Ever had that breakthrough in therapy where you are aware of some of the basic and simplest of foundations in psychology but suddenly you grasp how they correlate with your life? I just had that moment.

I feel kind of dumb about it, because it's not like it takes a rocket scientist to figure it out. I'm a very pensive and analytical person and I evaluate a lot of my experiences and generally can see the tie to underlying problems... but I have always addressed the current issue.. never the actual underlying cause.


I started on one topic, ended on another ( and felt I was jumping around) but when I finished, I realized I neatly traced my issues to a root cause with various stems, along with motivation to act certain ways, inability to do certain things, and where to start in terms of breaking down some of the issues.

This will make a lot more sense if I just share some details. I will. I trust those in this forum enough to divulge a little about me. Without getting to specific or running you through my maze of issues that lead me to a conclusion, I'll just skip to the conclusion.

I isolate myself and have my entire life. I don't keep friends close, let alone friends. I don't go out, I don't socialize very often, and I don't seem to have much problem rationalizing it's just who I am.

So, I started by first talking about a fight I had with my spouse. The actual content of the fight doesn't really matter-- but it lead me to see my self-loathing tendencies in a newer light. It easily transferred into an older, deeper issue of growing up in a world where I wasn't allowed to have voice and I was inherently wrong and I got hell for having a want, desire, thought or feeling that was different from my mother. I got hell for it. I got hell for wanting a degree, for wanting to learn to drive, to be a normal person... to have my own opinions and have them validated. Anyway, smaller issue lead to well known larger issue.

I skipped over the fight, and mentioned how I recently had an evaluation done where they list strengths and weaknesses etc. The assessor was quick to suggest " excellent communication skills" , which I've heard that a lot in life. I always laugh because I feel like conveying anything beyond a basic sentiment is difficult. A complex idea or feeling I feel I end up confusing the person more than helping them understand. Which got me thinking... I probably feel that way because core people in my life have made me out to be insane for wanting what seems like normal things, and broke me down many time emotionally and mentally telling me how stupid I am for wanting it. [I know I'm not going into details here on the situations, but just understand I am of normal intelligence and the typical normal things I want, wish and feel aren't odd, strange, or unavailable due to restrictions in my cognitive ability or otherwise]. I've always been the villian, the one who is wrong, and I have no one to plead my case. I have me. I either accept defeat, and end the chaos, or live through it fighting. Neither are exactly ideal.

Going from that I realize... that's also probably why it's so hard to make friendships and keep them. It's not that I don't enjoy socializing, but I do put emphasis on wanting validation and approval for my feelings, or actions. When things get a little hairy I back out, and I'm done. It's easier to run from possible adversity than it is to face it when you know how bad it can be.

Anyway, I really like this song and the whole song is a great example of what I'm talking about and about being beat down and having to pick up your pieces 100x you start losing sight and hope, and begin to believe things that may not be the case. Anyway... I'll just display a small part

"How Far You've Come" - The Wallflowers
"Sometimes a high wall, is just a wall
Sometimes it's only there to make sure you feel small,
But may be there to save you from a much deeper fall"



So, my whole isolation issue ( My "Wall) -- perhaps is just who I am, how I'm wired. It is what it is. It's just " my wall".
Maybe it's just there to remind me I'm socially inept, I'm not good enough to maintain friendships, I cant communicate and be understood.. It's there to remind me that I am that failure.
or maybe it's a wall I placed to protect myself from the pain I've grown to know from experiences with others.

At times it can be all three -- but I can kind of resonate a little more closely to the last one after my little (long) rant with my therapist.

It is 5am and I hope this message makes sense. It was just enlightening and in light of all my struggles recently it is kind of refreshing to be able to share something positive.

That is very positive! Such insight from therapy (or elsewhere) feels great when it finally comes. In therapy (good therapy) it came over time as I saw results. Other times for me it's an "Ah Ha!" moment.

I'm glad you have made a positive discovery. Please allow that to continue to assist in feeling better.

It very much makes sense. In fact I relate to a lot of it. (No dissenting, catching hell for normal things, being told I communicate well, yet feeling socially like I never got the book "everyone else" did, not good at maintaining friendships -- though different reason, etc.)

I'm so glad you had an "aha" moment. They're important and sometimes so elusive. They are so helpful in working on things..

[pirilin]

Shoot! I couldn't find the shameful epiphany.