[boogiesmash]

My best days were coming. My dream job was offered to me and I was a shoo-in. I went to school with one who was a mid level manag r and had the sa,e exact beat friend. He told I’m in and would work, interview, background, ale me to the physical screening and that the chief wanted to have dinner with just us three.

Everthimh well wonderful. I learned a lot od the job and met other officers and all joke with me. Thy were going to send me into the counties academy and in four months I would be living my dream. I was on a such a high. Met my close friend told him the news and out we were. We go to Atlantic City and stay s at Caesar’s. That was a great time. And we made money even after being introduced to cafe patron. Life was good. I MADE IT...........



I killed my self.

At work a dispute occurred between (so called friend) and supervisor (so called supervisor). What was common known hat the issue stemmed from a new order f ok te higherup to leave the lights on at work. (Something not out this world). Well whatever happen I was still on my hihg. My friend ((who we just stopped talking, because she pro,ised her boyfriend and their friends were coming out to this restaurant and canceled). Out of the six tables they saved for it only two were occupied and had to pay for them. All though I warned them for weeks. Got over it had a good time with peeps there. But more expensive than it shouldmbe and I did t haveproblem coughing upmfunds. Not too soon this same girl yelled at me because I called out she. She was trying to go home early and could not. I did t say anything st first but she kept saying it and had two other guys chiming in. I finally screamed sorry that my mom feel and might of had a concussion. The boys quickly apologized to me. My friend nothing. We continued the year with stupid high school tracks agenda. She would not accept my help when I had the answers and sarcastically thank me and made sure the name of person she asked for the work (this is delaying tre requesting persons)
So for the next few months they kept us away although she made vulgar comments on my work performance since my mother suffered a stroke. My supveriors gave her a look of disgust and she aborted that route. During thanksgiving I was going to bring a big bag for everyone from work, well as you can probably Guess madam blonde had a comment, that all the bagels would have spit on them. I didn’t go out for her, I went to get bag lbs for all my doo Co workers.

Christmas time came and they split it us up. You would think this would elevate the problem. I didn’t. It created toms more. They split us up and she was away from my her for a while. Sorry for not including their are a lot of personalities and most of ime doest mesh with this or her but her sorta thigh. My squad initially sucked. I tried to work with everyone to minimize cliqs and if an issue arrise speak about it with the person. Took a bit but our squad started to do well. Didn’t have do deal with whispers and talking snit about a person who we have to work with. After employing that several times and also getting feedback from my closet friend and his idea, we all shared ideas. We made some plans sometimes after work to go out as a squad o just the guys aiince it was football playoffs. Work was getting well again. I felt like I can start rebuilding. I had a party wh n manny maciao and Connor McGregor fought. All though nothing as my party dinners, this made me ecstatic. I love hosting people and everyone having a good time. (I miss dinner parties). Here’s the weird part my anxiety\depression was unleashes Into terms I can understand. For a while any time I saw a woman I’d start to tear up thinking I have no chance. Next time we were out was a bunch of mixed friends and did not trio of any of the. As potential targets. How ever tears and fighting them off became a instant result. I was having my First panic attack and nothing to combat it. I got home and too an ambien and it knocked me out. I had no idea what any of this was about.

Week or to I was at a restaurant and this couple starts too hook up. I lost it
My Kung fu class looking at everyone smiling it also made me cry and depress d. The same at the gym, at this point I was going sporidqclly.
Well my birthday was approaching and I had no plans. My friend had moved to Florida my roommate went to her s girlfriend house where they were doing a party (I Wasn’t invited although I never met her) well
I was home and home alone. A lot of feelings came at me. None of them were well. I saw all my failures of birthdays, how everyone out to night is gonna have such a fun time. It’s New Years. I’m in my couch crying filled with pain, disappointment, lonliness, feeling like a failure and taking important space and air for being such apathetic worseless person. Open the bottles of ambien ams sapoxen ams was numb.
It was in front of a glass of scotch. Dewars so it would t be too expensive. I just kept alternating and nothing on my plate, not what’s gonna happen tomorrow, not what’s gonna happen later not what’s gonna happen in three days. This went on for three hours (sorry meant to say I was all alone). I was feeling pretty ****ed up. And just wanted to drop. My niece calls. She tells me she misses me can’t wait to see me and thank you for my gifts she loves him. I was crying each shot I did, but I was broken a part after the phone call. I closed the bottles went to the bathroom and Troyes to throw up. I did. I doubt any of that did anything.


