[S.J.]

Hello. I've never posted on bipolar boards before. in matter of fact I tend to avoid them.

But tonight is different. I can't seem to avoid it any longer.

I think I'm bipolar.

I'm professionally diagnosed with 'recurrent' Major Depression and Dysthymia, or what my doctor likes to call "double depression". I seem to cycle a few times a year usually seasonally or switch drastically because of certain medications.

These past couple of years Ivr been on Celexa and Vyvanse (for ADHD) and was doing okay. Then I canceled 2 appoibtments and ran out meds a couple months ago. I was doing okay at first, but the last couple weeks of stress and loss has me spiriling quickly.

I've been sleeping around 4-6 hours a day (not night my sleep is so messed up) and last night I slept 15 hours. I'm up again tonight at 330AM and have no sleep in sight. I've gained 20 pounds in a little over a month because of my vynase and depression feelings of worthlessness and doom has me binge eating. I'm easily agitated, consistently tense, and fly from rage to sobbing. Most days I don't get off the couch. The only thing that entertains me is YouTube videos that don't last longer than 3minutes because I lose interest and realize how ****** everything is.

I'm pretty sure I'm in the middle of a mixed episode.

This has happened to me a few times before in the past, twice because of medications and once when Dysthymia met a horrible loss. They last a couple weeks and i end up depressed or feel amazing.

I've never discussed any of this in detail bwith my current psychiatrist, and only slightly with a past one. She obviously knows I'm cyclic but I never voiced my concerns about bipolar disorder.

I made another appointment with her after I realized my current state. I forced myself to call and I see her the end of October.

I'm unsure if it'll be this way still or done. I've told myself many times to mention my concerns, but I either "feel fine" when I see her or I chicken out because I don't want to disappoint her or her realize how messed up I really am.

I'm not seeking a diagnosis or anything, I'm just wondering if this sounds familiar. I know I need to discuss it with her next month, but how do I when I'm feeling stable or if I feel like it's a mistake. Because what if she wants to drug me? What if I'm just being sensitive? Or a hypercondriach(sp)?

Sorry this was so long I have no one else to talk to without being shut down or called crazy.

It's definitely important that you discuss your concerns fully with your psychiatrist. I understand the situation of suddenly not mentioning certain things when finally in front of my therapist or doctor. I often get side tracked or only speak of what's going on "in the moment". My suggestion is that you write what you wrote down here (and any other details) and make sure you bring it to your next appointment. Make sure you mention them, or even give your doctor a print out and ask her to read it briefly to start a discussion.

You're right we can't diagnose here. I'm definitely not qualified. I will say that I have experienced anxiety, irritability, and agitation in depression. From what I've read, these can also appear in major depressive disorder, as can insomnia and hypersomnia. Those symptoms are not exclusive to bipolar disorder. It's really best for a psychiatrist to analyze if these are just features of your major depressive disorder or something else. If you've noticed these symptoms after going off of a medication, that's a very important thing to mention. Do be honest about when you stopped them and how long afterwards such and such symptoms started. How does that compare/contrast with when you've been on your medications (and which medications)? Maybe create a timeline.

[Sunflower123]

First, welcome to PC. I’m glad you are here. BirdDancer has good advice about talking to your psychiatrist about what’s been going on even if you are feeling better by then. It also might be very helpful to make that timeline so you have everything at your fingertips in case you forget.

I’m sorry you are struggling and send best wishes that your psychiatrist can help you out. (((((Hugs)))))

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC.

I am sorry you are suffering.

I have kept a daily diary format and I review it before my appointments. It helps me to remember whatever I need to cover as we meet for an appt.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking here at PC.
Please do jump in and make yourself at home.
I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[Nola0250]

I strongly endorse the idea of a daily diary/journal. I can never think of significant things when I see my pdoc. I have my journal and I go through it day by day and give him the highlights. Invaluable.

[pirilin]

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you are powerful, you are.
If you think you have bipolar.............

Cheers.

[Wonderfalls]

I tend to think it can be a little hokey to print out forum letters for the doctor, but in this case I think it would be a very good idea. Your thoughts are mixed up and confused and are not in a form to put into bullet pointed ideas. I think even a list of daily notes would not convey what you're trying to say right now, maybe some other visit.

I can see how it would seem embarrassing, but once the post is printed--it's printed. And once you've brought it with you, well that's done, and once you hand it to him, then there you've managed to handle it. You can explain to him that the thoughts in the post now seem alien and irrelevant to you if you want--but there they are; you've done what you need to do. You've done everything you can to help yourself.

[S.J.]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. Im sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

A little update: I seem to be sleeping normal again, but most days I feel depressed. I feel worthless, anxious, tired, bitter, physically sore, never hungry but always want to eat. I have a million things to do and a hundred things going on but have little energy, desire, or motivation to accomplish what I need to get done. Yet I still have little patience, tend to start arguments, get angry and short tempered over comments, and blow up in rages or crying fits. IDK what's going on right now. I've gained 20lbs, am effing crazy, and physically and mentally miserable.

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

I tend to think it can be a little hokey to print out forum letters for the doctor, but in this case I think it would be a very good idea. Your thoughts are mixed up and confused and are not in a form to put into bullet pointed ideas. I think even a list of daily notes would not convey what you're trying to say right now, maybe some other visit.

I can see how it would seem embarrassing, but once the post is printed--it's printed. And once you've brought it with you, well that's done, and once you hand it to him, then there you've managed to handle it. You can explain to him that the thoughts in the post now seem alien and irrelevant to you if you want--but there they are; you've done what you need to do. You've done everything you can to help yourself.

I appreciate all the diary/journal suggestions but I appreciate this more.

I can't do journals, blogs, diaries, or agendas. I'm 30 years old and have tried, like making it an active goal try, to do these sort of things. I've tried to do it when I was on medication, stable, and heavily motivated. Unfortunately between ADHD and whatever else going on in my brain, it's not in the cards.

I'll write it down, as I've done before, but still unsure if I'll have the gumption to read it aloud