Having Anxiety Attacks

I don't know if this belongs under the anxiety forum, but since I've been diagnosed with bipolar, I'm going to guess it is safe to post this here.

I've been losing it for a few days, and yesterday and today I've been having either an anxiety or panic attack(s). I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to be focused on my future, figure out what career to get into, and get my butt moving all at once.

I work as an adjunct English professor at a major college in NYC, while also running a solo marketing business, that is having slow business. The reason why I do not work full-time is because my last two jobs (a nonprofit job and then a part-time reporting job) caused me so much stress, I ended up in the psych ward overnight two different times. I've been afraid to look for a full-time job out of fear of having a mental breakdown again.

But this summer, I feel like I've regained my confidence. I did a temp job which helped me feel at ease working 9 - 5 again. Unfortunately, for reasons unrelated to me, the place where I temped could not hire me permanently. So I am back at teaching and marketing. It's bittersweet.

Anyway, starting Saturday, I began to feel nervous over going back to teaching. I dreaded being in front of the classroom again, fearing that I would not be a good professor (despite the very good reviews I usually get) and I would screw up somehow. The nervousness increased Sunday, and that night, I struggled to stay asleep. Monday morning came, and for the most part, I did OK with my two classes.

I thought I would relax a bit as a result, but then I started to question my future again. I really cannot stay being an adjunct because the pay is low and it is not stable enough. Sure, I get so-so health insurance and retirement fund, but I need something full-time perm. And the funny thing is, I have a deep passion for writing, and I feel like I should really make my writing career a priority now. I've always been writing stories, even as a small kid, and I literally can't not write a story of some kind. I just feel like I should focus on developing my writing career now, while at the same time, find something to back me up. Yeah, that's confusing. I mean, I know I should write on the side and work 9 - 5 doing something else.

Anyway, starting Monday afternoon, after my classes, I started overthinking about what I should do with my life and my future, and the nerves came back. By Tuesday, I was frozen with fear. I could not do anything, be it writing or working on my lessons or my business. Today, I felt the same way, only this time, I felt tightness in my chest, headaches, heart pounding, eating far too much and even buying a few things I really didn't need. I felt like I was going crazy.

Right now, I still feel tense and fearful of tomorrow. I feel like curling into a ball and crying. I also feel like screaming. I just want this anxiety/panic to go away.

I feel better now that I've typed this all out. But I still feel like what I wrote above. I really think I worked myself into this with overthinking and overanalyzing over my future. Yes, I have a lot to worry about, but I think I'm blowing it out of proportion.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Hi Pearl. You are far from being alone with such thinking, and I know that anxiety is very common for people with bipolar disorder. The type of thinking you describe is the cause of my major anxiety and barriers to getting back to any kind of major work. Please do give yourself major kudos for what you have been doing, which is more than I have managed to do in recent years.

I guess I feel a little odd offering suggestions to someone further along in recovery than me, but I do know that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has helped me most in taking baby steps forward. I hope you have a therapist you can work with.

I take xanax for anxiety and panic attacks. I don't need it every day. I do not find it addictive. It is not sedating.

My husband has performance anxiety. He is always terrified to start a work day. He's an electrician and a master at it, yet like you, he is afraid he will fail. He too takes xanax and it has changed his life.

This is just what works for both of us.

Thanks for the love, hugs and kindness everyone! I am feeling better, though a bit exhausted from the anxiety attack. I guess it wore me out.

I spoke to my therapist today and we discussed what was upsetting me. It is clear I overthought and overanalyzed things.

I take Lexapro for my anxiety and Abilify as a mood stabilizer.