[SorryShaped]

I'd been having flashes in my vision. 5-htp took them away. Dunno. This is the only good I can report right now.
I'm super anxious and depressed. Nothing is really improving it. Mental pacing. Racing thoughts. Anger. Self-violent thoughts.
I've been drinking lately. A lot. About a 750ml of hard liquor a month has gotten up to two bottles a week. It slows down the racing thoughts for a while.
I think about suicide most of the time. Day and night. Very little takes it away and never for long.
I have an infected tooth that's broken. It needs to be fixed but I can't afford it. Root canal.
My building is going to have plumbing renovations soon, and I'm going to be without water and have to use a camping toilet inside my efficiency apartment. I don't know how to cope with this one yet.
I have not stopped the relationship with my ex whom I don't love. I don't want to be with her but I do it anyway. Sex isn't even good. I rarely orgasm unless I'm thinking about someone else. She comes here because her house is chaos. I can't go there for long because it's so overwhelming.
Physical pain levels are insufferable. The neck pain alone makes me question if life is worth this hurt.
Mental pain is worse. I'm truly scared I'll end up killing myself because I freaked out too much too often. This ex was mentally and emotionally abusive in the past and exhibited controlling behaviours yesterday as per my drinking.
I can't concentrate. I barely sleep. I hate being awake. I never sleep well.
My therapist keeps telling me I'm ok but I keep saying I'm not. I have no friends I can talk to directly. I wish every night before I go to sleep that I don't wake up again.
I know how bad this all is. I don't know what to do. The hospital has helped in the past, but with bipolar that fades away as moods shift.

[Victoria'smom]

If you think the hospital will help I urge you to go. When do you see you pdoc? Most of my therapist's couldn't tell when I was in a bad position. I would take this post to your T.

[SorryShaped]

I don't think hospital will do more than keep me safe until it passes. Bipolar does the whole cycling thing and it will pass. None of the knowing of passage calms the current mental pacing. I saw my prescriber Tuesday and she didn't want to make changes even though I told her how badly I feel. A healer I'm friends with online suggested 5htp and it worked for the flashing. I'm stuck feeling this way until my stupid mind decides on its own to feel another way. Ack!
I do see my therapist this week but I don't know what to do

[liveforsummer]

I hope your therapist can provide some help for you to get through this rough time. Be safe

[unaluna]

I feel for you on the terlet business.

[~Christina]

I’m so sorry your going literally through hell.

A toothache alone would make me lose my shyt. We use the credit care program to get my husbands crown done. It was a simple process to apply for it. We pay like 30.00 a month , will be paying forever but he had to get it done.

You now the alcohol isn’t helping things of course , can you try and at least cut down ?

Your Ex ? I wish you could just let that end all the way, you would eventually be glad you did.

Please stay safe , you are loved here

[tecomsin]

I feel the same way about the tooth ache. I've had a cracked tooth and needed a root canal. i think having that chronic pain could easily drive me into an episode. I had a cracked tooth during my first episode and it triggered a trigeminal neuralgia like pain. I had these shooting stabbing pains and they though that I was crazy for having them. It was a week before a nurse suggested to try carbamazapine, which is a treatment for that condition. All the while I was in a hospital kept against my will without anyone believing the pains I had were real, but a sign of mental illness.

If you are not happy with the choices you are making then you can change them. Have you tried AA?

[clydeblack]

Hey, this sounds really hard. I'm proud of you for writing about it. That's difficult. Maybe tell yourself that everytime you wake up that is a huge accomplishment in and of itself. The act of just waking up is underrated.

[nikon]

i'm sorry you're struggling so much

[Blueberrybook]

I feel you on the tooth work. I have cracked so many teeth from hard clenching while asleep (apparently not grinding, or H would have heard because often he comes to bed later). I finally got a dental nightguard, and if I remember to use it, can often keep it in 5 or 6 days out of the week (take it out in my sleep, used to be every night).

Dental work is SO expensive. I only just scraped by with a crown and not a root canal last time, and even crowns are not cheap. Plus, one time (a few years ago), I fell on the stupid tilted sidewalks in this neighborhood (since they decided in the beginning to plant pines but mostly oak trees out front in the 1960s, and now the oaks are large, the roots go everywhere). Anyway, I fell forward, catching myself with my hands before my face made contact with the sidewalk but not my teeth.

Pain can be miserable. I had SI joint pain that made me cry any time I had to get up or sit down while pregnant. And the pain I had after that ulcer surgery did make me wish I had died. Unbelievable, even on morphine, extra morphine shots (very unluckily, morphine made me super nauseous, so another shot so I wouldn't throw up), I was in constant agony.

I hope your T can help you.

And really, if you don't want to be with your ex, you shouldn't. It's not healthy for either of you.

[~Christina]

How are you feeling today ?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

How are you feeling today ?

Not better. Thanks for your concern, all of you. I'm truly afraid of backlash from my ex if I break it off. We aren't in a "love" thing anyway. She knows I'm not. I did burn way over 3000 calories today, in two gym trips, and that helped some, but the feel good feelings are gone. Now I'm alone, lonely, depressed and have been thinking about the bottles. They also started tearing into part of the building today. They're taking out cabinets, walls, closets, sinks, toilets... It's going to be a nightmare without running water. At least I can shower at the gym if I need to. Did that before when I went homeless. I binge ate when I got home and now I have a massively upset stomach as a result. Time to shower and go to bed. Gonna try not drinking, and I'll be fine without it. Maybe

[yellow_fleurs]

I am sorry for the difficult time you are experiencing. I hope things start to look up. Even when you say you are not okay your therapist says you are fine? I think they should listen if you think you aren't okay, right? I hope they can help you.

[~Christina]

Sorry your still going through so very much.

Lack of water and things would be a huge stressor I can only imagine

Hopefully you can avoid the bottles tonight : hug:

[SorryShaped]

I had trouble sleeping, because of all the caffeine yesterday, but I didn't drink a drop of alcohol. Little victories. I'm going to help some people today with their farm for a while. Not a paying gig but keeps me busy and they've helped me in the past. I'm going to yoga first.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I had trouble sleeping, because of all the caffeine yesterday, but I didn't drink a drop of alcohol. Little victories. I'm going to help some people today with their farm for a while. Not a paying gig but keeps me busy and they've helped me in the past. I'm going to yoga first.

Good for you! I hope you have a better day today.

[liveforsummer]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a lot to deal with. The others have all posted such wonderful kind words of encouragement. That’s good you were able to abstain from the alcohol last night. One day at a time. Enjoy the yoga and hopefully the farm work will act as a positive distraction and being outdoors in the fresh air.
Stay safe

[clydeblack]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

How are you feeling today ?

I'm taking care of some of my scars and saw my T today, so things are moving forward it seems.