[MatBell]

I have these constant thoughts that I'm a complete failure. That I've never made a single right decision in my life. That I'm just wasting away and I'm never getting better. I'm 31 but feel like I have the security of an 18-year old.
No matter where I turn I'm reminded of my own inadequacies, why everyone is better off than me. I'm so sick of myself, I want to crawl out of my own skin. Do you know the feeling?

I was put on 300 mg Venlafaxin about 4-5 weeks ago. On one hand I can feel them kicking in these last few days - a certain lightness, less anxiety - but on the other hand I'm still feeling awful. They can't fix the state of my life or the loneliness that's always been there.

I just don't know what to do. I feel I'm in a cul-de-sac. I'm so suicidal.

[bpktvikesfan]

call your pdoc and let him know how your feeling, it will get better, if you cant get your pdoc on the phone then go to an ER, keep holding strong and "this too shall pass"

[raspberrytorte]

I'd wait to go to the hospital until you see your therapist if you have one. I hope things get better for you. Big hugs.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I'd wait to go to the hospital until you see your therapist if you have one. I hope things get better for you. Big hugs.

She’s back monday after a 3 week vacation. I’m just really tired of living.

[boogiesmash]

Mat, I have had the same issue. I want to tell you it’ll be alright, fight the negative thoughts, you are a success and you will find your way. Truth of the matter it took me a long long, time to start that thinking. I thought all the skills they were telling me was bull and never really started them. It took me 6 years of depression 4 years of therapy, a visit to outpatient and several other factors. I’m realizing I am not a failure and that I can turn my life into something meaningful. There is hope and I hope it turns around for you.

(((((((((MatBell))))))))) I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. Along with the venlafaxin/effexor, are you on any mood stabilizer? If not, that might be contributing to how you are feeling. I'm glad your T is back Monday. Do they communicate with your prescriber? If so it would be a good idea to alert them to your med situation (as well as state of mind). If they don't communicate, be sure to call your prescriber directly and let them know what's going on, ok? (Or maybe you could avoid waiting and do today(?) Not sure what time it is in your timezone.)

[MatBell]

I'm only on Effexor. Yes they communicate. I just received a text from the doctor about a blood test to see if the drug level was high enough. It seemed fine. I told him that I didn't think they worked. He hasn't written back. So have to wait til next week.

[~Christina]

Im sorry your feeling so poorly.. I can relate as everyone around here can.. What really worries me is that your suicidal.. Please go to the er if your feeling unsafe.. Hopefully your T will help you Monday..

Your not a failure your just unwell right now and probably as mention need a mood stabilizer .. Effexor is really not enough for Bipolars to find helpful...

Stay safe

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Im sorry your feeling so poorly.. I can relate as everyone around here can.. What really worries me is that your suicidal.. Please go to the er if your feeling unsafe.. Hopefully your T will help you Monday..


Your not a failure your just unwell right now and probably as mention need a mood stabilizer .. Effexor is really not enough for Bipolars to find helpful...


Stay safe

Thank you Christina. I’m so tired of the battle. The world is so ugly everywhere I turn. And I can only see problems and more struggle in my future.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by MatBell

Thank you Christina. I’m so tired of the battle. The world is so ugly everywhere I turn. And I can only see problems and more struggle in my future.

Sometimes its time to float ... Stop battling to swim upstream and just say F it and float and try not to beat yourself up for being where you are " mentally" right now..

Try it ... Might help

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Sometimes its time to float ... Stop battling to swim upstream and just say F it and float and try not to beat yourself up for being where you are " mentally" right now..


Try it ... Might help

Wish I could. Just not think.
This night is so hard to get through.
I’ve been dealing with this for so long. How is it expected that I just carry on through more pain. Is it really worth it....?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by MatBell

Wish I could. Just not think.
This night is so hard to get through.
I’ve been dealing with this for so long. How is it expected that I just carry on through more pain. Is it really worth it....?

Yes it’s worth it.

Bipolar lies to us ... makes us think the hell will never stop but it will.

Bipolar cycles that the only this that’s consistent , the bytch cycles. You could get spit out the other side tomorrow or a week from now.

Please stay safe and keep posting

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Yes it’s worth it.

Bipolar lies to us ... makes us think the hell will never stop but it will.

Bipolar cycles that the only this that’s consistent , the bytch cycles. You could get spit out the other side tomorrow or a week from now.

Please stay safe and keep posting

My neighbor is partying with loud music. Just makes me feel even more like an alien being so miserable. Feel so alone.

The lies feel so true now. I can only see all negative things about me. I just took a sedative (that I rarely do) so I can sleep. Hopefully I’ll sleep soon. Tonight has just been too much. Thanks so much for being with me Christina. I really appreciate it!

[Row Jimmy]

We all make good decisions and bad decisions. Unfortunately, we focus on the bad decisions because that's what weighs on us the most. I could have gone to the Naval Academy, I could have been a doctor, I should have stayed in the software business, I should have invested more money. But I decided that partying would be my goal. Of course, I regret it now and got nothing out of it, but I'm learning not to dwell on those days because I can't change anything. It is what it is. I'm Row Jimmy, no more no less. Just me. All that matters is what we do today to bring us to tomorrow.......and then we go from there. We live in a society that pounds constant success and winning into our skulls but the fact remains is that life is full of failure. I've punched holes in walls, threw my trashcans on my roof, threatened my neighbors, hucked a lawn chair at my mother - all of which I regret but I can't change. I can only work at being better tomorrow. The key is committing yourself to it. Don't get down. Good luck.

