[Crackersmonkey]

I’m angry and in mourning over what bipolar has stolen from me. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar more than once. Unfortunately, I didn’t believe or accept it. I was recently rediagnosed after an undeniably manic episode. I’ve been taking antipsychotics since July.

Every time I start thinking about my past I get angry and weepy. I can’t stop reassessing moments from my past through the lens of bipolar. For the first time my past makes sense. The bad decisions, the reckless behavior, the rage, the depression.

I’m angry and sad that this disease has stolen my friends, stolen my relationships, stolen my jobs, and stolen my happiness. I don’t know anymore what from my past was my own ****** behavior and what was the disease.

The worst thing and the thing I can’t deal with is that it’s stolen my reality. I thought my manias were real true happiness. Now I know they are sickness. I don’t know what real happiness is anymore. With the meds, I feel numb and empty when I’m not angry or crying. Is the numbness how I’m supposed to feel now?

Deep down I want to go back to the mania. It’s the best I’ve ever felt about myself. I want to feel supremely self confident again. I don’t what what I’m feeling now. I know this is wrong but I can’t stop thinking it. The only thing that keeps me taking my meds is that I don’t want to hurt my wife and kids more than I already have.

I’m lost, hurt, and angry

I'm not sure what to say, but I'd like to welcome you to the forums, Crackersmonkey I hope you will find it helpful here. There are a lot of nice and supportive people.

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please jump in and make yourself at home.
I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

It's understandable that you feel a sense of anger and of loss.
Some people describe feeling numb on their meds. Sometimes, a med adjustment can help this numb feeling. Please mention this to your pdoc.


WC

Originally Posted by Crackersmonkey

I’m angry and in mourning over what bipolar has stolen from me. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar more than once. Unfortunately, I didn’t believe or accept it. I was recently rediagnosed after an undeniably manic episode. I’ve been taking antipsychotics since July.

Every time I start thinking about my past I get angry and weepy. I can’t stop reassessing moments from my past through the lens of bipolar. For the first time my past makes sense. The bad decisions, the reckless behavior, the rage, the depression.

I’m angry and sad that this disease has stolen my friends, stolen my relationships, stolen my jobs, and stolen my happiness. I don’t know anymore what from my past was my own ****** behavior and what was the disease.

The worst thing and the thing I can’t deal with is that it’s stolen my reality. I thought my manias were real true happiness. Now I know they are sickness. I don’t know what real happiness is anymore. With the meds, I feel numb and empty when I’m not angry or crying. Is the numbness how I’m supposed to feel now?

Deep down I want to go back to the mania. It’s the best I’ve ever felt about myself. I want to feel supremely self confident again. I don’t what what I’m feeling now. I know this is wrong but I can’t stop thinking it. The only thing that keeps me taking my meds is that I don’t want to hurt my wife and kids more than I already have.

I’m lost, hurt, and angry

a lot of people have been (or are) their

I think for me probably the biggist thing is reorganizing my life and knowing what my limits are

I don't think when I was a kid, I'd have ever predicted so much would go wrong with me and I'd have to seriously rethink things

[Nola0250]

Really sorry you are going through this. I can relate. If it helps, I was where you are 6 months ago. I felt numb for quite a while. Now I don’t. I fluctuate still, but less, and I can tell what is “disease” and what is me. Most of the time. This is with being medicated 10 months. I feel like I a zeroing in on stability. I bet you will too. It’s an infuriatingly long road, I know.