I’m not telling my boyfriend I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder (i’m recovered). We’

sorry if this is really long, but I could use some help. I wrote down some pros and cons to make sense of where we're at:

One one hand I have reasons for keeping quiet.
1) he already knows I take medication (not what for), and he knows vaguely i have highs and lows.
2) I just want to be judged for who I am and how I behave in RL, not based of the diagnosis i’ve been labeled, and all the scary **** written about it just a google search away.
I feel like telling people I have “bipolar” doesn't say anything about who I am, but it says a lot about what people think it means. Because it is on one hand a label, and i know what most people think when they hear it.
3) is that it would take me a lot of time to talk about it an unpack what it actually means in my case. You know, explain that i don’t swing every other second,
that i’m not violent, or lack empathy, to explain i’ve been on medication and stable for a long while and that even my occasional highs and lows are so mild now they don’t meet criteria.
It’s just such a long and intense topic of conversation, I don’t even know if I can jump into it or explain it properly. I feel like it would make him understand me less, not more.
4) is I am afraid that he will worry about me, and worry that the worst will happen. I’ve never self-harmed or attempted suicide even back when I was unmedicated,
but I’m afraid that will be something he’ll worry about still. I don’t want to be in a relationship that has that kind of dynamic.
5) is, I don’t usually even think about it. I mean I take my meds, but I still go through periods of time where I forget I even have mental illness. I have that kind of incredible luxury,
because I’m in a way, recovered. I like that it’s not something that hangs over me anymore, I just don’t worry about it. Even when I feel mild symptoms come back, I know how it goes,
most people don’t even notice, i still function, feel normal again in about 1-4 days. Like nothing ever happened. I feel like If I have someone who cares and worries about it, it will hang over me again.
6) is, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I don’t feel sorry for myself. If anything I feel blessed for the kind of life i’m able to live now.
7) maybe its too soon. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it doesn’t make any difference.

But then there are the other reasons for why i feel i compelled to tell him.
1) I feel like my silence is somehow wrong. I can’t expain it, but I feel this incredible guilt for keeping this from him.
2 I’m just thinking about what’s best for me, but what if it’s not what’s best for him?
3) he has a lot of questions. Why my medication makes me drowsy when I take it. Why I take medication. What my medication is. Why I can stay up really late sometimes, and need more sleep other times. Why I have a sleep routine, why I make myself fall asleep when I feel like staying up all night. Why I avoid smoking weed, Why I avoid drinking too much, why I’m so ******* careful about everything.
4) I’m tired of not giving him clear answers. I feel like I’m lying. Like not outright lying, but just not saying stuff when I should. It just feels wrong.
5) there are those occasional times when my mood is questionably high or low, and it usually just gets written off as good/bad happening, rather than the truth - i just woke up that way and it will go away when it will.
6) I worry about wether or not it effects him, or if he even aware.
7) What if it’s actually obvious. What if he already knows, and just isn’t saying anything either?
8) it’s also made me who I am today. I don’t take life for granted - because I know rock bottom. I take the long and hard road with my goals- because I’ve learned many times that there’s no shortcut. Even though i’m usually stable, i’m still affected by my past experiences in the way I approach life. It’s not just a bad thing.

I guess I'm the first person to vote in your poll. I selected "talk a little".

Normally when I see questions like "When/if I should tell my bf/gf?" I ask how long they've been the bf/gf, how serious the relationship is, and most importantly, how much you trust him/her. I don't know the answers to any of these questions as they relate to your boyfriend. I sort of get the feeling that he has been your boyfriend for a little while, and that you probably do have some level of trust in him.

The issue with this boyfriend of yours is that he already knows something based on what your wrote, and you say he has questions. Given this, I think you should talk a little bit about your diagnosis, as long as you trust him. If you don't trust him, then maybe you should keep the relationship casual until you do.

I understand you not wanting him to think the worst is possible. That's great that your illness is in remission, or at least partial enough remission that you function relatively or completely normally. You would need to say that way up front, if you talk about it further. It is important. Tell him that if he visits a forum like this, many of the people he'd encounter are not in the place you are now. Surely many people in your place are not visiting forums, and are leading normal or relatively normal lives.

I don't know your past history. I do know that people with bipolar disorder are affected in different ways than others, have varying skills in coping and avoiding triggers, respond with varying success to medications and coping skills, and just plain have different courses of their illnesses. Some people are plagued by the illness much of their lives, others have only two or a few major episodes in their whole entire lives, with maybe some little disturbances in between that they manage. If you feel your bipolar illness is not a major league concern, then you might want to tell him that. Perhaps your worst bipolar days are long over.

I have no idea how severe or numerous your earlier episodes were. Maybe they were very severe. You need not dwell on the past with your boyfriend now. You can concentrate most on the present. I will say that if your relationship becomes very serious (living together, marriage) I would tell him at least the basics about your worst episodes. Such a commitment would mean that he would become a significant part of your support system. The best support requires a more detailed background knowledge. But even with that, you still have the choice to omit some things.

I agree with BirdDancer -- you should talk a little bit about your diagnosis if he's already noticing things, especially with your medication, unless you want to keep things casual. If he's noticing things, then he may suspect you're hiding things from him, which is technically true, and that can show that you don't "trust" him. (I'm not saying you don't trust him, but from his POV, he may go as far as thinking you don't trust him with anything.)

Also, BirdDancer is right that you need to speak out about having a bipolar Dx if you are married or living together. He at least needs to know at that point that you have bipolar. But the longer you hide things from him, the more suspicious he may get, and the more he may lose your trust. You know, "Why didn't you tell me earlier???"

It depends on how long you've been with him. Can you tell him you take meds for mood swings and just don't give him the name of the DX?

I understand those who say you should share only a little, but I don't see how you could in reality give him part of an explanation but not the whole truth. Of course, this all depends on the duration and dedication of your relationship.

I think I would have a hard time keeping g my bipolar from someone I had a relationship with. On the other hand I just had a second date with someone (haven’t dated in a long time) and there is no way I’d tell him anytime soon. This thread is interesting. I’m thinking a lot about this, when to tell. Definitely not too early. Maybe at 3 months? I think it depends on the relationship

If you want the relationship to fail, don't tell him.

If you want it to succeed, give him a bit of time to get to know you then tell him.