[Blueberrybook]

I have been struggling with this question a lot. I had so many talents in high school. I was top student in nearly every subject for my year. I won contests in writing (editorial, persuasive, fiction, descriptive), science, mental math, even first place in a state championship (for small schools) in physics. I was a very good artist. I didn't even know it until I took art class as my fine arts subject to graduate high school. It was a small school, so the fine arts choices were band, drama, home ec (I did NOT want to sew), and art. People told me the art teacher realized not everyone had great artistic talent, but as long as you signed your work when possible meaning you were not ashamed of your work (couldn't do it on every project: silk-screening a T-shirt for example, without it looking weird) and behaved, she would give you a good grade. Well, little did I know I could draw from pictures, size them up or down (using squares, measuring them all of course to get the proportions right). I was never that great at painting or using colors, but I did awesome art in pencil, a really good pencil drawing on perspective, charcoal, silverpoint, even using fingerprints dipped in black ink to create a picture. The fingerprint work won me a grand champion ribbon at the annual school fair (the biggest thing that went on in that town) and an additional ribbon as overall grand champion in the high school (grand champion over the other high school grand champions like science, English, history, etc.). My silverpoint work got displayed and earned me an Artist of the Month recognition award. And I'd always thought I sucked at art before taking that class. Afterwards, I loved to draw portraits (faces) in pencil & charcoal. Found some of my old drawings the other day and thought, "Wow. I was great at that.". I was a very good writer, wrote short fiction stories all the time for fun, just a notebook and pen. I didn't have a photographic memory, but it was nearly so. I'd take a test, read a question, and think, "Oh yes, the answer is under that picture of a building in the chapter on X." That made history and biochemistry memorization very easy for me. Even in the throes of anorexia in college, I still got straight A's & one B from Texas A&M University (the largest university in the state of Texas, a bit ahead of the University of Texas in Austin, which despite the rivalries between the 2 schools is also a very good school to attend). Texas A&M focused more on the sciences, especially agriculture & pre-vet school, medical students as well, while UT is a bit more liberal, so while future doctors & vets do go there, they tend to have a better fine arts program.

Now, all that creativity is just gone. What happened to it? I think even if I got off the meds (tapering everything in a doctor-approved manner), taking no meds, those talents and creativity would still be lost and gone. I feel like the meds have permanently changed the wiring in my brain or something, especially since I took tons of SSRIs for over 10 years before an excellent pdoc came along. After one year, she realized, it wasn't postpartum depression or just that but it was bipolar. Took her a bit to decide between 1 & 2, but after a spectacular manic scene in her waiting room and office, she had no doubts any more.

And of course, life has happened. I had bad things happen to me before high school, sure. But I didn't have stressors like finances & bills, raising a child, keeping a marriage together, etc. I hadn't yet gone through an eating disorder (I fortunately have few pictures of that time, but they are triggering and sad). I hadn't nearly been a gunshot victim. I hadn't almost died of a ulcer I never even knew I had burning through my stomach & into my small intestine. I'd never been pregnant, never faced secondary infertility (i.e. people always asking "And when are you going to give your daughter a brother or sister?, not realizing I had been trying and trying and just couldn't get pregnant). I hadn't had that sexual abuse incident at a massage parlor.

So a lot of life did have since I started on meds. I entered the psych system when I was 19 and am 40 now. I've been on meds nearly all that time except 6 months pre-pregnancy and during most of the pregnancy (OB gave me something at the end, Zoloft, I think and some Xanax). After going over options, I ended up breastfeeding my daughter while on Cymbalta (it wasn't studied or recommended, but I don't feel it had a negative impact on her). In fact, I think nursing is part of the reason she almost never gets sick and may even have helped her IQ. Though she was smart from the beginning. I did not realize it was abnormal for a 3 month old baby to sit contently on your lap while you read her full-length Dr. Seuss books (not the board pages, the whole book composed of paper pages), book after book after book, 4 or 5 in a row and the same with Beatrix Potter books until my youngest sister had babies, and I'd visit her and realize they would be held to read 1 board book, maybe 2, and that was it. Abnormally, too, my daughter never tore, tried to teethe on/eat, color over paper books.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like your brain has been re-programmed and even off meds, even if you weren't dealing with bipolar and MI, your whole personality and self would be changed from what it was before meds? I just do, like the meds have messed up my thinking & my brain and going off them, I still wouldn't get my creativity back (especially as it didn't happen pre-pregnancy and while pregnant, though obviously I know pregnant women deal a lot with hormones practically ruling their bodies).

[~Christina]

I am ME

Psych meds are the same to me as my asthma med. Take them and go about life.

I have up and downs, everyone has them MI or not.

There is no difference meds or not.

It’s about enjoying what you have and who are loved ones.