[Asteya]

I'm 32 and I've been feeling like this often. My solution has been to take some sleeping pills at a decent time when I've had a horrid day and wake up early and start a new fresh day. Try and be productive, clean something, run errands, play with my cat, but who am I kidding?? I tend to lay in my bed for a few hours first. I know this will pass, just like everything else that was traumatic happening in life. I just think about my mom and her passing and how things have changed, I've coped, I can finally feel true happiness again that I thought was never going to happen at the time she died. it just sucks getting through it... and I don't know your past, but just know there's no constant in life and be patient. You will eventually feel happiness again.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Asteya

I'm 32 and I've been feeling like this often. My solution has been to take some sleeping pills at a decent time when I've had a horrid day and wake up early and start a new fresh day. Try and be productive, clean something, run errands, play with my cat, but who am I kidding?? I tend to lay in my bed for a few hours first. I know this will pass, just like everything else that was traumatic happening in life. I just think about my mom and her passing and how things have changed, I've coped, I can finally feel true happiness again that I thought was never going to happen at the time she died. it just sucks getting through it... and I don't know your past, but just know there's no constant in life and be patient. You will eventually feel happiness again.

Yes I took a sleeping pill too yesterday. Today hasn’t been much better. It really worries me. I’m seeing my therapist next week. It’s hard not being able to text them during their vacation. I don’t have a lot of people around, so I’m struggling a lot on my own. It’s when the suicidal thoughts look like the only solution that I get worried.
I’m sorry about your mom and glad that you’re finding happiness again.

[Blueberrybook]

You are not a failure. For one thing, you are fighting BP and are still here, and that has to count for something.

I often feel like a failure. No job, no job history even, a bad wife & mother. I'm horrible at housekeeping, hate cooking and daily chores. I can't get involved in my daughter's playing, and now she is into computer games and even computer coding that my husband introduced to her and I understand zilch. So I relate to her less. And there are days when I can't get out of bed or overexercise, what kind of body image does that setup for a pre-teen young girl?

You are hanging in there. I personally think mental illness is one of the hardest battles in life to fight, especially things like BP, when you know the odds are that you will be battling this disease for the rest of your life.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by cln1812

You are not a failure. For one thing, you are fighting BP and are still here, and that has to count for something.


I often feel like a failure. No job, no job history even, a bad wife & mother. I'm horrible at housekeeping, hate cooking and daily chores. I can't get involved in my daughter's playing, and now she is into computer games and even computer coding that my husband introduced to her and I understand zilch. So I relate to her less. And there are days when I can't get out of bed or overexercise, what kind of body image does that setup for a pre-teen young girl?


You are hanging in there. I personally think mental illness is one of the hardest battles in life to fight, especially things like BP, when you know the odds are that you will be battling this disease for the rest of your life.

Thank you. It must be nice with a family. I hope to get a family one day, but it doesn’t seem likely. I think I have too many issues for anyone to be interested.

Yes I’m hanging in there. I’m so grateful for my therapist and doctor. They have been there and done so much for me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. They keep saying that I will find happiness and a good life. I think they just say it to make me feel better and feel like they have to say it. I really can’t see it myself.

[MatBell]

It’s been a pretty horrible weekend for me. I hope next week gets better and more hopeful.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by MatBell

It’s been a pretty horrible weekend for me. I hope next week gets better and more hopeful.

Hang in there ! When was the last time you did something nice for yourself ?? See a movie, eat your favorite food, cupcakes ( got one a few weeks a go ) if you like to read get your self a new book ... basically do something how ever small !

Keep posting

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hang in there ! When was the last time you did something nice for yourself ?? See a movie, eat your favorite food, cupcakes ( got one a few weeks a go ) if you like to read get your self a new book ... basically do something how ever small !

Keep posting

I don’t really feel like doing anything. I don’t know. I can’t think of anything. I don’t get enjoyment out of things at the moment.

Didn’t hear from my therapist today. I don’t have a new appointment. She came back from vacation today. A bit disappointed. She probably was busy with many other things after coming back.

Still sliding downwards. The meds don’t do anything. Just feeling suicidal..

[~Christina]

I’m so sorry you are struggling so damn hard. Not fair not fair

Do you think it’s time to go IP ?

Do you have a plan with intent ? If so please go to the er and let them help you.

I hate to see you harm yourself , you are a wonderful person and need to stay safe.

I’m always around unless I’m sleeping feel free to PM me

[Sunflower123]

Were you able to get some help today? Sending big hugs and thinking of you.

[Daonnachd]

Hey, Mat, I understand that you don't want to do anything for yourself. We all get that way, and understand how you're feeling. Please indulge me in this little distraction. I've wanted to visit Denmark for a very long time. So if you were going to be my tour guide, what would you want to make sure I got to see, do, or otherwise experience?

[~Christina]

How are you today ?