[99fairies]

8th week here. My meds list is almost as long as my arm. I think I'm getting an LOAP on Friday. Hopefully I can stay home. I've lost 9 pounds last month. My pdoc is not happy about that, but I can't help it. I saw a nutritionist last week and she asked If I had ever been molested or rapped. I said yes and she said sometimes a girl will either loose so much weight after so that they have no boobs or *** and turn guys off. Also some people will gain a bunch of weight to become less attractive. I know I'm too skinny, but I don't know how to stop my eating habits. Anyone that can help me with this?

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

8th week here. My meds list is almost as long as my arm. I think I'm getting an LOAP on Friday. Hopefully I can stay home. I've lost 9 pounds last month. My pdoc is not happy about that, but I can't help it. I saw a nutritionist last week and she asked If I had ever been molested or rapped. I said yes and she said sometimes a girl will either loose so much weight after so that they have no boobs or *** and turn guys off. Also some people will gain a bunch of weight to become less attractive. I know I'm too skinny, but I don't know how to stop my eating habits. Anyone that can help me with this?

Maybe on the ED board. I am not IP, but you can see all the meds I'm on. And I need to gain weight too but don't want to either. I was molested when I was 4 or 5 and then again in a massage parlor incident in my 30s. A lot of people with EDs have been sexually molested, I don't think they have an exact number, 30 to 50% they think, but I'm not sure if that includes binge eaters who don't seek help and therefore are not classified officially as having an ED.

It's not eating habits for me. It's exercising way, way too much then not being able to eat enough calories to compensate, so they consider that purging type anorexia even though I don't throw up & I eat more than restricting type, which is the type of anorexia people tend to think of. I need to gain weight and want to get to X weight and stop there. I have lost past X weight. I want exact control to get to X weight and stop, or I feel I will suddenly wake up morbidly obese, even though I have never been obese in my life, maybe could have lost 5 lb. or so as a high school senior & I wasn't watching what I ate or exercising at all, but I have never really been "fat" though tell that to the ED. Anyway, you might get more helpful answers on the ED board.

[Wild Coyote]

I don't know how to help, Fairies.

I hope you can find the help you are seeking.


WC

[HALLIEBETH87]

I have no clue how to help. Feel better soon!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

8th week here. My meds list is almost as long as my arm. I think I'm getting an LOAP on Friday. Hopefully I can stay home. I've lost 9 pounds last month. My pdoc is not happy about that, but I can't help it. I saw a nutritionist last week and she asked If I had ever been molested or rapped. I said yes and she said sometimes a girl will either loose so much weight after so that they have no boobs or *** and turn guys off. Also some people will gain a bunch of weight to become less attractive. I know I'm too skinny, but I don't know how to stop my eating habits. Anyone that can help me with this?

I am really sorry you are going through this. Is this a new problem with the eating habits and losing too much weight, or were you dealing with an ED before? I don't know how to help, but have you tried therapy that addresses the underlying trauma or therapy that helps with the thoughts like CBT/DBT? I tried general psychotherapy when I had an ED and it was not very helpful, but think I would have benefited from something like DBT. It was just hard to stop the cycle of thoughts and restrictive eating. I also needed an IP stay where I was observed eating and discharged when I gained weight in order to start the recovery process...I really just could not stop on my own. Hoping you are well enough to go home soon.

[99fairies]

I had an ED when I was a teenager. I think the biggest issue for me is that I lost almost 90 pounds in 5 months. I don't want to be overweight ever again. Thin feels so much better for me.

[Blueberrybook]

It sounds like ED behavior. I have one that started in college. But losing too much weight too fast isn’t good for you either. Are the doctors wanting you to gain weigh? If they are, that has to mean you are very underweight for your height and bone structure. Docs are not freaked out if you are underweight by 5 lb. or so. I know, go tell that to the ED. I need to gain weight too but have been pretty stable. I think many meds (psych or otherwise) don’t work well if you are too underweight. If you are not in an ED facility, and the pdocs are worried, maybe you need a transfer to an ED facility. 8 weeks is a long time to be IP, so they must be wanting you there because the meds aren’t working. And if the meds don’t work, they likely will not let you go home. It sounded previously that you were very underweight, having anorexia symptoms like the fine hair growth all over, maybe loss of you period too? I can’t remember. I am so forgetful lately. I like myself thinner too, but you have to stop at a reasonable point where pysch meds can work. Anorexia messes with your heart too. Dropping weight that fast is anorexia unless you were retaining a lot of fluid, and it doesn’t sound like you were. There is a eating disorders forum here too though it is not as active as the bipolar board. I think you might get better advice if you post your question there.

