[Tucson]

I have been on disability for about 15 years. It took years to stabilize me. I was stable for maybe three years. I started looking for a job. This triggered more instability. Then more years went by. I have been “coasting” through my life for quite a while now. I just go from day to day basically accomplishing nothing, meanwhile feeling inadequate.

My ex wife came over today and found my place very dirty. She gave me instructions to keep the place clean, and next time she is here, she wants to find the place clean. This reminded me of my mother a great many years ago. Then it just hit me. What have I become? What kind of irresponsible person have I become? I used to be this very responsible and capable person to her. What must she think of me now?

At one time in the past, I held down very responsible job positions. One company hired me and depended on me to get them back up on their large computer systems so they can begin once again to take orders during the middle of their christmas season. No one knew what was wrong, even their own computer staff. I solved their problem. I had proven that they could rely on me. Most importantly, I was able to rely on myself. This had been not the case for a great many years now.

I am suppose to be looking for a part time job. I am going to voc rehab for help. I found myself expecting them to do the work for me and find me a job. They wanted me to put out the effort, which I have not been doing. Why am I doing this? Sometimes my daughter even to this day laughes at me when I come across as being not all there. This hurts me very much.

So I have come to the conclusion that I have to move on with my life. If I need a part time job, I need to simply get one. If I want to get off of disability, then I will do this, in an intelligent way of course. My life has been wasting away. I see this in the way everybody talks to me and treats me as though I am not capable. I know I must be capable once again.

For a long time, I have been wanting to get back together with my ex wife. I have been hanging on this possibility. Maybe I thought if this did happen, life would be good once again. However, it has been becoming apparent to me that this is unlikely to happen. It has been taking me many years to understand this. I need to get on with my life. If we get together sometime in the future, great. If we do not, so be it. My focus now needs to be on taking respinsability for my life. This is what needs to be most important to me now.

Why am I this way? Just being lazy?

[Cocosurviving]

Hello there,

What I do is give myself and my daughter a few task a day. (There is a thread related to this in the depression section.)That way things don’t get piled up. I hate my mother’s way of doing things. She would wake us up early on Saturday and make us clean. It takes longer when you do it all on one day. I hope everything works out for you finding a job.