[S.J.]

I hope it's okay here. It's sort of general but is based on my mood disorders.

So I went to a second-hand (resale) store to find some new, used but cheap, clothes for an upcoming job interview.

I find shopping relaxing and it gives me some sort of satisfaction I often lack normally. I'd compare the satisfaction to emotional eating, as well as the repercussions but that's another story. Well sort of, because its relatesd, or atleast in this story. You see I'm also an emotional eater, which isn't a problem until depression hits or I'm off my ADHD meds (which act like an appetite supressant). But now I AM depressed and im off ADHD meds. I've gained 25 almost 30 pounds in 2 months. I hate myself rn A LOT. I hate my mind but even more i hate my body.

So today I found a bunch of stuff to wear to the interview (and hopefully a new job). This would normally give me satisfaction and a short high but it didn't. It was still a bit fun, yes, but the fact I was clothes shopping for a job I dont even want but have to have puts a major damper on the positive feelings.

I was surprisingly focused on what I needed to get instead of things I would want. But it stemmed from the feelings of worthlessness that made me not want to look at anything else.

I tried on overthing I found. Nice blouses, skirts, blazers, an more. It was exhausting and depressing. TWO freaking months ago I was a size Medium. Now I'm trying on Larges and XLarges, and a couple XXLarges.

There was a moment where I was down to my underwear, sitting on the crickety bench, just staring at myself in the mirror. All I could think was, "who is this person?". I don't recognize muself; mind or body. I hate myself. I hate my body. I feel trapped in this shell of fat and mush.

Possible trigger:

I then noticed the bottom part of the mirror was broken. I noticed a small piece of it was sitting on the floor. Half naked, filled with self hatred, I stared at it. I remember how it feels to glide a sharp object accross my skin. I miss that feeling. I picked the piece of glass up just to touch it. I thought how nice it would be to just cut off the rolls piece by piece. Would I feel better then? I know I wouldn't. I just put the glass back right where I found it, got dressed, and continued shopping.

Leaving, I felt defeated. Almost empty. Plastic bags full of things! 3 blouses, 1 shirt, 2 blazers, 2 pairs of shoes (flats and wedges), 1 skirt, 1 pair of trousers, and a A5 size ring binder at a last ditch attempt at keeping an agenda, and yet I felt like a complete and utter failure walking out of those doors.

I still have another week until my appointment and I'm becoming increasingly desperate.

Hi S.J. I'm sorry to read about the depression (and perhaps anxiety?) you are experiencing. I think many people who've experienced depression and/or anxiety can relate. Self-medicating with food, alcohol/drugs, shopping, and many other things are pretty common, I think. They are certainly not limited to people with bipolar disorder. I think that in the end this type of self medication usually exacerbates situations, unless only done on occasion.

I hope you will discuss what you wrote here with a psychiatrist and/or therapist. I'm worried about what you wrote in your trigger section. Or at least I hope you will also talk to a friend, family member or hotline. Please stay safe. Things will get better in time. I was able curb self-medicating with help (at least mostly), and have even lost a significant amount of weight in the past.

There are depression, anxiety, and overeating forums on PC, too. Unless you suspect you have bipolar disorder, they may be equally or even more helpful.