Family, Boundaries and Bipolar

my mother has been ignoring my texts and phone calls because I wouldn't rush to her aid while I was taking care of myself for a hernia and bad abdominal pain, all while having a slight mixed episode. I let her know what was going on and she never responded. It made me feel bad she didn't even care and I'm sorry she feels neglected but I have been bending over backwards every time she needs something especially medically related.

I guess I was overwhelmed by all her medical appts, which I was taking her too. But when I need to look after myself and can't drop what I'm doing, she acts like this. My Wife thinks she is being childish, ignorant and spiteful because I needed to take a break and look after myself and my family.

What also bugs me is that she doesn't really understand my diagnosis. She says things like: It's all in your head, I don't believe in all those meds, snap out of it, you need to get out more etc etc blah blah blah. anyone have family like this that drains you? I think I needed a break but she acts this way when I don't jump thru hoops for her. does anyone else set boundaries when family members get toxic for your mental health? she does emotional drive bys and is an energy vampire sometimes.

ok, just wanted to vent. thanks everyone for listening. hope you are all well.

I think I get how you feel...
Most of my family doesn't understand what bipolar is either, except for one sister. I've tried, but they don't get it. I don't even tell them my medical or mental health stuff any more, because they're not very open to things outside themselves.

yes, exactly! I don't have anyone outside of my wife and kids who even understands or wants to understand my bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. (I did recently disclose my condition to my bro in law and his wife and they were great). I think I should just keep it all to myself especially when others don't even want to try and be sympathetic to my mental health struggles. I think I'll be all the better for it. it is also quite against who I am deep down inside because I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.

Hi Jedi67,

I think I can relate, at least somewhat.

Does your mom live alone?

My mom has lived alone. For the past 8 years, we have been living together in a large home. As she ages, she needs more medical appointments. I enjoy helping her and truly do want to be "in on" her care. It's becoming increasingly difficult to attend to her needs in this way, as well as to attend to mine. Sometimes hers, alone, keep me exhausted and I cannot get my things done.

I have siblings; yet, only 2 live nearby. My brother has never helped with my mom and likely will never do so. My local sister works full-time and owns a very busy business. It is truly very difficult and/or impossible for her to help out. That leaves me. I am totally medically disabled. I have several disabling medical conditions and then the PTSD and BPII, etc., as well. I try my best. I can see where this is going to have to change some though. I just cannot keep up with it all... and take care of my own needs as well.

I do not get any support from my local siblings. Absolutely none. I am often criticized by them.
I do get support from a sister who lives in a different state. I deeply appreciate her support.

My mom does try to lend support. She does try to understand. I do not share my psychological/psychiatric info with anyone in my family, save one sister. The criticism would just get worse. There has always been a lot off jealousy among certain siblings and they have carried it over into our adult lives, unfortunately.

My mom can, sometimes, be a handful. I find she has an increasingly difficult time recalling what doctors have/have not said to her, etc.
She also tires very hard to use a computer, to have email, to contact her friends and doctors online, etc. She also still uses a cell phone in a very basic way; yet, still does it! She needs a lot of help with electronics of all types and can/does get herself into a lot of trouble by messing with things she does not understand. It often takes me hours to fix things she has messed with at times.

While she does do a lot on her own, she needs assistance with more and more. The trouble is: so do I. I am recently separated from my H. We used to do a lot together, including tasks, transportation, cooking, errands outside of the house, etc. So there is an even bigger burden right now. I have just found a handyman to help with a few things. I am also looking for other types of help.

Setting boundaries? Yes! Have to! I have been setting more/different boundaries with my mom and with others. With my mom, I am setting up "office hours." She can bring her many questions, her mail, her medical info., etc. to me on a given day(s), between the hours of 9-12n. We will make calls then, etc. If she has anything urgent, I am right here for her, of course. If I do not set up a time/day in order to go over all of her "stuff," I find I am going over it for at least 4 hours almost every day.
There is not enough to keep one busy for all of those hours/days; yet, she forgets to write notes, forgets to files things, etc, necessitating we deal with the same items over and over again. So I am working with her on her attention span and am trying to keep things done in a manner which is helpful to her; yet,make it all is as efficient as we can make it for both of us.

It sounds like you have a wife and family to attend to, in addition to attending to your own needs. It is wonderful that you care about your mom, of course.
Yet, you DO need to attend to your needs and to your family's needs.

Is there anyone else available to help your mom?
Family, friends, neighbors, church friends, friends from social groups, other?

