Bipolar highlights and nadirs

Batbelfry's thread about numbers of depressions to manias got me thinking about some of the most significant highlights and nadirs of my bipolar illness. I know there are various ages represented here, so some may have many more of these than others, but I'm wondering what the main big bullet point bipolar events have been in others' lives. I've had long periods of mild-moderate ups and downs, but I'll just mention my most significant severe ones. I know some may be too hard for some people to share. No need to go into details, in those cases. Here are mine (loooooooong):

• 15/16/17/18 years old - So depressed missed so much school they threatened to hold me back a year (having to quit ballet was the trigger). I had been taking 5 to 7 ballet classes per week for some years. School recommended I be sent to a therapist. So anxious, my mom took me to GP who prescribed buspirone (anti-anxiety med).Then later they recommended I be sent to a private school after passing out in the school hallway and coming to in hysteria with dozens of students staring down at me. With the school switch I decided to "find God". Went to five different churches in town before deciding God was closest to me at the Roman Catholic church (my parents were non-participating Baptists). Went to Rite of Christian Initiation and was baptized and confirmed Catholic. Was highly religious for a good two year period, but got in trouble at school nonetheless. Studied hard and graduated at the top of my small class. Gave a speech in front of the church congregation of about 100 people. Said things I still feel embarrassed about to this day, but wasn't embarrassed about at the time.

• 20 years old - So depressed I had to reduce my college course load to the minimum 12 credits in order to stay on campus. Missed many classes. Got my worst grades that semester than any other semester in college.

• 21 years old - Stole my best friend's new boyfriend (my first true love) and did some pretty nasty stuff (won't mention). Lost 30 lbs during a mental/physical sickness, and yet did extremely well that semester taking 21 course credits. Felt like I was going "crazy" and hearing voices, so went to university health center who sent me to my first psychiatrist. The psychiatrist was an idiot and prescribed Prozac, which I took for three days max and had a mood switch.

• 22 years old - Went to Taiwan to continue studies of Chinese. Become "sick" and returned home after two months.

• 23 & 24 years old - Moved to California with my boyfriend who was getting his Ph.D. in Chemistry. Worked in ESL program office, but was reprimanded often. Started drinking heavily. Boyfriend broke up with me. I then got a job in Taiwan.

• 25 years old - Became depressed after four months working and studying again in Taiwan, and didn't report to work. Boss and TAs took me to the hospital. The psychiatrist gave me multiple bags of who knows what pills. I took them for a week or so, then decided to quit the job and travel around Asia by myself. Went to Hong Kong and got into some minor trouble. Went to Thailand and became hypersexual. Got robbed on island of Ko Samui. Returned to Bangkok then back to Taiwan. Decided to go home to my parents' house.

• 30 years old - Had been married four years to my sweet hubby and was moving up the career ladder, but with some behavior warnings. I also started drinking heavily again. Occasionally went to GP for minor anxiety/depression complaints. He gave me ADs, which I took for max one to two weeks before mood switch.

• late 32 years old - After third or forth time complaining to GP about anxiety, depression, and anger issues, he referred me to a local psychiatrist. Was prescribed Lexapro, which I took for about one month. All the while, I attended weekly group therapy with him. After the fourth week, he tapped my shoulder to stay after. He then told me I had manic depression. I didn't know what that was and told him I was not interested in the "Lamictal" he wanted to prescribe. He gave me a brochure about bipolar disorder, which I tossed on my way out. I didn't even mention this diagnosis to my husband, at the time. I think he had suspected bipolar before, but at that last group therapy session I was a doozy!

• early 34 years old - My mother had suddenly died of an unknown illness (later dxd a type of cancer). I had been drinking even more heavily than ever. My behavior was EXTREME! Six people at work went to HR to wage complaints against me. They threatened to fire me. In rebellion, I wrote and left a resignation letter same day. I had been having suicidal ideations. Hubby made me go to the psychiatrist who sent me for my first psych hospitalization and alcohol detox.

• 34 to 38 years old - Bad years! Full blown manias, mostly mixed with some psychosis, ending in over one year severe depression (ECT treatments). Then manic with mixed again. Spent equivalent of at least 18 weeks inpatient total during these years, and about two years total in PHPs/IOPs. [Won't go into the details.] The first PHP/IOP lasted six months, then I returned to that job I had. My husband had told them to ignore my resignation. I returned to work in between hospitalizations/IOPs at least four times, mostly only part-time before subsequent hospitalizations/IOPs. One time I did reach full-time for about six months, during which time I was extremely productive. Twenty different psych meds, a handful of alcohol blackouts, including during a business trip, etc., etc. During my 10th hospitalization, my employer terminated me for being gone too long. Gotta give them credit for holding my job so long! I applied for SSDI and was approved first try, receiving my first checks five months after application.

