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fern46
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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:05 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
Rough couple of days. Lay down early the other morning to try to slow down, waiting for my pdoc to get into office and the voices started up again. Haven't heard them in awhile, so it was alarming. I'm paranoid and sort of low-grade psychotic a lot of the time, unfortunately, but this just didn't help. All my threat stuff started going and pretty soon, I was convinced the FBI was in my hallway, ready to kick in my door. Don't know what exactly that would be for, as I am a law-abiding person.

Anyway, no-one kicked in any doors and I talked to my doc and I am now on Abilify again, unfortunately. We stopped it before because I had some serious neuro side effects to it. But the doc basically considered this an emergency. Trying to keep me out of the hospital, where I have spent so much time over the last ten years that I am sure it is some kind of record. All for not going to the hospital, esp. since I am currently uninsured and have over a million dollars in psych hospital bills I currently cannot pay. Can't worry about that now. Just have to try to get better.

The other thing pdoc did was add some emergency sleep help, which for me was 400 mg of Seroquel. Don't like that drug, but nothing else will put me to sleep right now. So, I took it and I slept for 8 hours and woke up with the voices gone. So, that's good. We'll see where this all goes. Thanks to every body for your support. I really, really appreciate it.
I'm happy to hear from you. I was concerned. I am glad your pdoc could help. I really hope the med adjustments work long enough to bring you out of this.
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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:06 PM
  #22
So, our power was shut off for a while due to high winds. Yesterday afternoon it was turned back on, but I've gotten a warning from the National Weather Service that we're going to have another red flag warning Saturday night through Monday midday. This means the electricity will likely be shut off to bracket the period of the wind storm. Thus I am here for a bit, but will be absent Sunday and Monday. Hopefully they'll have the power turned back on by Tuesday morning.

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:20 PM
  #23
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Thanks nammu!


I have a bad feeling about my new job. I can’t describe it; it’s just a feeling that it will be too overwhelming. This is possibly because teaching was so overwhelming. I will be a one to one aide for a student with behavioral problems. That’s usually not good. That means the kid is out of control so bad they need one person to hang out with them to calm them down or something like that. I’m also not getting paid too much more than I am at my current job. But I definitely don’t want to deal with the kid from my current job if he comes back. I can’t handle his level of autism. I know how to handle BD students; I don’t know how to handle violent, self injurious autistic students. So I’d rather have the BD student.


Sigh...I’m just worried about employment in general. I’ve attempted so many times and failed. But I can’t go on disability. That would be even less than I make now and I’d just sleep all day.


I think I can do this. I really do. I just have to have a positive attitude and counter my negative thoughts. That’s what my t would tell me to do.


I haven’t gone to work in two days bc my son’s been sick. He’s got an ear infection and a cold. He didn’t really have to stay home today but he said his stomach was upset and he has vomited in the past from post Nasal drip. So I kept him home. He’s fine now though. Should have just chanced it and sent him to school so I could go to work. Oh well.


Had nightmares all last night


Tomorrow is my mom 60th birthday party. I am still waiting for my brother to back out. So far he hasn’t but I don’t trust him. That would make my mom feel terrible and I would certainly have to say something to him then. I wouldn’t be able to contain my anger.


Hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!


It’s probably just new job jitters along with just self doubt because teaching a full class was just too overwhelming. Yes I’m sure that is what your T would advise. You have great insight so your already steps ahead

You can handle it I have total faith in you !!!

Do you have any plans for the weekend??? I hope your son feels better and hasn’t shared the germs to you and RS

Hopefully your brother shows up!

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:23 PM
  #24
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I saw my case manager at pdoc's office this morning. She said I can apply for foodstamps WITHOUT n2 so I'd qualify! I will do that soon! If I can get n3 to apply too that would be great! We also talked about Alanon meetings I can try. Im a bit hesitant to jump into that- I tried years ago before I had kids and didnt like it much. But, times change and people change so Im going to give it another go all these years later.


@~Christina Now you've lost you're voice? Ugh! Not being able to talk sucks. You don't realize how much you talk in a day until you can't.


I'm sitting at the book store not even reading. I should really get gas and buy a few groceries and laundry soap.


And I aught to eat. I've only had a McDonald's coffee and some chocolate covered coffee beans so far today and its 5-to-noon already! I should go home and make a smoothy.


Ahhhhhhj fantastic news about Food stamps or well they call it EBT now, I think ... that is going to ease a ton of stress off of you !!! I’m so happy for you

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:36 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
Yesterday, I got to my psychiatrist’s office 10 minutes early. I sat in the parking lot with the music on. The sun was starting to go down a bit. I happened to look in my rear-view mirror and what did I see? "I Myname" written on the dirty rear windshield. I knew my husband wrote it there. I also figured it was a sign that maybe it's time to get into the ole’ car wash line. Or maybe not! I'd be really sad to see that message gone.


Of course, I talked about my dad during my psychiatrist session. I think my pdoc knows my dad better than any of my dad's past doctors combined. He even suggested something for my siblings and me to talk to the hospital doctors about. He said they now have an injectable Naltrexone that lasts a month. It helps curb alcoholics cravings. I had taken the pill form in the past, but found it less effective than the med acamprosate, that pdoc also mentioned. But apparently the new injectable Naltrexone has proven efficacy. It may not stop dad's drinking, but maybe at least cut it down.


