than I've ever been. Even when I get a little sick, it's nothing like before. It's not even like before I had the psychotic episode it's better. Most of the time I feel like a normal person.... I NEVER thought I would say that. NEVER.

So don't lose hope when you are drowning, baby steps, work on you, and don't accept "it's enough" medication. You got this!

~~~Love

SorryShaped · Mar 22, 2018, 06:07 AM

This is good. Shouldn't it be under the "success stories?"

Mar 22, 2018, 06:23 AM

Congrats on staying stable! I have never reached true stability, as my stability only lasts for like 1-2 months at a time, if that. Though i hope one day to achieve what you have achieved: stability and happiness.

I think all the support you had throughout your life has made a HUGE difference for you. I think a lot of people don't realize what support can really do for you.

I wish I had support from my relatives and I wish I had many friends who could help, but I do have online friends and they're AWESOME. I don't know where I'd be without them -- likely dead or homeless, unfortunately.