Forgive me if this isn't the area for this type of post. Along with this being a long read. No idea if it will be a trigger for anyone to read, so please forgive me if it is? Yet, I dont know what to do from here, where to turn – have no one to turn/ talk to, so here I am turning to this site. Honestly, this is a two part post, one being a question, while the other half will be why im actually posting this.

The question is - is there anyone out there who has borderline personality disorder, bipolar 1 (with rapid cycling), c-ptsd, dissociate disorder, agoraphobia, and social anxiety yet is able to make life work for them?

I do not take any medication (chose a natural alternative), as well as I am not seeking any professional help at this time. I've been asked that repeatedly over the years, or any time I post anything like this online, so I thought I'd just get that out of the way here..... I seem to be the one who altogether falls through the cracks of the system, as medications, that or paying someone to listen to me and my problems has been of no use, as Ive been in and out of therapy for 27 years. Nothing down that route has helped yet.

Aside from that, however, the main reason Im posting this is bc, when it rains, it seems as if it's more of a natural disaster of epic proportions anymore.... . I say that bc the other day, I got hit with my gf being in a bad mood, yet wanted to spend time together, yet, continuously took her bad mood out on me. I did my best to push my own problems aside and be there for her, yet towards the end, I could tell my patients was wearing thin. I bit my tongue and pushed on though.....

The next day, however, when I got to my work my cousin (a fellow employee) bites my head off. All bc she can't do something in which was fairly simple. Yet chooses to take her frustration out on me, as I stood there dumbfounded, wondering, wth just happened here? Given the day before, however, along with current events (my cousin biting my head off) ended up triggered me. I still had a job to do, however...... And that I did, painstakingly I might add

Pushed through the night (I work nights), yet between those 2 days, with everything else that happened, I had lost it. Ended up at my gf's place having a break down. Stood there violently shaking/ bawling my eyes out. Got to the point (twice) I nearly puked, I was so upset. Yet my gf was more concerned about sleeping then what was going on with me.

I attempted getting up a couple times to leave, yet each time I did my gf would get all upset and start cussing... That and saying, as she was falling back to sleep, that she didnt know what to do or say at that moment. So there I stood, by myself, violently shaking and crying. Later that day, however, she texts me saying she wanted me to pick her up after I got off work that night bcuz she felt/ thought I shouldn't be alone in the state of mind I was in..... And honestly, I couldn't argue with that.

However, work came and gone, with her not answering her phone/ texts, as I went home to be just that, alone. And here I sat, drowning, in this depression (the same depression from a year ago, which I ended up losing 60 lb's from being unable to bring myself to eat during the 10 months I was silently suffering)....

Im trying to get into photography, or I should say learn photography in the hopes of getting out of the line of work im trapped in. Yet how can I do that when every time I turn around good enough to pick myself from up off the floor, there is someone/ thing new right around the next corner to knock me right back on my rear (getting triggered, succumbing to depression, etc. etc.)

Today being a new day, however, I wake to my gf being in, yet, another bad mood, along with my dad being pissed off at me bcuz I cannot watch their dogs while they go on vacation. With him popping off with what all he said, which again, ended up triggering me. I quite literally woke up to all this today, didnt even have a chance to wipe the sleep from my eyes before all heck broke loose.

Apologies for writing all this here though. I really have no one to turn to, or talk to about any of this..... Well, except these dark (lightless) four walls in which Im surrounded by..... So forgive me for rambling on so please? Not easy dealing with a world falling apart around me, trying to keep it altogether/ bottled up inside. :'-(

[MickeyCheeky]

I hear you, @KasperBlue! I'm so sorry for what you're going through! If you want to know my opinion, it seems like your girlriends and your family aren't being much supportive of you. In fact I'd say that they're playing a significant part in why you may feel so bad. They're constantly bringing you down, are always in a bad mood when around you, won't support you and they almost don't seem to care. I am DEEPLY SORRY that you have to deal with them. Depression is hard by itself but it get even harder when other people are treating us badly - ESPECIALLY when they're the ones who should be the closest to us! My suggestion would be to get away from them if possible. Do you live with them? If you do, I'd suggest to start saving some money and perhaps try to look for a place to move in. It doesn't have to be an expensive place. If you're living by yourself, I'd suggest to limit coontacts and communications with them as much as you possibly can. It seems clear to me that these relationships are hurting you more than anything else... also, you may want to reconsider your relationship with your current girlfriend. What are you actually gaining by staying with her at the moment? A relationship should be mutually beneficial for BOTH of you! Is it? I'd suggest to consider this and either talk things through with her and make her understand that it can't go on like this and try to work with her to improve the relationship or just end the relationship altogether. The more time you'll spend with toxic people, the less time you'll be able to spend with people who may actually CARE about you. Is there anyone IRL that you feel like may actually care about you? I'd suggest to try to make some new friends. Do you have any hobbies? You can start from there and join some clubs. There are also some websites that allow you to meet other people in your city or near it. Give it a try! You'll have to fight the loneliness in the beginning but don't let that discourage you from pursuing a better Life! We're here for you. You'll NEVER be alone here. THAT'S A PROMISE! Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you wish to talk. I'm here if you want Advice and Support. Please DO keep fighting as you're much, much stronger than you believe you are! YOU KNOW THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE! KEEP FIGHTING, MY AWESOME, DEAR, KIND, SWEET FRIEND! Sending many safe, warm hugs to YOU, @KasperBlue, Your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!