[ClarinetAndCooking]

My husband has been struggling with extreme depression for about a year now. He was raised in a household that shamed mental illness so it was a huge struggle to get him to finally agree to see a doctor. I honestly can't imagine overcoming that obstacle during a period of depression. I am proud of him but I'm also struggling next to him and frustrated. The doctor's have experimented with a few depression meds and apparently said that if this current one didn't work that he likely has bipolar. It's clearly not working but his doctor doesn't have any openings for 3 months so we are just stuck waiting for the next attempt.
I don't know how I can make it that long. I personally am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse and neglect from when I was a child so I sometimes find many of his new behaviors to be rather triggering. Sometimes he ignores me for weeks which triggers abandonment issues. Then, in his manic state, he suddenly looks at me like when we first met and I feel relaxed, safe, and loved again. He even apologizes which I put merit into and think "maybe things will go back to normal." It is always crushing though when he falls back into his depression. I feel like I'm the issue and undeserving during my weak moments. I have struggled with depression myself so I have extra sympathy for him on the other end of this. However, I don't know how to support him without sacraficing my own mental health. Do any other spouses/partners have any advise?

You are not the issue. No one is to blame for depression.

It doesn't seem like your husband's depression was necessarily triggered by a situation (or at least a major external situation). Am I right? Unfortunately, depression doesn't need a big (or any) trigger sometimes. It's so frustrating that that is so often the case.

You say that when your husband's mood improves that everything improves, even for you? That's good.

Do you go to therapy, too? If not, maybe you should consider doing so for a bit, and your own therapist.

It's true that during depression many people isolate or seem to be distant. That's part of the illness and doesn't reflect on anything a loved one or friend did or didn't do.

I'm sorry your husband has to wait so long to see his psychiatrist. Support in between may help. Have you heard of NAMI or DBSA? They offer free support groups. Maybe there's one in your area.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi ClarinetandCooking,

Welcome to PC and to the Bipolar Forum.

BirdDancer has given some excellent advice.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please do make yourself at home.
I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[Kitten33]

Hi, you are not alone in dealing with a partner who is an emotional roller-coaster. My fiance gets to deal with it too! I have bipolar disorder and it can be a very serious struggle at times, personally and in my relationship. I guess I can give you a bit of perspective from your husband's side. I'm sure it's very hard on you, to say the least. Please keep in mind that it's not his fault. That's difficult in itself, especially when his behavior hurts you. And it's not him. I like to look at it as bipolar disorder is something that I have, it's not me. I'm much more than a diagnosis, I'm a person. Looking at it that way makes it easier to cope with in a relationship. Your husband is sick. It's like if he had cancer (God forbid) and he was moody and didn't feel good, needed medication to be ok, you wouldn't be angry with him, you'd try to be supportive and understanding, right? It's very similar, yet harder to deal with when it becomes emotional.

I would say waiting 3 months to see a doctor isn't an option at all. I'd find another doctor, or even the emergency room if necessary. bipolar disorder isn't something that can be well managed long term without medicine. And you are right, switching meds, trying to find what works is a nightmare. I have been through it, it was so awful that I gave up, stayed unmedicated for a long time. Finally I did a bunch of research myself and went to a doctor and said this is what I want. I want effexor and wellbutrin, which is a bit of a dangerous combination from what I have found out, but it works for me! It's like a miracle. I'm certainly not suggesting that for y'all, I'm just saying instead of relying on doctors, it can be helpful to do your own research and make suggestions to your doctor that you think might work better than just trying whatever is next on the list of pills. There is hope. I promise. It requires the patience of a saint to be with someone who suffers with mental illness. When the person you love is on the right medication, stable and able to live a "normal" life, it will be worth it, you'll be glad you stuck through it, it will make you stronger. It will build trust as well.

Maybe it's time for a heart to heart when he's in a good place mentally. He can't be too up, or too down if you want him to really listen and care. You'd be surprised how easily bipolar peoples moods can be shifted. Intentionally shifted! When I was unmedicated and having a terrible time, my fiance had all the power to help change my mood, even if he didn't know it. Something as simple as laying next to me, rubbing my back and saying I know it's hard, but I'm here for you, I support you and we will get through this together could take me from the lowest low to ok, I'm alright. The basics matter a lot too. Water, hydration, good food, a little exercise, something enjoyable like a dinner date or a walk can help tremendously. You may feel like it's not fair. It's not fair that he's such a mess and you are the one responsible for dealing with it and trying to help him all the time. What about you? He's the man, he's supposed to care and nurture you, too. He can't right now. He mentally can not, it's not his fault, it's like a lightswitch in his brain that someone turned off and disconnected the power source. A professional has to turn it back on and you aren't a professional, all you can do is love him and help him. Remember why you married him. He's still that person, his happy switch is just being flipped up and down and up and down like a little kid playing with the lights, or it's shut off. He wants it to be on all the time. Trust me, he wants to be happy, to not suffer, to not make you miserable. He probably even feels very guilty for dealing with this and that may be what is causing him to withdraw, maybe he doesn't want to inflict his pain upon you and therefore it's easier to just be quiet since he's literally incapable of being happy. You came to a good place. Clearly you want to help him and yourself and keep your marriage together. You don't have to face it alone. There's so many people, such as myself, who made it through the hard parts that seemed impossible to get through. Y'all can too. It's temporary. The sooner he finds a doctor that can really help and the right medicine, the faster it will get better. If you feel alone in this and need someone to talk to, you can reach out to me. I'm 33, a mom, happily engaged, happily medicated, lol. I live a pretty stable and "normal" life, but it hasn't always been that way. I know the pain you are going through, my fiance and I almost didn't make it because of my bipolar disorder, several times. Me staying on medication is essential to the health of our relationship and family. Y'all will get there. Don't give up on him, he needs you. Even when he acts like a jerk and you are sure it's not the mental issues, he's really the worst....don't give up. It IS the bipolar disorder, it's scary. It's frustrating. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep moving forward.

[sarahsweets]

No way should you wait 3 months. You need to either find another doctor or go to a crisis center or ER. That is a alot to ask of any spouse.