[Movingon69]

Hi,

I am 48 years old and was diagnosed about a month ago. I am now on medicine. Put 25 mg of Lamotrigine for two weeks and have been on 50 mg for six days.

I think I hit a mania phase in August and it lasted a while. In January my husband of 30 years told me he felt the "signs" that I was spiraling out of control again. This time I actually cheated on him and he found out. I (if you can believe it) was outraged, starting throwing stuff at him and screaming. He called the police and that recommended he leave. He went to one of our daughter's house (which is a whole other story that is partly related to my bp but partly not). He had her husband drive back the next day and get some of his things and he left again. He told the kids all about my indiscretion and told them he felt there had been multiple affairs over the years (there wasn't) They were obviously very upset with me. They have always been in his camp and this didn't help. But he eventually came back and we were in marriage counseling, making progress.

Flashback: He filed for divorced about 2-3 years into our marriage. We were both seeing someone (which he didn't offer up to the girls only told them that I had a boyfriend during that time) and then got back together. I immediately found out I was pregnant. Based on the due date given from the ultrasound because I couldn't remember my last cycle my husband was the father, although he obviously questioned it. But he stayed and didn't do a paternity test. She has a cousin that is six months older than her and they looked like twins. To me that was further evidence. I honestly believed she was his. When he told the girls about my "multiple affairs" the girls got together and did a 23 and Me test that said they were 1/2 sisters. My daughter told my husband. That threw all the progress from counseling out the window. At our next appointment with the counselor he told her he was tired of the up and down cycles of living with me. That phrase clued her in on possible bi-polar. My next independent session I was in full blown mania and she set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist and made me go into my family physician to get some valium until I could get into the psychiatrist office.

He has decided he wants a divorce, the kids won't talk to me, they've blocked me on FB so I can't event see pictures of my grandchildren. I have lost my job (whole other story). Sunday I decided that was the day I was going to kill myself. I have had a recurring dream since I was a child about being in a car that went into a body of water and downed. I decided God was telling me that was the way I could stop hurting people and he'd been showing me all these years what method to use. I got in my car and had four places picked out I could drive off into water. I got pulled over before I could reach my destination and was arrested for the first time ever. I was put on suicide watch. My husband went to the jail Monday and took my medicine and insisted on talking to the mental health professional on site. He gave her the medicine and her to let me know he had come by but they wouldn't let him see me. They never administered my medicine. I was arraigned on Tuesday but they wouldn't let me call him to let him know bond had been set but luckily he and my best friend were keeping a watch. The mental health people interviewed me and I was released to his care. I go in a couple of hours to see my attorney for the first time.

What really sucks right now is I've messed a marriage to a man who obviously loves me but he now throws all of our marital issues on the bp and says he can't keep going through the cycles. He says "if I had a crystal ball and could see you are going to do everything you need to do to manage this it would be different." He is a good man and I have hurt him deeply. I hate myself for that.

What also sucks is I have three job offers contingent on background checks. So, while I'm excited to have some opportunities to choose from I don't know if I have now screwed that up.

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. I am lucky that my husband has said he won't file for divorce until I'm stable and have a job. That's better than what some men would do.

Look forward to getting to know some of you better and sorry for the long post.

Movingon69, I'm so sorry it took so long for you to be properly diagnosed. I was 32 when I was properly diagnosed and wish it had been earlier. All I can say is that I hope you focus hard on your recovery now. If at all possible, try to put some of the past and recent stressors aside to do that. Though I hope your job offers are not affected, if any are, please just know that you will have opportunities when you are well. You are currently on a very small dose of moodstabilizer, don't be discouraged if it isn't working yet sufficiently.

Healing takes patience and tolerance. It can be a real drag getting through the process, but it does get better. Relationships often end because of bipolar disorder, but some recover as trust and understanding redevelope. Efforts to seek and maintain wellness can achieve this.

[Victoria'smom]

I would suggest if you can getting into day treatment either intensive out patient or partial hospitalization program until you are stable and have found the right medication because you have so much changing right now. It sounds really isolating. Ask your husband to go back to couples therapy not to fix things but to help both of you to deal with splitting up. You need an individual therapist. Are all your kids grown?

I think it's really important for him to know this was the only affair you have had.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I would suggest if you can getting into day treatment either intensive out patient or partial hospitalization program until you are stable and have found the right medication because you have so much changing right now. It sounds really isolating. Ask your husband to go back to couples therapy not to fix things but to help both of you to deal with splitting up. You need an individual therapist. Are all your kids grown?

I think it's really important for him to know this was the only affair you have had.

Yes, the kids are grown and on their own. I will take your advise and see if he will approach it that way. I am fortunate to have really great group of friends, two of whom I can tell absolutely everything to without fear of judgment of losing their love. The others I can share 50-75% depending on who. So, that helps. I do have an individual therapist who is giving me very good strategies to deal with things on a day to day basis.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Movingon69, I'm so sorry it took so long for you to be properly diagnosed. I was 32 when I was properly diagnosed and wish it had been earlier. All I can say is that I hope you focus hard on your recovery now. If at all possible, try to put some of the past and recent stressors aside to do that. Though I hope your job offers are not affected, if any are, please just know that you will have opportunities when you are well. You are currently on a very small dose of moodstabilizer, don't be discouraged if it isn't working yet sufficiently.