Is there a way to give your mom some attention without letting her take over your life?
I have found it helpful to think about what my mom can and cannot do realistically. Sometimes people want us to do more for them or more with them than they truly NEED. While it is "nice" to be there for them as much as we can, we can identify the events/activities when they absolutely do need our assistance/company.
For example: I might attend medical appointments with her when she is seeing a specialist and/or the medical issue is more complicated. I might skip an appointment with her primary care doc, where she will be getting med refills, vaccinations, etc.

I strongly encourage her to keep up her friendships and to attend as many community events with them as possible. She loves this and has become the neighborhood social director. YES! This means that I have time to use however I wish. It is a win-win. She is also very active in the area senior center and has become one of the "leaders" of that social group. I just have to be careful that I am not sitting at home doing her accounting while she is out partying.

For our retired parents, especially those living alone, it is important to encourage them to attend social activities, including senior centers, day programs, etc. Not only is it healthy for them, (they will likely find some support, some friends, etc.), it gives us some freedoms without feeling guilty.

I, personally, have given up on ever expecting my siblings (save my very understanding sister)to understand, or to even be interested in my medical/psych challenges. They just cannot reach/think outside of themselves and may never be able to do so. I have come to terms with this fact.

I have also fully realize, that at this point and time, my siblings are not available to help with our mother. Once I'd accepted this, it helped me to move forward in securing some options that might fit her needs, as well as mine. I have found it is too easy, and so not helpful, to stay stuck in the place of trying to get others to take an interest and/or to pitch in. That is a huge mud hole that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Assess needs, learn about options, be creative, work toward getting everyone's needs met as efficiently as possible. Oh... and... enlist any help that is available.

Ultimately, your mom, unless she has been ruled incompetent and/or is somehow totally medically disabled and cannot help herself, is responsible for herself. It is okay to gently remind her of this. Oh... she might also look at the Council on Aging in her city/town/county/state.

Do set limits! It is healthier for everyone! Teach your mom to appreciate anything you can do for/with her.

I feel like I wrote too much. I will leave it. It might help someone. Besides that, I need to go and get dinner.

I love having you back around!
My Best to You and to Yours!

P.S.: I also make some trade-offs with her. If I am working on "untangling/unmangling" her computer, for instance, and it is dinner time, then I ask her to cook dinner while I am working on her "stuff." You might be able to work out a "trade" of some sort with your mom?

LOL! My mom used to give me her "stuff" she could not fix/do and then would take off to go meet friends or to do something much more pleasant. I now have told her that I will not work on her "stuff" if she is not here to learn how to do it for herself and/or here to be doing something else that needs to be done in the house.

Thank you so much for sharing, Wild Coyote! Sounds like we are kind of in the same boat. My mother does not attend church functions like she used to and her only social life is 2 friends who visit her occasionally. I'm not sure of anything else that she does. She does take care of my 96 yr old Gma, who I also had to help out frequently with. Me or one of my kids would have to either sit with her or I would have to bring her to my house to sit with her. Recently, I do not know if she has been calling on other people to help her but I know she has not communicated with me at all. Out of spite, she is also ignoring my children and she never called or texted my son for his BDay. They didn't even do anything to her. she also changed her MyChart log in so we could no longer seen her patient medical info. I'm so done. Going to take care of who and what matters to me most. Me and my family. I can't deal with this now and my mental health comes first. I appreciate you sharing and the kind words! Hope you are well!

@Jedi67: It sucks when our loved ones can return our love in kind, and when they do not understand mental health issues. However, no disrespect meant but for her to cut out her grandchildren is mean and vindictive. Do you want someone like that to have a close relationship with your kids? Have you ever confronted her recently like "mom I had hernia surgery!!" What would happen if you waited her out?

Hi sarahsweets! I did let her know through texts that I was having my own health issues especially with my high fever and hernia pain. she never responded and as far as my kids, there is no question she loves them but it isn't fair for her to ignore them just because she is upset with me. she ignores them then guilt trips them later that they don't reach out to her when it's her behaviors that causes them to do that.

she does this every so often anyway. I'm so tired of it. my kids are adults now, so I leave it up to them to decide how they want to deal with her. I've texted her 3 times and I've called and left 2 messages and nothing. I will call her and my Gmother for their BDays but I'm not expecting anything. just doing my part and you gave me a good idea and I think I will wait her out. after some time passes she will need something and will have no choice but to contact me.

thanks for reaching out, sarahsweets! much appreciated. hope you're well.

Family and mental illness. Not a good combination, at least not in my experience. I am pretty sure that family members who seem not to understand our mental illness are afraid of facing their own mental health issues. Personally, I'm sorry that I ever told any family members about my bipolar disorder, because they have so used it against me - especially the ones who obviously need help with their own state of mental (not) health.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

I have only told one sibling because I know others would misuse the info.
It is sad that we cannot openly share without expecting some negative repercussions.