[sadveiledbride]

This depression is really kicking my ***, and I'm tired of trying to Live. I won't hurt myself or anything, but it crosses my mind pretty damn frequently. Not passing at all. But I won't do anything. I'm willing myself not to. I'm tired of disappointing people -- and especially for things that aren't my fault... so what am I supposed to do, really?
I thought I'd feel better this summer but I really don't at all. My prescription is about to run out and I don't have a doctor yet. My meds don't really do much as is but it's just sort of nice to have them because it means I'm trying to make an effort. A family member of mine goes to doctors all the time and I don't. It's this ****in' comparison that's doing it to me. He gets to go to treatment and I'm left dragging my heels in the dirt. He's seen as suffering more than me.
I can't cry anymore. I feel this sadness overwhelming me. I wear it like a skin. It conceals me. I don't have peace, and I am in pain. I am suffering.
I look back on things in the past and really cringe. I wish I could erase parts of myself and my life. Maybe I should stop saying things like this, because maybe something might happen, and my life will be erased, and I'll be comatose. I don't want that to happen. I often worry that my thoughts and conflicting statements will actually happen and that things will be my fault.
I am sitting alone on this Sunday morning dreading this upcoming week. I wish my life weren't this way. I really should stop pitying myself. It is quite disgusting and I don't want to be antagonized.
I am curious as to why in all my suffering my issues are overlooked. I will never suffer "enough" for people to notice or care. That's how it seems, the way I'm being treated.

[fern46]

I can't offer much other than to say I care. You are worth just as much as me or any of us here. Thoughts like the ones you are having are a product of the depression that comes along with bipolar disorder. Our minds are powerful and trick us into believing things that we wouldn't think twice about otherwise. Try to remember that you aren't your depression. You are strong and you're fighting against it. That says a lot about who you are even if you cannot see it yourself right now. Try not to compare yourself too much to others. That is a rabbit hole with no end. Maybe take a few moments today to remind yourself of the positive things in your life. Brainstorm a list of what you have to be grateful for or maybe a list of things you've accomplished that you can be proud of. Nothing is too small. You've already reached out here and were honest about your feelings. That takes strength and you can be proud of that if nothing else.

I hope you are able to find a doc that can help more with meds and coping skills that can lighten your world a bit. Hang in there and I send well wishes and blessings for peace in your future.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am your friend, sadveiledbride, and I DO care about you! I completely agree with what fern46 has already wisely said better than I ever could. You are MORE than your Depression. You have value and you're a splendid human being! I've got to know you and I can safely affirm that without any doubts whatsoever. I hope that give you a little bit of relief. We're here for you. You can count on us. Please stay safe, my friend. You have much more to give to this world. Things CAN and WILL get better and I'm sure you know that as well even if it's hidden inside you. But you KNOW that and that's the most important thing. I hope you'll be able to see a good doctor soon and that you'll get the GREAT treatment that you need and deserve! Is there anything that's stopping you or your family from getting more appointments with your doctors compared to that family member? Feel free to share if you want. Perhaps we can offer you some advice. Please stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself, my friend. You deserve much, much better than what you're getting right now. Things will improve bust just try to focus on yourself and your own survival, ok? I'm REALLY HAPPY to have met you here and that you're my friend. You know I'll NEVER abandon you! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please feel free to reach out to me or to anyone of the kind posters here when you feel in need of advice, kindness, love, support, sweetness or simply someone to listen to you! YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU MATTER! PLEASE DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT! I hope things will get better soon for you one way or another, my friend! Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes if you want to! We ALL do care about you! THAT'S A PROMISE! Keep taking GREAT care of yourself! You deserve to get better and to feel good just as much as ANYONE ELSE! Keep taking care of yourself, my friend! We'll ALL be here for you! You can count on us, my friend! Wish you the best of luck in BOTH your healing and your life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and ALL the people who you love and who love you, sadveiledbride, my AWESOME, caring, dear, irreplaceable intelligent, kind, sensible, sweet, wise and WONDERFUL friend!

[Skeezyks]

I wish I had some answers to offer you here. But I can only send a bunch of hugs your way with the hope that, in some way, you will be able to find a path to abiding peace in your life...

[bizi]

I am sorry it is so hard right now for you.
Things will change and we have to be ready for them.

Things don't ever stay the same, we don't want to be stagnant.
Keep posting, keep sharing, keep on.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi