[cashart10]

So, I saw my pdoc today. She called my experiences and my behavior of late rapid cycling and said my anxiety is secondary only to a still underlying mood issue. She increased my depakote. I am having a terrible time working. It’s like the nightmare of high school all over again (in high school I had to leave every day due to explosive varying mood and panic issues until eventually I had to drop out my sophomore year, do a home hospital, then go to a specialized school for junior and senior yea). It is absolutely horrible. She switched from klonapin to xanex but for some reason even .5 mg of xanex knocked me the crap out (as in I slept like an ENTIRE) day. So, tonight I’m trying half of that and going from there. I already took it and I have my mom on standby to help care for the kids tonight in case it knocks me out like that again (my husband is working 3rd tonight). My pdoc asked if I needed a leave from work. I explained that I really want to avoid that, and I do, but I’m having such s hard time coping. I’m seeing my t weekly again which I’m hoping will help. I can tell my brain is still slightly off. Tonight I thought about pulling my car over to the side of the on ramp so I could watch traffic way below but then I thought...what if I decide I want to sit on the edge or something if I do. It could get worse. So, I just kept driving. We are going to check my depakote level next week too to see how much room we have to work. Anyway, I kind of want to fade away.

[wiretwister]

thinking of you hun ... hoping it gets better soon ... Tigger ..

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

thinking of you hun ... hoping it gets better soon ... Tigger ..

Thank you. 😘

[cashart10]

I feel panicked as tomorrow I not only have to go to work but also have to take my son to Boy Scouts. I don’t see my t until wed. I have no idea how I can make it. I hope the xanex actually touches the anxiety. I could pace right now.

[Guiness187055]

I hope the xanax works for you too.

[~Christina]

What other coping skills are you trying ? Mindfulness, meditation , yoga, breathing exercises ?

Xanax or any med can only do so much as you know.

Keep flinging coping skills at it until something sticks.

Hope you feel better soon

[liveforsummer]

I hope today is manageable and that the Xanax is helping and that you can find coping skills (as ~Christina suggested) that work for you.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, cashart10 From what you wrote, it sounds like you're doing everything you can to cope with your anxiety and depression. Be proud of yourself for that. Please don't give up. I hope you'll be able to see your T soon. Try to hang on. At least for a few more days. Remember to take some time for yourself and relax. Try to find some distractions if you can. What do you like to do in your free time? Also remember that there's nothing wrong with taking a day off if you feel like you can't handle it. You're already struggling and there's only so much you can take all at once, after all. You need to take care of yourself first. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Remember that we're here for you. We all love you here. Keep writing here if it helps. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Gosh this is a tough situation for you. It’s challenging enough just to keep up with kids and work. I hope the meds work soon. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

What other coping skills are you trying ? Mindfulness, meditation , yoga, breathing exercises ?

Xanax or any med can only do so much as you know.

Keep flinging coping skills at it until something sticks.

Hope you feel better soon

I try havening which is something my t and I work on extensively and I try breathing but it is still very hard not to be distracted by the anxiety. Thankfully, I had a VERY busy day today (we are short my teacher so it’s just me and my other assistant—I work in a special needs classroom so there are 2 of us assistants) which eased some (but by a long shot not all) of my anxiety. I had to take a few small breaks so I didn’t lose it.

[cashart10]

Thank you all so much for the support. You have no idea how much it means to me! I woke up no less than 5 times last night and it took forever to fall asleep each time. I have no idea how much sleep I got. But, I was afraid to take one today at work because I couldn’t afford to be tired. So, I took one as soon as I got off and I’m taking one at bed time. My husband said he heard my daughter’s doll go off the other night so it sounds like I wasn’t having auditory hallucinations but I still have no idea about smelling the cookies baking. All I know is that I was so seriously freaked out that it scared me. My mom told me to start wearing my Fitbit again so I can track my sleep since it is so freaking sporadic right now. I am ready to be done. I keep reminding myself...you were stable for over 2 years...you were stable for over 2years. This IS cyclical. You Will get better. But, at the same time, I know how sick I can get. I know how bad it can get and I feel like I’m there. I don’t want to lose my job. I don’t even want to have to take advantage of FMLA. Thankfully my school district is closed tomorrow for negative wind chill so I won’t have to work and I will get to see my therapist. I just feel like things are SO bleak!!!

[winter loneliness]

Have you tried CBD? It is supposed to be helpful with anxiety. I smoke pot to chill out but I would not recommend you try it. Ask your doctor.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I try havening which is something my t and I work on extensively and I try breathing but it is still very hard not to be distracted by the anxiety. Thankfully, I had a VERY busy day today (we are short my teacher so it’s just me and my other assistant—I work in a special needs classroom so there are 2 of us assistants) which eased some (but by a long shot not all) of my anxiety. I had to take a few small breaks so I didn’t lose it.

