[Movingon69]

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. It is always a rough day. Since we are staying with my step-dad though until our house is finished, we are going to her favorite restaurant tonight.

My drivers license suspension hearing is today.

While, I have done an excellent job of restraining from self-medicating lately I struggle with fighting the temptation to fall back on other actions I do during swings. It's like that cartoon of the devil and the angel on your shoulder. One telling me to ahead it will feel good. The other reminding me of the consequences. I'm trying so hard to listen to the angel. If I screw up the progress I've made with H and kids will push them away for good.

I just feel sick.

My life is such a wreck. It's my own fault. If only I had been able to kill myself that night. The havoc I dump on everyone would go away. H is so good about telling me he'd be devastated. I get he would initially but people move. He's such a handsome and caring guy he'd find someone else who wasn't a tornado to live with.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by Movingon69

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. It is always a rough day. Since we are staying with my step-dad though until our house is finished, we are going to her favorite restaurant tonight.

My drivers license suspension hearing is today.

While, I have done an excellent job of restraining from self-medicating lately I struggle with fighting the temptation to fall back on other actions I do during swings. It's like that cartoon of the devil and the angel on your shoulder. One telling me to ahead it will feel good. The other reminding me of the consequences. I'm trying so hard to listen to the angel. If I screw up the progress I've made with H and kids will push them away for good.

I just feel sick.

My life is such a wreck. It's my own fault. If only I had been able to kill myself that night. The havoc I dump on everyone would go away. H is so good about telling me he'd be devastated. I get he would initially but people move. He's such a handsome and caring guy he'd find someone else who wasn't a tornado to live with.

—-if your family can focus on celebrating yr moms life, ok restaurant choice. If not, not so good. My mom is 96 and just started to get alz. so to try to be upbeat , I chose about 10 songs to celebrate her life. It helped me to grieve my aunts death from same.
You’re special or yr husband wouldn’t love you like he does.
Put on yr game face in court.
We’re here for you. Hugs!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Movingon69

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. It is always a rough day. Since we are staying with my step-dad though until our house is finished, we are going to her favorite restaurant tonight.

My drivers license suspension hearing is today.

While, I have done an excellent job of restraining from self-medicating lately I struggle with fighting the temptation to fall back on other actions I do during swings. It's like that cartoon of the devil and the angel on your shoulder. One telling me to ahead it will feel good. The other reminding me of the consequences. I'm trying so hard to listen to the angel. If I screw up the progress I've made with H and kids will push them away for good.

I just feel sick.

My life is such a wreck. It's my own fault. If only I had been able to kill myself that night. The havoc I dump on everyone would go away. H is so good about telling me he'd be devastated. I get he would initially but people move. He's such a handsome and caring guy he'd find someone else who wasn't a tornado to live with.

I hope your day has been easier than anticipated.


WC

You are being too hard on yourself. You are special and loved and he would be devastated, and not just for awhile.
I hope your day goes easier than you figured on.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry it's such a tough day. I hope the day was easier than you feared

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

—-if your family can focus on celebrating yr moms life, ok restaurant choice. If not, not so good. My mom is 96 and just started to get alz. so to try to be upbeat , I chose about 10 songs to celebrate her life. It helped me to grieve my aunts death from same.
You’re special or yr husband wouldn’t love you like he does.
Put on yr game face in court.
We’re here for you. Hugs!

Actually, that's exactly what we did. Went to her favorite restaurant and shared favorite memories. H loved her. So, he was a active participant.

Sorry for your struggles.

Your husband sounds like a good man. Believe it or not, many of us do care about your well-being, even if we don't know you in person. No one wants to see another person hurting. That's why we're all here to support you and everyone else.

That said, I'm glad you went to your mom's favorite restaurant. We did that a few days after my grandpa died -- his favorite restaurant. It hurt me a lot to do that, to go without him (since the only time we DID go was with him and that's it), but I know that he would've wanted us to be happy and celebrate his life. It would mean a lot to him, even though it upset me greatly. It sounds like you handled that tough time very well and I'm happy that it worked out for you.