Bipolar check in #39

I made it to the grocery store for the third time this week! That's after not going AT ALL for about seven weeks or more. I'm just thrilled that i am able to take good care of myself again! Clam chowder was on sale and i got ten (10) cans! Happy Saturday Night everyone!

The time will change in the US soon. Fall back. Don't forget!

I changed my avatar photo. I have not and will never forget my sweet birdies, but I thought I'd emphasize the "Dancer" for a while after showing my "Bird". The photo is of me when I was 15 years old. That was likely only months before my very first major bipolar episode. I remember that day very well. I arrived for the photo session only to find that I had forgotten my toe shoes (pointe shoes). The ones I'm wearing in the picture were borrowed from a friend. They were Capezios, while I always wore Freed of London. I remember that my mother used to order them for me from their workshop in Philadelphia. With Freed's you could select a specific craftsman's toe shoes. That helped find the best ones for the dancer's feet. I still have one dirty old pair from maybe 28 to 30 years ago.

The other day, I wrote a rather intense post for my blog. I hadn't written much of consequence for quite a while. Then this evening, I received an email from one of my former therapists. She is a most lovely dear lady that I only stopped seeing because she moved so far from my home. She has followed my blog and is apparently concerned after reading my post. She implored me to let her know what is happening. I will, and yet I feel a bit ill at ease about doing so. The reason is because I had developed a strong transference reaction to her. To cut to the chase, she reminded me so much of my beloved mother. She even looks like my mother to a degree. Her voice, her face, her hair, her smile, her loving nature. She used to even grab me into hugs that were so much like my mother's. In the end, as sad as it was to quit her, it was for the best given the transference.

The unease stems from the fact that the blog post in question was about my father and my feeling that his love for me is dead (or dying) because of his illness. Then suddenly a "mother-like" figure contacts me? Though this psychologist is alive, my mother has been gone for almost 15 years. Oddly, almost the same number of years I was alive in my new avatar photo.

Just beautiful!!!
Thanks so much for sharing!
Much Love

Had a weird day. Really euphoric, racing thoughts that feel like they'll fly out of my head, lack of sleep, irritability, coming up with idea after idea for projects and things I want to do, pacing, taking lots of walks and pretty much never sitting down doing stuff around the house all day from 7am till tonight and talking a lot. I ended up having to take one of my prn Klonopin because it was escalating fast. I feel relaxed now, but not tired enough to sleep. I just hope this doesn't continue into an episode. I guess I'll keep an eye on things. I see my doctor on the 11th

looking forward to the report.
bizi

@BirdDancer

Thank you for sharing your story.
Will you be having an appointment with your old therapist?
What is your blog?
bizi

I have been on line for hours......
Went into the bathroom...I FORGOT MY MEDS after lunch.
sigh
This explains my obsessive compulsive behavior.
Now to take my night meds.
geesh!....can't remember when that has happened.
not good.
bizi

I spent the day sleeping away my anxiety. I know that's bad but I don't even know how to explain it. I have to wait about 2.5 years to find out if my fears are accurate. So I just have to move on and put it out of my mind.

Hope she’s okay , you have so much on your plate.

I hope you are sound a sleep

Oh my god I am so overjoyed for you you so needed it !!!

Oh no the joys of owning a vehicle. I’m sorry this is happening !

Thanks so much !!!!! It really was a nice night

I hope your currently sound asleep !

Much love !

I feel good about today because I got a few things done today instead of lying in bed in front of the television. I did a bit of cleaning and got my laundry done. I also cooked lunch for me and my folks and washed dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I hope you all had a great Saturday !

I’m sorry

I would have been so frustrated !!! I hope tomorrow is a calm day, you sure deserve one.

What happens in 2.5 years ? You don’t have to answer that of course, sorry anxiety is a problem.

What happens in 2.5 years ? Finances may change drastically for the worse or it's fine and there's no way to know which it will be.

So the party was actually a lot of fun, was 6 other couples. A couple I had already met. We played a game with dice and quarters I had never heard of before ... I won the pot twice and steve did once lol

Lots of beverages to try but I’m just not a drinker at all, but I did try a musgadine homemade wine and I really enjoyed the 1/4 cup at most I poured.. I did NOT try the moonshine LOL been there done that decades ago!

Felt nice to get out around some really down to earth people.

I think Brent is coming over tomorrow with his back ho and continue to dig our pond deeper.. we have a natural spring just haven’t ever been able to dig down deep enough to hit it yet.

All and all one of the better days I’ve had in a while.

I’m glad you had a nice time ~Christina!

Thanks, @bizi No, I will not be returning to that therapist. She now works far from my home. She moved a while back. I haven't seen her for a couple years. Her contact with me is clearly just because she cares. I mentioned my transference. She may have some countertransference, I suppose, or is just among the most loving type of people I have ever met.

My blog is at Bird Flight

Yesterday was a day spent resting. I had a mild fever and barely drank throughout the day, and everything hurt.

The feeling I had before where I felt that I would black out reduced enough for me to be able to stand for a few minutes. I’m seeing my doctor on Monday anyway and will see what he says about my symptoms, even if they pass by then.

I don’t think I’ll physically go in to work on Monday. Things there are so busy that I just end up sitting at my desk for the day anyway, but the plus side is that I don’t have the hour-long commute.

Mood-wise it has been 8 days since my last bad day, which is about average. I’m still enjoying music more than I was before and my thoughts are more future-directed than they were before. My thoughts aren’t happy ones but they’re less negative than they were about a month ago. I think that’s happening because I found something that makes me feel good while I’m doing it and I have been doing it more often. It’s not something I can do long-term but it works for now (no money is involved, but it uses a lot of time).