Healing takes patience and tolerance. It can be a real drag getting through the process, but it does get better. Relationships often end because of bipolar disorder, but some recover as trust and understanding redevelope. Efforts to seek and maintain wellness can achieve this.

Thank you. I sure wish to high heaven I had been diagnosed earlier too. When my counselor asked what I hoped to accomplish I was bawling and said, "I just want to stop hurting people I love."

[pirilin]

Welcome to PC, we are family here. In fact this place saved my life.

With that said, let me tell you that the police arrests anybody for any reason. Me included.
An arrest is a common thing nowadays. I was terrified when it happened to me.
I don't mind jail, however, I thought I was going to lose my conceal weapon license.

I was postpoing and postponing the renewal, and worried for months.
Until one day that I put my boxers on. Went to the Agriculture office in person.
What can they do, kill me?.
Drove ninety miles one way to get it. Listening to very soft Jazz. And taking my mind away from it.

I had my license back in my hand in fifteen minutes or less.
I can carry a conceal weapon legally in 39 States again.

All this Jazz is to tell you that an arrest is not a conviction.
Go for the job you like sans souci. And don't be a stranger.
Post long and frecuently. We hear you. Good luck.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by pirilin

Welcome to PC, we are family here. In fact this place saved my life.

With that said, let me tell you that the police arrests anybody for any reason. Me included.
An arrest is a common thing nowadays. I was terrified when it happened to me.
I don't mind jail, however, I thought I was going to lose my conceal weapon license.

I was postpoing and postponing the renewal, and worried for months.
Until one day that I put my boxers on. Went to the Agriculture office in person.
What can they do, kill me?.
Drove ninety miles one way to get it. Listening to very soft Jazz. And taking my mind away from it.

I had my license back in my hand in fifteen minutes or less.
I can carry a conceal weapon legally in 39 States again.

All this Jazz is to tell you that an arrest is not a conviction.
Go for the job you like sans souci. And don't be a stranger.
Post long and frecuently. We hear you. Good luck.

Thank you! My attorney basically told me the same thing. I feel a bit better now.

[tecomsin]

I'm so glad you have reached out for help here Movingon69. It sounds like the kind of chaos and disruption that is unfortunately relatively common in the lives of people with untreated bipolar disorder. The key is to find the right treatment. I am a little surprised that the only medication you are on is lamictal after a suicide attempt.

How often are you seeing your psychiatrist? I'd also second the idea of seeking out a therapist to help you manage the stressful situation you are going through. Also to my eyes it doesn't look like your husband is 100% set on the idea of divorce. I would try to focus on repairing the relationship with your daughters so you can have contact with your grandkids too. Isolation is a real concern and something to try to avoid.

[Unrigged64072835]

I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until I was 48. Before that I had a nervous breakdown, had high anxiety and panic attacks. My husband went through a lot during our 7 years of marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband wants a divorce. It's definitely important to now focus on your recovery.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

PsychEducation | Treating the Mood Spectrum is a really good place to learn about bipolar when it is new (or when you're not). It's written by a psychiatrist who specializes in bipolar and has tons of information about everything to do with the disorder.

Welcome movingon69...sounds right for a bipolar life...sorry. It all sounds just about the same here, lost relationship and a crazy life.

I see your doctor is slowly increasing your Lamictal at first....these are baby doses and hopefully after awhile they will increase to your therapeutic dose...the level that is right for you which isn’t the same for everyone. It sometimes seems a dosage would be it, then the bottom would fall out...then a higher dose will be needed. When I got to 350...I can tell it’s on solid footing...I’m like an ultra rapid cycler (weekly)...and I now feel chill...

Hang in there and give a try for a while...don’t rush things...try to stay unemotionally attached till you get your senses about you. Good luck.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I'm so glad you have reached out for help here Movingon69. It sounds like the kind of chaos and disruption that is unfortunately relatively common in the lives of people with untreated bipolar disorder. The key is to find the right treatment. I am a little surprised that the only medication you are on is lamictal after a suicide attempt.

How often are you seeing your psychiatrist? I'd also second the idea of seeking out a therapist to help you manage the stressful situation you are going through. Also to my eyes it doesn't look like your husband is 100% set on the idea of divorce. I would try to focus on repairing the relationship with your daughters so you can have contact with your grandkids too. Isolation is a real concern and something to try to avoid.

I see my psychiatrist next week. She's been hesitant to add an anti-depressant at this point to avoid throwing me into mania. She wanted to wait until I got on the right dose of lamictal, which she is slowly upping. When I see her this week and she hears about the suicide attempt she may feel differently. I did call my therapist the minute I got home (my husband called her while I was in jail) and she immediately got me in.

I'm not sure about my husband's mindset either. I had a rough night last night. This morning he rubbed my head and gave my a massage until I fell asleep. At least if he is going to leave me he doesn't hate me. I don't feel like I can even approach the kids yet because I'm so emotional. I'm not sure I can handle all enumerations of what I've done wrong over the years yet. But they haven't even checked on me since I got home. It makes me very sad.

[liveforsummer]

Welcome!

My pdoc started me at 25mg lamotrigine twice daily last October. By January
I was at 100mg twice daily and it still took another 3 months at that dose to really notice improved stability. She wouldnt add an antidepressant (afraid of inducing mania) but may consider it at some point.

You certainly have had a very rough time. I hope you will find encouragement and support in this forum as I have.