[Blueberrybook]

Is it possible to ask for a transfer to a facility that treats EDs? Sounds like you may need that.

[99fairies]

The doctors here are desperate for me to gain weight. They give me ensure with all my meals. I don't eat the food and I dump the ensure down the drain.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

The doctors here are desperate for me to gain weight. They give me ensure with all my meals. I don't eat the food and I dump the ensure down the drain.

You need an ED facility for sure then. Maybe talk to a pdoc you like about it. There are a lot of places that will treat EDs, especially for people so thin or losing weight so quickly, labs and EKGs are not normal, their life is in danger or nearly so with sliding scale fees. I have heard of places doing it for free. Do they do metabolic panels on you, and do they do EKGs regularly?

Maybe ask for a social worker to look into it? Regular pdocs in a normal psych ward do not have a clue of half the stuff you can get away with to fuel an ED. There are so many “tricks of the trade”, and you can get away with all or most of them there. Actually, it sounds like you can get away with most anything there if they let you dump your tray, not drink the Ensure, don’t watch you eat and keep you from going to the bathroom to purge. I don’t think you are in the right place to treat you,

Otherwise, honestly, it sounds like being in the hospital is not going to help until you are stable ED wise and gain enough weight for meds to help you. But you cannot just recover from an ED or relapse unless YOU decide you want to. Places can feed you, hydrate you, give you therapy, but unless you buck up and do it and keep fighting against it, you will go right back to ED behavior the second you’re released.

So it depends on you. Do you want this type of life? Anorexia is the most deadly psych disorder there is. When you die (and I am not saying you are going to die soon though you could argue anorexia is a sort of slow suicide, but I am just talking about a general death since people don’t live forever) do you want people to remember you by your ED or by your accomplishments and things you have done? The love and care you have given to friends and family? Honestly, it’s this question that keeps me from completely toppling down the well. I have had some long periods of weight thin but not bad. First maybe in late 2000 until my daughter was born, then some iffy times, a bad relapse in 2015 and now (not as bad as 2015 or my original weight which was the lowest weight I achieved). My answer to this question is always “no”, so I pull myself up eventually and commit to recovery again. I have done it on my own each time, but this is atypical. Perhaps it is because I do eat and have to taper exercise a ton to recover. I have anorexia my husband never sees. He sees me exercising and not purging all the calories I will likely eat on a given day, so I don’t have issues like refeeding syndrome.

I hope you reach out and get help for your ED and get stabilized.

It sounds like you are in a really bad place, and you need to take care of yourself.

[99fairies]

My husband is on my case all the time. He says I look sick and emaciated. I've see two dietitians and 1 nutritionist. They helped a little, but putting the advise into practice is hard. I'm losing a lot of weight here. Everytime I get weighed My Pdoc gets pretty upset. Hopefully I eat more at home. Then I can eat what I want when I want. Thanks for all the advice. You are very helpful and kind Blue.

I've never had an ED -- so unfortunately, I can't relate or give you sage advice -- but I hope you're able to get better soon. You've got the right help, guidance, and care by your side. If you've overcome this before, I'm confident you can overcome this again.

[Blueberrybook]

You know you will NOT eat better at home. You will eat worse. That is the way of EDs. You need to get into an ED facility before you damage your body beyond repair or even kill yourself.

You are deluding yourself on purpose by saying you will eat better at home. If you cannot eat in a facility where they are passing out regular meals, you won’t eat regular meals at home either.

I would tell your H to get you into an ED facility ASAP. From the sound of it, you are bad off. Likely you won’t even get released from the hospital if the doctors are that upset about your weight and feel you are a danger to yourself.

But YOU have to do the work, meet them halfway. You said you’re not even 30 yet if I am recalling correctly? There is a lot of life you can lose out on. At the rate you are going, honestly I am surprised the docs have NOT yet put you in an ED facility. It sounds like you are walking, no running right up to that dangerous path leading straight to a heart attack.

