[*Laurie*]

I guess I need to halve the Paxil. I've been prescribed Paxil; first, it was 10mg. Then 20mg. I've been taking the 20 for 6 nights (or 6 for 20 nights? Nooo...that would be plain silly). I'm looking at the days, one after another after another, then a few more, and nothing is getting accomplished! I mean, I'm taking care of my cats, doing laundry, the basic chores. Also some painting. Quite a bit of painting. Listening to music constantly. If the music goes off I will drop dead, right on the floor, due to suffocation. What will happen to my cats, then? NOT a good situation anyway you look at it.

My car broke down AGAIN and it's been in the shop for 12 damned days. The mechanic put a bum clutch in at the end of May and is having to replace the thing. I asked him What is taking so long? Every time I speak with him he says tomorrow...tomorrow....My husband spoke with the mechanic once (a single once), but is useless as far as caring for me AT ALL. He financially supports me because he's guilty about being a lousy husband (he is that).

The smoke from the wildfires is driving me crazy. Really crazy. This entire state is on fire, I'm not kidding. Look at it on an aerial photograph! My God, this state is burning up. And more fires keep coming, then more. It's like living inside of Dante's Inferno, right between the covers. Today I attempted a short walk to get
> out. of. here.<
Could not get deep breaths, my lungs wouldn't do the job. And I have perfectly healthy lungs. My heart was racing, beating in my shoulders and chest. I had to stop in the library entryway to stand in the a/c and get some breaths. Pretending to read their bulletin board so no one thought I was odd, crazy, or (most embarrassingly) sick.

I have had to cancel every appointment except pdoc...no therapy, nothing. For weeks. Why? Because I cannot spend so much time with my husband. He's a horror show. (We live one mile apart, thank God.) I have a pdoc appointment in 2 weeks. No reason to see her, really, any earlier; she has nothing to tell me at this point. Praying I will have my own car by then.

Anyway, you get the picture. I cry a lot. A lot. The world is so, so sad. It has been sad for...forever. What can change it? Not much, is my guess. I'd like to just lie in bed and read, but that's depressing to do before 9 p.m., anyway.

I was invited to fly to San Diego (if it hasn't burned down) in late September. I LOVE to fly and a time on the beach sure would be great. I am ashamed to tell you all that not one person close to me (my family) is willing to take care of my cats for 3 days. My husband, horror show of his life and my own, is too psychiatrically messed up to properly care for them. My daughter lives 15 miles from me and I care for her and her husband's cats/messy kitchen/dirty dishes/garbage/not-swept floor, etc. several times/year.

But: No. She cannot make the time to take care of mine, not even for a single day, not one time. (She is extremely selfish, a brat at the age of 33; I indulged her.) My son lives in SF, so I can't blame him. The traffic across the bridge is perfectly AWFUL; besides the whole thing is 85 miles west of my town. What would I do if I was sick? Had to enter the hospital? Then what? Thinking of the possibility terrifies me. Cats are very, very delicate beings. We have our ways of doing things, me and them. I sing them specific songs at specific times (I can sing very well; there are times when that saves me).

I'm very tired but there seems to be a carnival event inside my head; music, lights, spinning, the Works.

What do you think? Is this a mixed state? Has the Paxil caused this - or is it the smoke? Maybe cut it in half tonight? I'm worried I'll become depressed, but I'm already depressed. What's wrong with these people?

Why did my RED paint pen run out? Of all the pens? Not the purple (royalty), but RED! Ha, once (this was 33.4 years ago) I left a bright-red sweater in the waiting room of a psychiatry clinic. I can see it in my mind, quite vividly. I left that sweater on purpose, which is what I sometimes do with extra clothing that is in nice condition. You know: someone else will find it, can use it, will be happy with it. The red was scaring me, frankly. Well, it's time now to wash the dishes and feed the cats. I have to believe it will all be okay. There is no other option.
.Stop. (pretending this is an old-timey telegram that I recently spent 100 1886 $ to send).

[~Christina]

Breathe .......

You have a lot going on and your brain is going a billion miles an hour , just a guess, your post seems manic-y

How’s your sleep ?

Cats can manage for 3 days. Go take that trip !