Be proud you were able to manage it , that’s huge.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Have you tried CBD? It is supposed to be helpful with anxiety. I smoke pot to chill out but I would not recommend you try it. Ask your doctor.

No. I did smoke pot in high school though. I used to smoke what my best friend’s mom would bring home and have good experiences but then I had a couple bad. I quit in high school and aside from one other random time in college, never did it again. I never did anything stronger either. I’m not really sure how I’d react. Is it legal in places where pot is illegal? I don’t know much about it.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Be proud you were able to manage it , that’s huge.

Thank you! It was a rough, rough day. And tonight, I am going from walking, to sitting with music blaring in my headphones to a very long shower. I am so lost in my head. Completely crazy. Completely lost to my family. My little one came home sick but my husband picked her up as Tues is one of his off days. She’s sleeping. My oldest is sharing my space currently across the room from me, watching cooking shows. She keeps randomly asking me questions and I have to put my music on hold. And I can only tell her, you’re hurting my head. You’re hurting my head. She doesn’t understand my frustration. In fact, she just said “MY GOD!!! I will stop interrupting you!” My son with his autism is off in his room watching his videos as usual and my husband is in the basement playing Donkey Kong. He was really concerned about me earlier. And...then of course he propositioned me. Oh well, good release of nervous energy. Now, he just watched me take my meds and told me I need to go to bed by 11. Well...we’ll ****ing see about that. I am a little agitated. Don’t have much reason to be so. I just need to ****ing do...do ****ing something. I don’t know what to do. Don’t feel like cleaning. Exercising is too loud. My husband won’t ****ing let me drive...at all. Maybe I should just run off with the car. I could swing or run or spin but my daughter is already giving me glance after glance. I know she’s thinking calm the **** down. Aaaasgggghhhhhh!!!!!

[~Christina]

You have been in this head space 2 years ago and did some driving that was hella unsafe with your kids in the car, so listen when your husband says no to driving.

Your daughter should be going to bed soon I would imagine.

Just keep your headphones on and dance the night away to burn off any energy , take your husband offer and go with it. Basically do anything “in” your house to burn off energy. Jumping jacks is a good one , been there done that before.

You will find stability soon.

[cashart10]

Touché!

Bed time? Ha! It’s 1 hour 43 minutes past their bed time and I didn’t even notice. Sneaky little monsters! Thank you for the encouragement! I am SO relieved I am able to see my t tomorrow!

[cashart10]

This is what my mind is enveloped in currently. I’m melting.

YouTube

[cashart10]

2 of my 3 children have literally passed out in the living room. This is where I am. And where I am not sleeping. I’ve already taken 1/2 tablet more than she prescribed of xanex and I’m not going to sleep. Not ANYTIME soon!!! Should I take more? Page the on call doc? What should I do?

[sophiebunny]

Give yourself lots of hugs for how you are juggling work, children, home, and your illness. You are doing all the right things. It's so hard when doing all the right things doesn't translate into relief quickly. Please be gentle with yourself. Bipolar 1 disorder rapid cycling is exhausting. Children are exhausting. Supervisors are exhausting. I can totally empathize, I've only been out of rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder for a year. During that two-year cycle I held down a medical research job, planned my daughter's wedding, underwent breast cancer treatment, and wrote my first book. It all would have been a whole lot easier if I weren't manic every 6 weeks. I did, however, come out the other side. You will too. Believe that.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by sheltiemom2007

Give yourself lots of hugs for how you are juggling work, children, home, and your illness. You are doing all the right things. It's so hard when doing all the right things doesn't translate into relief quickly. Please be gentle with yourself. Bipolar 1 disorder rapid cycling is exhausting. Children are exhausting. Supervisors are exhausting. I can totally empathize, I've only been out of rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder for a year. During that two-year cycle I held down a medical research job, planned my daughter's wedding, underwent breast cancer treatment, and wrote my first book. It all would have been a whole lot easier if I weren't manic every 6 weeks. I did, however, come out the other side. You will too. Believe that.

You are incredibly kind! Thanks for the encouragement!

And you, well, your experience is incredible! What an excellent example!

[cashart10]

Ummmmmmm......

Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls

[cashart10]

Please rapture me in this music. Like total ecstasy to my ears, my mind, my soul. Let it swallow me whole. Because I’m dancing with the stars...straight up to the ****ing sky.