[Katme]

First off. Yes, I am finally seeing my pdoc again next month. Finally. She is so busy all the time ugh.

But just needed to vent a bit or sth.

So I had my last big episode in May, a mixed/depressive episode with psychotic symtoms. After that I decided to get back on meds bc I cant risk failing school or anything like that.
So got on meds in June. After that I have felt pretty fine. No mood episodes like the ones I am used to. Great.
I still have mild psychotic sympotms though that im alose used to having outside mood episodes. Will bring it up with my doctor next time.
And also now that I havent had a mood episode for quite a while (since May for me is quite a while, id normally cycle every 2 weeks), I have noticed other things going on. Like still having paranoia, my everyday mood being all over the place, still quite unstable, still suicidal sometimes, i feel like I dont know who the real me is bc I keep changing myself to suit the people around me, im irritable, impulsive.
But im sure it isnt a mood episode. Quite sure. It just has a different vibe.
Im so afraid that people are getting sick and tired of me. Last night i blocked two friends of mine. The two that I usually turn to when feeling bad or overwhelmed. Blocked them bc I felt I was annoying them and they don't know how to respond to my walls of texts sometimes. Now I miss them, but feel embarrassed to take them back.
My anxiety hasnt been good either lately. Have presentations and stuff soon but I just dont want to do them.
I just want to get blackout drunk. But not going to happen as there arent any parties coming any time soon.
I just cant put my finger on it, but there is something else to the bipolar, something different.
Again I will definitely tell my pdoc bext month. So I will be getting help, or trying to at least.
It's like ultradian cycling but when im in a mood episode I feel that my moods changing is what affects my behaviour and sleep and such. But rn it's like im changing and that affects my mood. So like the other way around and that is why it doesnt seem to fit what im used to.
Looking back I guess I've always had this extra thing too, it was just overshadowed by the big episodes. With them gone rn, this has surfaced.
Having awful derealization today and lately too, also sh thoughts. Many people around me are also teiggering those thoughts rn.
Idk maybe it is depression? Though it seems the derealization is making me depressed, not the other way around.

Sorry if this was long

Needed to let it out. As I wont see my doc in a while and not sure if she'll actually listen to me either once we meet. Sigh

[wildflowerchild25]

I have no words of advice but I wanted to say welcome to the forum. I hope you figure something out with your pdoc when you see them. It seems you are very uncomfortable and I hope you find some relief soon!

Welcome to the forums, Katme -- vent away! I hope you can get it sorted out with your Pdoc.