Life is to short to drag yourself around.

[imaginethat]

I feel exactly like this. I used to be so talented and read books insatiably. Now I can barely start a book, and I certainly am not as creative.

I don't know what to do about this other than do what I enjoy whether I'm really good at it or not, and accept that my life drastically changed after my diagnosis.

the thought of not having lithium in my life sort of scares me.

don't think I need to worry too much though for now

[Wild Coyote]

No.

So much time has passed. I will never be the person I was before I had become ill with mental illness and with physical illnesses.

If I were to quit meds, I would be much worse off. I see a pdoc and request meds because it makes my life better than it would be without meds.

I am desperate without meds. Sometimes, I am desperate with them, too. Yet, overall, I am better off with meds.


WC

[Goals2017]

I would love to be the motivated, outgoing, fun to be around person I was before my illness if I went off them now I don’t know if I would be that same person. What I do know is being medicated sucks but being unmedicated is dangerous and a manic episode awaits so it’s kind of a lose lose for me.

I was also very successful as a teen and young adult. I went off meds in my early thirties for six months. I was more creative but i also had trouble getting along with people. I argued with people in the service sector: bank tellers, grocery store clerks, bus drivers. I couldn't get anything done without making a scene. I hadn't been like that at all before meds. Now i'm back on meds and about as creative as a rock but i get along with people. I firmly believe i was headed to jail when i was off meds so it's a trade-off i willingly make.

I'm a much more later likable person on medications than I was before them. I was more productive for most of the years before taking meds, but I attribute that to my illness being less severe back then. The course of my illness worsened. How I was functioning just before medications was frightening and on a path to total destruction. I'm not on that path anymore.

I, too, have always been the same me, but of course the experiences and lessons I've learned over the course of my life have been highly valuable.

[DeFyYing]

I'd say it's probably the disease rather than the meds. Bipolar causes cognitive impairment, gray matter of the brain is destroyed from manic episodes. I also was a great student, now it feels like I can barely read or concentrate.

Right now, I'm a very calm, nice person (for the most part). Prior to meds--starting at age 14--I was a violent, angry, and depressed teen. I would start fights, beat the s*** out of people, verbally abuse people, and threaten people. I was abusive like that all the way up through my Master's degree program in CS. I was losing my ability to function.

Now that I'm on meds, I'm actually back to my old self personality wise, prior to age 14. I was always a nice kid who was generous and selfless.

Of course, my ability to read and do good work has diminished since starting meds, but I wonder if that was coincidentally brought on by the repeated episodes rather than my meds themselves.

[Moose72]

Without meds I'd hallucinate be delusional have delerium maybe and be generally miserable. No thanks.

[Movingon69]

I used to read constantly, sometimes 12 books in a month. I led an online reading study reading presidential biographies in the order of their presidency. I've read 5 this year. My favorite author has a new book coming out in September. Gee, I hope I can read it. I miss my books.

I wonder sometimes, but always come back to realizing that any potential good would be accompanied by the bad returning. And that's just not worth the risk. I don't think.

[Blueberrybook]

I agree too that I'm better on meds now than I would be off them. Even when I was off meds to prepare for pregnancy, I was not my old creative self. I was glad when I got back on them, happier when my diagnosis changed from major depressive disorder to bipolar because the meds actually worked (sometimes just a bit, and sometimes for awhile). It sucks to lose the creativity though.

[Scooter9]

You might be able to relearn some of your creativity. You have the skill so now it's a matter of fostering it.

It might not come to you as naturally as it did before but it might just come back enough to do it again.

I was creative in writing and am trying just that - relearn.

No motivation lately but it's on my to do list when it returns.

[Christopher1990]

Things could of been different for me. Everyone had such high expectations for me in the family being the first born. My first manic episode was at 13. So I've been on meds more than half my life. I could of went far in basketball but I blame the meds for stunting my growth. When I started meds I basically stopped growing and lost interest then learned to deal with it. I fought through in high school and was always a top athlete.
However going off meds Several times, and playing with drugs had set me farther back then I would of ever imagined. there has been so many setbacks all based from my poor decisions.
I'm a very talented artist, but haven't picked up a pencil or brush since before my last episode.

Everyone with this illness is different. I believe the majority of us with bipolar are above average iq.

In my experience with work and effort, talent and strength always seems to come back. Before my last relapse almost 2 years ago all of it came back. I felt like I was back to my old self. Like, I found it again.Again, I made some poor choices, went off meds and then completely lost everything I worked so hard for.

I will always be searching for that old self.

I think we have to try and evolve as humans and learn to deal with our illness in healthy ways.
And, unfortunately, going off meds is not an option.

Good topic and stay strong

[Blueberrybook]

I hate this stupid disease