I know I am one to talk and maybe could use IP myself. But I do eat. I have maintained this weight, up or down a pound or two 4, maybe 5 months now. Am I in a great place ED-wise? No. But I AM drinking protein shakes, trying to exercise less (rainy weather is helping that quite a lot lately). I am not actively not eating which I 100%know will make me worse, not better.

And ask the docs to weigh you backward, tell hubby to throw out the damn scale before you get home. I am telling you, you need serious intervention unless you want to end up with feeding tubes, the whole glorious anorexia 9 yards.

Please listen to me, and please take care of yourself. From the sound of it, you are trying to damage yourself as much as possible. I have anorexia. I know. You can even look at it as a slow form of suicide. Harsh but true.

It is the most deadly mental illness out there and not without reason. I think you are now at a point you are so engrossed with your ED, likely happy when you weight upsets your docs, that treating your ED should be your top priority and not treating your BP. You have to weigh enough for the meds to work right. You have to have metabolism that still works if you want BP meds to have any chance to help you at all.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't think they'll let you home with an active eating disorder. If they can help it. I'm surprised you get weekend leave if it's as bad as it sounds. You have to look at food as medication. Even if you just drink the ensure that's a start. Get some ensure for the weekends too.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

My husband is on my case all the time. He says I look sick and emaciated. I've see two dietitians and 1 nutritionist. They helped a little, but putting the advise into practice is hard. I'm losing a lot of weight here. Everytime I get weighed My Pdoc gets pretty upset. Hopefully I eat more at home. Then I can eat what I want when I want. Thanks for all the advice. You are very helpful and kind Blue.

Well, seeing a dietitian and nutritionist would help if you were say, having issues finding the right foods that work with your medical issues, or losing weight due to some other medical problem, but they will not really help if you just don't want to eat for psychological reasons. I hope you get the help you need.

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

You know you will NOT eat better at home. You will eat worse. That is the way of EDs. You need to get into an ED facility before you damage your body beyond repair or even kill yourself.

You are deluding yourself on purpose by saying you will eat better at home. If you cannot eat in a facility where they are passing out regular meals, you won’t eat regular meals at home either.

I would tell your H to get you into an ED facility ASAP. From the sound of it, you are bad off. Likely you won’t even get released from the hospital if the doctors are that upset about your weight and feel you are a danger to yourself.

But YOU have to do the work, meet them halfway. You said you’re not even 30 yet if I am recalling correctly? There is a lot of life you can lose out on. At the rate you are going, honestly I am surprised the docs have NOT yet put you in an ED facility. It sounds like you are walking, no running right up to that dangerous path leading straight to a heart attack.

I know I am one to talk and maybe could use IP myself. But I do eat. I have maintained this weight, up or down a pound or two 4, maybe 5 months now. Am I in a great place ED-wise? No. But I AM drinking protein shakes, trying to exercise less (rainy weather is helping that quite a lot lately). I am not actively not eating which I 100%know will make me worse, not better.

And ask the docs to weigh you backward, tell hubby to throw out the damn scale before you get home. I am telling you, you need serious intervention unless you want to end up with feeding tubes, the whole glorious anorexia 9 yards.

Please listen to me, and please take care of yourself. From the sound of it, you are trying to damage yourself as much as possible. I have anorexia. I know. You can even look at it as a slow form of suicide. Harsh but true.

It is the most deadly mental illness out there and not without reason. I think you are now at a point you are so engrossed with your ED, likely happy when you weight upsets your docs, that treating your ED should be your top priority and not treating your BP. You have to weigh enough for the meds to work right. You have to have metabolism that still works if you want BP meds to have any chance to help you at all.

99fairies is a dear friend of mine on here and IRL. I can tell that you mean well and are concerned. However your post comes across as aggressive. I know that she is fighting and she has a lot on her plate. We have all been there or are still there. All mental illnesses are particularly challenging because we are fighting our own mind. Aggressively worded posts feel attacking instead of supporting. She needs advice, compassion and a place to feel safe with her concerns. I'm by no means implying that you that you are intentionally trying to trigger her, but she is my friend and I know one of her triggers is when she feels attacked.