How I died. This cycle from my md team has been coming up free t,h
For a while I was ok. I moved into my first own apartment, got my own furniture, bed and bedroom, and tv. No uninterested person about your day eating up hummus on my couch. I stated to a good cleaning schedule one week Monday and Friday and the next week Thursday. During those days laundry be done dishes be checked for any additional dirty stray and so on. I had a healthy gym schedule and mma schedule. I felt as life as going welll. So maybe a year or two the McGregor paquiao fight happens and I have a bunch op people,over and I feel it it a success.

After that I never cleaned up and it State Ted making the apartment worse. I did not want to do anything and was getting greatly depressed. I would spend weekend that I didn’t have to work looked up in bed. That was dormthat majority of the year. It got worse. I would do laundry and never clean up. And food sometimes passes just cause I did t was to get a plate. We had a few snow storms and the last 9me that dropped was three days till I had to get to work. I spent all that time sleeping in in my room. If all I did was sleep I wouldn’t of gotten worse. I had memories of how it went wrong. How I went wrong. Why can’t I find another job. My one day in my bedroom became all weekend. Eventually that became my summer vacation and was on the depth of jumping 8nto inpatient.



Depression- loss of interest and motivation-loss of exercise abs growing fat - males will experience loss of man parts able to do this job. - depression (also memory problems)

The part od where I stopped going to the gym for over a year wa basically my death. It has dreaded anxiet (not sole,y based on that wituatui9n) this dreaded anxietdy I carry around when I am out and I cry or at least I use to cry. First it was with Shelias I thought should not even waved my way. Then it got worse and anytime I’ve seen a happy outlet oh hell even child depresses me significantly. Unfortunately it is an excuse oh why I s t go out. Some friends that I haven’t seen in months, well,yeara I can bare to see them. I know they feel hurt and I’ m not at the place to describe all that. Think only fire going I can it to that is to my boy overseas when I get there. I’m not hoping to be ther person I was because I am that person mow, hopefully a rose u known to what I will be.

2012xxx, 2013xxxx. 2014,2015 2016xx2017 xxxx 2018 we will see few crap have already happened. Most ot these years where ******. 2013-2014 Tied to od on sleeping pills and iburproren. And scotch. Longest, hadesrt, 2hours. So much negative emotions overwhelmed me and my logical conclusion to stop ,oe hurt had to end my self. This led to some massive sratergies. How ever I never done anything for my best friends on not meeting with them talking celebrating out birthday as as well. It just wast mine. I was broken wvwn more

2018. I am trying to get all my medical issues cleared. Hell im trying to ride a bike with in a couple weeks and start running and resume my classes and gym. My health has been my mayskate. My mentality is not to prove them wrongno. It’s going to prove me right

Saw a picture had phrases. Starting a family after 35it totally alright and buying a home at fourth is boss. Don’t go along others timetable.

It’s been a long road, a very long road. I know t reploworks tomorrow but I’m hoping for a badass summer and year. I’m in desperate need.

I’m hoping for a better year. I AM WORTH IT

[Cornucopia]

A song entered my spotify radio.
It made me smile, even though I don’t consider us mad even though we have a mental illness. But yeah.
I am okay now, and I mean it.

Hope you get a wonderful year


"Secret For The Mad", Dodie

I've got a secret for the mad
In a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad
And I get that I don't get it
But you will burn right now but then you won't regret it

You're not gonna believe a word I say
What's the point in just drowning another day
And I get that I don't get it
But the world will show you that you won't regret it

Little things, all the stereotypes
They're gonna help you get through this one night
And there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it

I promise you it'll all make sense again
I promise you it'll all make sense again

There's nothing to do right now but try
There are a hundred people who will listen to you cry
And I get that they don't get it
But they love you so much that you won't regret it

You're at the bottom, this is it
Just get through, you will be fixed
And you think, that I don't get it
But I burned my way through and I don't regret it

Little things, all the stereotypes
They're gonna help you get through this one night
And there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it

I promise you it'll all make sense again
I promise you it'll all make sense again
I promise you it'll all make sense again
I promise you it'll all make sense again

[Wander]

Hang in there. This may just be a phase and you can break out of it and be killing it. Be kind to yourself. Depression Will lie and steal from you. Take it step by step. Maybe go for a walk around the block for a start. I hope I’m not misunderstanding you. I’m just trying to encourage you. You are valuable just by being you.