Keep posting !!!! your in my thoughts hun

[Daonnachd]

You in the North Bay? I'm almost close enough to care for your cats. I think you should make the trip. I'm breathing the same smoke - I know how it is.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( *Laurie* ))))))


WC

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Cats can manage for 3 days. Go take that trip !

Quite right. Leave them food and water and they'll be fine.

Your post reminds me a lot of me when I am "up".

Reading is good. Mechanics are often frustrating. Wild fire smoke is hard to handle (we have it here too, but from different fires). Family can be extremely frustrating. Cats are adorable.

You strike me as hypo/manic, but you know yourself best. If something feels off, get it checked out. In the mean time, we are here for you.

[pirilin]

Try cutting the Paxil in 1/2. 20 mg was too much for me too.

The fire situation must be terrible for you.
Unfortunately, we all go thru difficult situations.
I've been thru nine hurricanes and three earthquakes (my favorite disaster) and I'm typing.

It's easy for me to tell you to get a hold of yourself from here. I know. But you must.
Nothing will be accomplished by getting desperate. On the contrary.

See if you can take that trip. It'll take weight off your chest.

Where I live now, we are having all sorts of problems with red tide and river polution.
People are getting open wounds for going in the water.
The canals are full of algae and they stink and take your breath away.

Mine is clean still, but it's coming. The goverment and the army corp of engineers are doing nothing to aliviate the situation they created. The whole world is a mess right now.
Apocalypse you think?. I don't. Roaches have been here for billions of years and have survived. So will we.

I'm going to Hawaii on the 22nd. To see the volcano erupting.
La bruja says the tours won't take me, but I got legs. And pocket change.
I wouldn't miss it for the world. How many times do we live?.

I don't know if you enjoy chaos, but I'm a fan. I'm living it up!!!.

Relax. We'll get thru this. Soon hopefully. Be Safe and Happy.

Cheers!!!.

[*Laurie*]

You are all so kind. Thank you, thank you.

Christina, my sleep went haywire. Tired all day (but no napping), "woke up" at about 11 p.m. with all kinds of creative ideas that I HAD to work on. Wound up in bed at 2, tossing and jumping up to look for the moon. Strangely, it stopped being that deep orangey-red and was altogether obscured by the smoke. Kept looking for it...nothing. Very unnerving for there not to be a moon. Thank you, hun, for keeping me in your thoughts. That means a lot.

Vetigo, thank you...you are so kind. No, I'm not in the north Bay (where I wish I was today). I live in the hot valley between the Sacramento River and Cache Creek.

WC, you are so sweet and caring.

CantExplain, thank you for your kind encouragement.

TheSadGirl2, I love your post. And I appreciate it. Thank you.

pirilin, You are not only a tremendously gifted writer; you are able to cut to the chase (and it IS a chase!), while at the same time communicating a wisdom that can only come from the exploration of your inner world, and diving in to the true experience of life. Thank you. Yes - we will survive. We always have, after all. This is nothing new, old, or even middle-aged. It simply is.
Some day soon you should post a blurry pic of La Bruha, just so we can get an idea.
Thank you.

Apparently I plunged into the higher dose of Paxil way too rapidly and had a crazy reaction to it. For the past 2 nights I've dropped the dose a bit and feel substantially more stable, albeit, discouraged.

But the feeling of being discouraged has mostly to do with my husband of 35 years who seems to grow increasingly emotionally immature as each year falls away. His behavior of doing all he can humanely do to control me while his own life is pathetically out of control is truly wearying to me.

As for the trip to San Diego - meh. SD is gorgeous (for the wealthier population, anyway) - should you ever have the chance, go!- but I'd much rather travel northwest, to the Zen center (Green Gulch Farm), for example...a location where the coastal beaches are breezy and cool, not warm like SD. In addition, I would be genuinely afraid of leaving my cats alone for days. My apartment is not very secure, for one thing. I would be worried about someone breaking in through a window that doesn't properly lock.

This is a picture of the inside of my husband's house - a large house, every room like this, save for a tiny space in the kitchen where he sits to eat. This is how he lives. Each box is filled with books, but the house also contains a mountain of 100's of empty boxes and large sheets of plastic over boxes. The bright light in this pic is my camera's flash going off (because Lord knows, he does not dare open any windows, lest the neighbors see inside). I am, by some kind and loving virtue of the universe, quite the opposite of my husband. My little apartment is sparse and clean .