when it all hits home...

OK, now that I've calmed down at my stupid mail-order pharmacy & insurance, I think I can post. I was out of Buspar, Seroquel (1 left) and hydroxyzine. Stupid mail-order pharmacy kept pushing my order back and back for no good reason. Anyway, it took over 2 hours to resolve all that mess and get meds until the mail-order ones get here. The only place I don't blame is the local pharmacy. But Aetna & CVS Caremark had me seeing red.

Had to take low dose Seroquel, but it's not helped yet. Maybe the Klonopin will.

Saw pdoc today. He seems to feels I am severely mixed, but also that a good deal of the stress is situational & should quickly pass (meaning the CPS case, not my financial problems, unfortunately). Kept the meds the same, said come back in 2 weeks, and stupid me forgot to ask him for therapists' recommendations! I have been forgetful lately, which I also wanted to tell him, and I forgot that too. I was going to do more on finding a therapist today, but the medication situation got me very worked up.

Anyway, the pdoc gave me the filled out the disability form at the end of my appointment that I will send to the state tomorrow (today I'm just done with stuff like that). Seeing the "Individuals with employment limitations may still be assigned to complete community work in an office environment with little physical strain or mental demand...In your opinion, can this individual participate in activities of this nature?" checked no was not unexpected, but seeing it on paper is a bit disconcerting. And then reading that I have severe decompensations when trying to work was not exactly unexpected, but reading it all, having the permanent box marked on the form...OMG, this is the rest of my life and I started out with such promise - class valedictorian, B.S. in Microbiology, minor in Chemistry summa cum laude (just one B), M.S. in Cell & Molecular Biology, journal articles published, and now I'm down to this.

I just wonder why? I had such promise. And now, I'm hoping to find some sort of aid for this disability the pdoc puts down as bipolar I mixed severe and all the others too and just for kicks he added ADHD, so I might as well be a walking, talking DSM.

I know I'm much more than my diagnoses, but getting it all official while in one way is a validation in another it's like, OMG, how am I even still functioning? Actually, I've wondered the second question for quite some time now.

I've got the official form, and it's not really a shocker since the pdoc said he would fill it out and would definitely agree with retiring pdoc's opinion after speaking with her a few times about my case. Though lately, I feel like I'm spiraling faster than ever. And pdoc was not amused I weighed 1 lb. less this week. He told me not to give up on trying to find a therapist especially as he feels DBT or CBT would help the most with the ED, and I do think he's right.

But now I'm in a pitfall. Do I put the ED first and get to work on that or give the panic & stress top priority since it only fuels the ED? And God knows the severe bipolar I mixed cannot be doing me any favors either. Plus, it is not only difficult to find an ED therapist, I'm having difficulty finding any therapist at all, ED specialist or not (and I'm just mentioning bipolar & panic & stress on to the potentials). I did call another place today; I'll probably forget which one it was and call it again tomorrow, and things are going smoothly until they say there is a $50 cancellation fee if you don't cancel within 24 hr, which is standard, but I asked, well, what if my car breaks down and I can't make it (not exactly unexpected, my car is old and has 2-3 breakdowns a year) or my daughter gets sick and has to stay home from school, maybe need the pediatrician? Nope. Still a $50 cancellation fee. Now, I've found most places are good about same day cancellations if unexpected things like a broken down vehicle or illness occurs (as long as it is not happening every appointment or even most of them), but when the receptionist was reading off all this part of the policy, I was like, I can't do that, I can't afford $50 if I need to cancel because I can't predict the future. So another no-go.

What a day.

Maybe when you get a therapist, ask them what they think about focusing on the anxiety or the ED first. (I don't know if they need to be separated really. See what they say.)

That's what I say. They all feed into each other pretty much. Like a vicious cycle.

Blueberry my mail order pharmacy is pretty fast. Order arrives in five days- usually less. Most mail orders have an expedited shipping like overnight if you need it. It's typically cheaper than going to the pharmacy getting enough to tide you over.

Mail order is much cheaper for me than going to the neighborhood pharmacy. Hope it helps you out financially.

Thinking of you and hoping you find a therapist soon. And one that meets your needs, at that. It IS such a vicious cycle with the anxiety/ED. I don't know for you what you need, but I can say for me the mixed episode i was in was the only time in many years that I even had any eating disorder thoughts, and the intense anxiety made it so hard to stop ruminating and obsessing. I felt like I needed to control something because my life and mind were so out of control. Hopefully you and your therapist can work out a plan. I am still trying to figure out the therapy myself, so can't speak from experience.

I remember when I first saw my permanent disability paperwork 34 years ago.
I was devastated.

Be extra kind to yourself.


WC

I don’t have much to add except that I feel your pain on ‘potential’. I have a BS in environmental science, MS in evolutionary biology and was 2 years into my doctorate in molecular ecology... and 20 years later I’m working as a laborer in a foundry. Hope things get better for you...