[boogiesmash]

Not sure how needed everytimt in that. Just wanted to add my low t into that paragraphs

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Wander

Hang in there. This may just be a phase and you can break out of it and be killing it. Be kind to yourself. Depression Will lie and steal from you. Take it step by step. Maybe go for a walk around the block for a start. I hope I’m not misunderstanding you. I’m just trying to encourage you. You are valuable just by being you.

Lol this has been last 7 years

[boogiesmash]

And after all that my testosterone is at a whooping 130.

[pirilin]

Tell us how you really feel boogie. I'm joking out of a bad deal. I'll read more in depth later. And give you my real opinion. Hang ten.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yes you deserve a better year Boogie. Self-care means getting and keeping healthy as well.

[boogiesmash]

After 2013-14 I was a mess. A zombie. I started to not give. F UCD how I looked. It took 7 months to find help. She gave me some strategy and weekly meeting my doctor went with her recommentati’ns till I was able to see a psychiatrist. A year or so I started feeling better and had people over my place. It was fun and kinda felt old me. But this would be the last time. I let my apartment go to ****. Stopped taking care of myself and stopped going to the gym. My envy, jealousy, depression at looking at women in bars increased to couples and also looking at how well dressed people were and how I was the complete opposite of it.
I became a hermit and started a bad coping skills of just sleeping. When I didn’t have work I’d be home sleeping. Not four hours 8 hours but days slept. I was off for three consecutive days and slept them all. My psychiatrist and therapist started to issue concerns and recommended in partial hospitalization. I ignored it but didn’t have much of a life. I Pretty much dead at this point. I certainly wasn’t living. A point came that at work we had a xmas party and I was anxious to go. I got there and everyone was having a good time. I was having a panic attack and was hurting now everyone was happy. I’d be going home crying not having that significant other or friends to hang out at home. I escaped.
My birthday this year I spent crying on my bed, better than the other year.
Work began and now was reintroduced to the person who used me past. Things were civil and was more worried with some of my mom’s health issues. Which eventually waned down. Besides these trips I fell back to the trap of sleeping. Work was becoming difficult. Everyone was bringing in potlucks but not telling me. On the day if I was filled with anger and rage. No 9ne even offered me a plate. This happened a few more time. Finally one person told me the night before we are doing something. I told her I’m working tonight and won’t have time to make anything. Probably my old friend but I feel a few more had jumped at me or at least that’s the ay I feel. My sleep resp9nse c tiniest being the same. I finally had vacation and I slept 11 days straight. Up to only go to bathroom and eat if I had food. I made a phone session with my therapist and she ordered me to go inpatient. (I wasn’t showing signs of suicide, not that I thnk). Well my vacation ended and it ended with me beginning to take sick days for an outpatient program. The program lasted longer than usual but it did make me learn a bunch of good coping skills and kinda have a basis on. Starting a new life. I still have my going out phobia which I need to destroy.
This year. I started on a higher horse. I went to tackle my health issues which seemed to multiply. Had my recurring shoulder, foot/ankle diabetes (wtd never had that), enormous weight gain. For about the past three years I gained weight to my highest 330. Lower back pain, sleep apnea. Nice list. Sometimes I’m ok and neutral knowing these problems will be cured. However just found out my latest problem. Low t. I met a girl and we fooled round Nd my **** wasn’t working. I grew anxious of it and still no change. Spoke with this girl tried to get into bed but still not working. So I broke down. And another fn challenge to over come. So been having testosterone test done and they keep. Coming in low. And lower. My latest draw was 130. It it about 140 points from 3 draws ago that identified it low. Is my **** gonna work again? Why is it non stop. I’ve been in bed the past two days.

My original plan was simple and I was on it. Go to college, meet some people, enjoy life learn new things maybe go to grad school think about where to apply and get in meet the woman be married have kids be a detective by now.
Apparently I was naive in that thinking.

[Rosalba]

You passed some critical moments. I think you need some good stuff to pass your rest of the life; you deserve it. Stay good and wish you a healthy life. Thanks.