[Ihopethat]

Trigger warning sexual violence and psychotic symptoms

Almost 2 years ago I had sexually violent psychotic symptoms over the course of 2 days. I dont know what kind of hallucination it was but

Possible trigger:

I felt like someone was touching my genitals. Occassionaly I felt like someone was forcing their penis in my mouth. I would fold my legs tightly and cover my mouth but there was nothing I could do. At the same time I had an auditory hallucination of a man groaning and grunting and laughing.

I am on medication, and nothing like that has happened since. I am trying neurofeedback for the memories of this that has haunted me, but I have only had two sessions.

Imidiately after the trauma,

Possible trigger:

I felt like self harming my genetailia. I wanted to cut it all off so Id never feel anything again. I dont feel that way anymore, but recently Ive felt urges to self harm my tongue.

Sometimes I get uncomfortable when people touch me, like when they pat my back or try to hug me. When I lay down, I need to have my waist covered with a blanket. Once in a while the memories will come back and I just lay in bed all day wrapped in a blanket like a burrito even though its hot.

I am a young adult, and I have never had sex, but I would like to. I have no clue what to do about this trauma though. I'm worried of getting into a situation that would trigger me, or freak out the person I'm with by them doing something that would unintentionally trigger me. I want to move on from this trauma but I dont know how. Ive tried talking to friends about what happened. One person asked "are you sure you werent just being horny?" And the other person didn't take me seriously because it wasn't rape. Which it wasn't, which makes me feel like I can't relate to people who have been raped. I don't know how to move on, and I don't know who to go to about this because I feel like its an obscure trauma that doesn't happen to a lot of people. Any advice is appreciated.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm afraid I don't have much advice. Are you getting therapy besides the neurofeedback? I don't know anything about that really but it sounds like talk therapy would be very beneficial for you. A therapist who works with trauma might really benefit you.

Welcome to PC. Hopefully bumping this will get you some more responses from people with more ideas than I have.

I agree with BeyondtheRainbow that a very good therapist may be able to help you. It sounds like it's had some trauma effect on you. I guess it's possible that such type of psychosis could come out of nowhere, but then maybe it had some source? I'm not implying that such a thing happened to you in real life (that's not for me to know), but sometimes other things maybe happened earlier in life that such a psychosis could have been a scary analogy of. I don't know. Just thoughts.

I do want to tell you that I developed certain specific phobias, and even agoraphobia, after a particularly traumatic period of severe episodes (with psychosis). I'll also say that, with the help of a very good psychologist, I got past them. You can get past your current challenges, too.

[Wild Coyote]

HI!
Welcome to the PC Bipolar forum.

I am sorry for all you go through. Do you see a trauma therapist?

You might or might not get more responses at the PTSD forum. If responses fall short here, you might want to consider copying and pasting your initial post in a trauma-related forum?

I do hope you are seeing a therapist trained specifically in trauma. Sometimes, it is not possible. I hope you are involved with a therapist who understands and who supports you well.

I hope you can find a place of deep inner peace. I remain hopeful for your healing