[A Hobbit]

I took Trazodone at about, oh... 9pm - which is now yesterday. As I’ve been waiting to fall asleep I have listened to tons of music on my iPad. This actually counts as working because I am a radio DJ. but I’d rather be sleeping. Haven’t gotten much more that 2 or 3 hours of sleep in the past several days.

I’ve gotten out of bed a couple times for a cigarette. I should go up to my studio and do some work.

Anyway, Trazodone stinks - for me, that is.

Two minutes till 3:00

A couple people may have seen my previous threads wherein I explained that I hadn’t been to a doctor in twenty years. My wife made me go last week (I think) and they prescribed Abilify along with Trazodone.

Now it’s 3:00am. That’s the witching hour.

The Abilify nearly killed me dead on a single dose, so I haven’t taken anymore. Now my lovely wife is wanting me to call the doctor (nurse practitioner, actually) to relate what happened. Well... I don’t really want to. I’ve survived two decades without medication. I don’t remember the last cocktail I was on, but I think it was Paxil and Tegretol (sp?), and I quit them cold-turkey.

I don’t think I really have bipolar; I think I’m just a piece of excrement.

But, I’d still like to sleep. Soundly. And long. Looooooooong.

It’s 3:07, and I think I just wrote a blog post instead of a forum thread. So... raise your hand if you are also awake at the time the evil spirits are out doing whatever it is that do. Or used to.

[Wild Coyote]

*Raises hands, both of them*

I hear you!
I just took more gabapentin. I've been trying to find the right dose; that would be the dose that helps me to sleep, yet doesn't sedate me all day long. I am not sure this dose exists.

Then again, I'd slept some last night, so maybe not tonight/this morning?

Trouble is, without enough sleep, I am very agitated.

Some day, this is going to shift and I will be sleeping day and night in a paralyzing depression. Just don't know when yet.

Have you had any mood change with the lack of sleep?

I hope you sleep soon.

WC

hope you managed to get some sleep.

I didn't sleep all night, so...

I feel you

[A Hobbit]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Trouble is, without enough sleep, I am very agitated.


Some day, this is going to shift and I will be sleeping day and night in a paralyzing depression. Just don't know when yet.


Have you had any mood change with the lack of sleep?

I think the dr. would say that I’m hypomanic. If I do truly exhibit the symptoms identified with bipolar, then I would say that I spend a bunch of my existence in a mixed state, because I’m often agitated, touchy, and on the edge.

I would also say - again, if I am really bipolar - that I have rapid cycling. I’m known for being way up or way down, with little in the middle.

Something tells me I’m not really answering the question. Truthfully, I don’t know what the reality of my situation is. I usually have too much noise in my head to pay attention. I really don’t know what is real. I’ll think that I do, but when I try to explain what I’m thinking and feeling to my wife she often tells me that my perception isn’t aligned with reality. Other times she tells me I’m a genius. Go figure. But this has always happened; not just with my lovely soul-mate.

I said that to say this: it’s now 4:06 am!

No, not that. I said that to say this: I don’t know what my mood is like, but I remember my wife telling me that I’m acting differently. But I don’t see it.

[A Hobbit]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

hope you managed to get some sleep.


I didn't sleep all night, so...


I feel you

No. But I went out to have a cigarette and had to keep myself from climbing a tree. Or, better yet climbing up on the roof. I like to climb things - especially in the wee small hours.

If my wife caught me doing that... I think she’d insist that I go to the hospital. Then I’d certainly get no sleep.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by A Hobbit

I think the dr. would say that I’m hypomanic. If I do truly exhibit the symptoms identified with bipolar, then I would say that I spend a bunch of my existence in a mixed state, because I’m often agitated, touchy, and on the edge.

I would also say - again, if I am really bipolar - that I have rapid cycling. I’m known for being way up or way down, with little in the middle.

Something tells me I’m not really answering the question. Truthfully, I don’t know what the reality of my situation is. I usually have too much noise in my head to pay attention. I really don’t know what is real. I’ll think that I do, but when I try to explain what I’m thinking and feeling to my wife she often tells me that my perception isn’t aligned with reality. Other times she tells me I’m a genius. Go figure. But this has always happened; not just with my lovely soul-mate.

I said that to say this: it’s now 4:06 am!

No, not that. I said that to say this: I don’t know what my mood is like, but I remember my wife telling me that I’m acting differently. But I don’t see it.

I understand.

My agitation is severe enough it even offends me! Trouble is, it's hard to treat!

I'm going to pretend to play pdoc for a minute here: Why on earth would a pdoc give Abilify to someone who is hypomanic or mixed? This makes no sense to me! How about something like Seroquel?

Your meds are not helping you.

Are you open to going back for different meds? Or do you feel you don't need them?

I try to listen to my spouse, too. He is usually right about my moods. I try really hard not to allow my inner agitation to affect him.

It must be fun to be a DJ!!! Everyone loves a DJ!!!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Oh... and try to stay off the roof.
Maybe go for a run?
Or dance to the music?

WC

[A Hobbit]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I understand.


My agitation is severe enough it even offends me! Trouble is, it's hard to treat!


Your meds are not helping you.


Are you open to going back for different meds? Or do you feel you don't need them?

Believe me, I offend myself. I can’t stand to be around me! That is why I believe that I just have deep character flaws - which, no matter how hard I have tried, I just can’t be a better person.

Doctors look at me and say, “Alright. There is something going on. He’s all over the place. Sometimes he climbing th walls, others he’s checked-out from the world” So they do what they do best: treat symptoms with medication.

Keep in mind, I am not seeing a PDOC; I am poor with no insurance. I saw a nurse practitioner at a health clinic for folk like me. She asked us a ton of questions, and about my mental history, etc., and immediately said that an SSRI is not a good idea, and that a mood stabilizer - in the form of an atypical antipsychotic would be the first step to try.

But, again, I just don’t know if medication can help someone like me.

[Wild Coyote]

I think a lot of us wonder if we are beyond help and if meds will be helpful.

Another approach is to try the non-anti-psychotic types of mood stabilizers.

I hope you find relief soon.


WC

[Movingon69]

This was me last night. It was the first time I stayed up all night since going on medicine. I was really scared because that usually means a hypo/manic phase is coming.