Shedding light

I thought about killing myself today. I brought out my bottle of pills that I’ve had set aside for months. I poured it out and sectioned them into groups. I’ve added the MLD a million times over and have come up with the perfect 5 step concoction. I had it set out in phases so that I wouldn’t throw up ot bleed out or feel pain. I knew exactly what I was doing.

And this morning I took the first dose right before work. I honestly figured there was no going back for me. And then at work I just got into a rhythm and forgot about dose #2. But I wasn’t too worried, it was a short shift and I figured I’d take the second one before driving home. But when I left work today I got a call from the siblings I never thought I’d be able to speak to again. And the call lasted just long enough to distract me from that dose.

Then when I got home I was met by this enormous amount of love from my dog. Which is fairly rare for her. She loves me but she’s a rough and tough type of dog. But not today. She let me take her out and took cute pics with me and gave me more than enough love to give me some hope.

This evening I had reached a point where I was supposed to be on dose #5 (keep in mind dose one had worn off by now and I hadn’t taken any others). I was supposed to be dead. But instead I decided to go work out. To change myself for the better.

Now my problems are still there. I’m still not happy with myself or where I’m at in life. I’m still depressed. I still struggle with mental illness. Not any of those things actually changed my life significantly or cured me in any way. However it’s the collection of all those little things that made me feel like maybe I could keep going for a little longer.

So the gist of this is that sometimes it’s not one thing that takes away the pain. Sometimes it’s not a person or that kind word or anything like that. Sometimes life just shows you a little glimpse of light that can mean the world to you. So if you’re in a dark place right now I hope you find that light. And if you needed a sign or that one extra thing to keep you hoping, maybe this is it.

Glad your day turned out the way it did.

Please stay safe and reach out for help before making specific plans.

Glad your dog was a lovable fellow. Maybe he felt you needed all that ?

When I’m not doing well my dog is literally attached to my hip.