• 38 to 44 years old - Ugh! Though avoiding hospitalization a few times thanks to my current psychiatrist of 15 years (a different doc than the one who dxd me bipolar). Once when manic at home, it turned into psychosis. I called 911 because I thought the devil was after me. I didn't speak, just screamed. Six cops showed up at my house. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Hubby got home to save the day. Avoided hospitalization, but of course had emergency pdoc appointments.

Some good periods, some rough periods, after minor to major family tragedies. Hypomanias often, low grade depressions often, stability most often.

• May 2018 (mid-late 40s) - Gradually went manic during anniversary trip to Portugal. Almost not allowed on plane back to US. My poor husband was crying. I was afraid that there was anthrax in my travel bag. Customs was hell. I was lucky I wasn't taken by police for my loud rants. My psychiatrist again prevented a hospitalization by giving me multiple emergency appointments.

I would like to conclude this long a*s post by saying that I have so far had more wonderful times in my life than bad times, in my view. I am supremely fortunate to have my husband. Maybe it's my glass half full mentality speaking. I never had children, but never particularly wanted them, and in my case, that was good.

I do my best to find simple pleasures in life, and as many as possible. I do believe I will eventually get back to work, and know I'll have plenty to contribute. I'm 99% sure I will, eventually. Some people may view my life after age 32 as horrible, but I have learned so much about myself and others, and have become a more compassionate person. I know that I have helped others during this second part of my life, perhaps more than I ever helped anyone before. I don't feel cheated in life. While I did feel "weak" for a period, I now regard myself as being strong, and having been strong. Sometimes you have to look back on things years later to realize this.

Thanks so much for sharing!
I am glad that you see yourself as strong.


WC

What a great synopsis!

Great post thanks.

Great post! Always happy to read about my favorite bird mom!

Can't read that much. Monkey IQ.
The important thing is, that in retrospect, you're happy and feel lucky to have had your husband.

I have kicked out La Bruja in more than one occation(sp).
She, sometimes understand that I'm sick. Or irresistible. Take your pick.
I wouldn't know what to do without her.

P.S. What Nadir means?.

Definition of Nadir
1 : the point of the celestial sphere that is directly opposite the zenith and vertically downward from the observer
2 : the lowest point

Thanks CANDC!

pirilin, I definitely understand. I've had periods when I could hardly read more than a paragraph. It was very sad for me for quite a while, but I did get past that cognitive impairment. I know I write a lot. During most of my life I've been told I was "wordy" or "gabby". I have had to abridge my written and spoken chatter at times, but the truth is that writing (and even the act of typing) and yapping gives me great pleasure. My husband cuts my chatter short sometimes, and gets angry when I talk over him. I try to stop, but sometimes I can't.

lowest points have included



being evicted from my home

being unable to return to school (since I missed so much and school wouldn't have me back)



among my high times are:

-being able to take a course in animal care for a few weeks (before I crashed hard), and being able to look after all the animals and tour an actual farm

- becoming completely obsessed with pirates and turning my entire wardrobe in to davy jone's locker (that was fun!)

- writing a poem, " from shadows to eluminations", which I still hope one day to turn in to a story (she says, even though the poem was written ages ago)

- likewise, my Charlie and the chocolate factory in the year 3000 was pretty cool

- getting naked outside and taking 50 photos of my bottom and uploading them to facebook

- fooling my sister in to thinking she had an audition for the X-factor (that was so much fun!)

- the first time I got drunk and started speaking Spanish and American and French, even though I can't do any of it usually

- throwing my food across the hospital ward and asking for seconds.

only me...

raging vortex, thank you so much for sharing. I had created this thread not just for me, but as a place for others to share about their notable times. I really appreciate that you did that. I know some times are very hard or not possible to mention on forums like these (or sometimes anywhere).

I'm sorry you had to stay in the hospital during Christmas. I was once in the hospital on my birthday, and unfortunately there weren't visiting hours on that day. I have to say that my fellow patients and the nurses made it as pleasant as possible. I hope your hospital did something special on that Christmas day.

The naked photo shoot sounds fun. When I was still dating my husband back 22+ years ago, when I was 26 years old, my hubby took nude photos of me in a beautiful wooded area with ferns. They were beautiful photos because my husband is a great photographer and the nature there was so lovely. I don't know if my mood was elevated or not. Back then I was usually rather prudish. What got me, though, was that my husband shared a few with his friend in Prague, Czech Republic (my husband is a Czech). I was so embarrassed and scolded him for doing that, but he insisted that they were artistic and beautiful. Nudity is not as big of thing there as it is in the US, or at least my area.