It came up that I wish I could coerce my dad to finally go to a psychiatrist. I doubt I'll succeed (I’m deluding myself), but I asked him if he thought Dr. X would be good. To my surprise, he said that he would be willing to accept him. Of course, I think he's the best doc, but believed such an arrangement wasn't recommended. But pdoc said that in this case, it could be advantageous since he has so much information already (though just my side of the story). I’m still not sure, though. Plus, my dad likes to tell doctors what HE wants them to know, which is usually misleading or even downright lies. Anyway, I believe Dad would otherwise like him, but if pdoc ever suggested to him that he had bipolar disorder, that would likely be the end of visits. Note that pdoc would never pre-diagnose him based on just my stories.


My husband has done that to my car and yes I wanted to leave it too. But eventually it had to go lol

The med sounds promising, I honestly don’t know much about it ... does it make someone sick if they drink on it ?? Or just curb there wanting it ???

Your Father seeing your Pdoc? I do think if anyone might be able to help him it would be your Pdoc because he knows so much already about him. But would you be comfortable?? What if your Dad shared things about you ? From childhood or maybe current things. Basically will you start wondering if he’s talking about You to Your Pdoc ??

My T saw my husband twice when I first was diagnosed and our marriage was pretty much over. At the end of the second session Richard told him that he wasn’t able to help him as I was his first concern and offered him another T to see..

If it were me I’d think pretty deep about this

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:39 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I'm having one of those days where I'm just not really getting out of bed. Had to force myself to shower. I'm not depressed or anything, just tired I guess. Not in the mood to do much of anything. I'm going to a free community brunch tomorrow, so that will be nice.


Its okay to give yourself a day here and there to just “ be”

Brunch sounds lovely

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:53 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
fern and Wild Coyote, I very much appreciate both of your thoughts about potential "sharing" of a psychiatrist. Wild Coyote, you're quite kind to share all of the stories, which I'm sure bring you some pain, as well.


As I wrote, I am kind of reluctant to share my psychiatrist and was taken off guard when he suggested himself. That's why I proposed Dr. X as an option. However, I'm going to add another element to this by mentioning that Dr. X is my husband's psychiatrist! I felt/feel that there is enough distance between Dad and my husband that it wouldn't be that big of a deal for them to share. My husband only really sees his pdoc once every three months, and mostly to just get refills on his ADD and depression meds. And hubby is a very low controversy type of a guy, and very believable. He also has little "therapy time" with his pdoc (more med check), though Dr. X does offer therapy, too. At least I know hubby's pdoc enough to know that he, like my pdoc, has experience with addictions treatment, as well as mood disorders. Both my husband's and my pdoc were IOP pdoc's at the local IOP for years and hospital pdoc's as well. They now just have their private practices. I have once met my husband's pdoc and that pdoc knows I have bipolar disorder. The extent of that pdoc's interest in me is to simply ask hubby if I'm doing well (likely to know hubby's stress). He, like my pdoc, is an older man and very likable. I think my dad would like Dr. X, too. He's more my dad's type than mine would be. Plus, I think my pdoc would potentially have a leaning towards me. I have known my pdoc for almost 13 years.


Wild Coyote, out of curiosity, do you agree Dr. X might not be so problematic? I don't see my husband's pdoc as getting involved with any drama. My husband hasn't really been that depressed in years. I think he mostly just chats with his pdoc, whereas I do have much more significant conversations with my doctor, though I also have a therapist.


As a shocking aside, the last pdoc my dad had set him up on a blind date with one of his female patients. Can you believe that?!?


Ohhh okay I think I misunderstood and thought YOUR Pdoc would see your Dad. .. Doh !

So him seeing your husbands Pdoc might be okay.

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:54 PM
  #28
Thanks for the positive comments, everyone!

Yes, it’s lithium I am on, 450 mg/day.

It was very bizarre; about 45 min to an hour after taking the first pill, my thoughts slowed down, and I could actually think about 1 thing at a time, prioritize my thinking, and not have 20 thoughts or fragments of thoughts in my head. Took time to build up to a more constant level, but I only started lithium October 3.

I will see the pdoc again on Halloween.

Feeling content, genuine happiness and love really is awesome! . I have been searching for the med cocktail for me over 20 years, minus my pregnancy, over 10 years since I got the bipolar diagnosis. (Though I hope to reduce some meds with the pdoc’s help in the future.).

Don’t give up hope

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:56 PM
  #29
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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow View Post
I thought I was less tired today. Then I walked down the driveway to get the mail and I thought I was going to have to take a nap to get back home. My mom is away and we have a sick dog so I'm hanging out at her house to let the dog in and out. I napped until 1:45 after being up for a while in the morning but I can't get enough sleep. It's like I'm depressed but I don't feel depressed, just extremely tired. I'm also really cold which happens when I'm very tired.


I hope this ends soon. I cancelled my therapy appointment for yesterday because I was too tired to drive up and back.Monday I really need to go. I want to go to church Sunday but will have to decide later. I'm trying to not borrow trouble but I'm frustrated I can't do what I want to do.


Now I"m going to wrap up in a quilt.


Maybe after effects from your anesthesia?? Sees awful long tho. But... you have been feeling so sick for so long maybe your body is just demanding what it really needs and that’s sleep and lots of just good rest. ?!!

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 05:58 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
Rough couple of days. Lay down early the other morning to try to slow down, waiting for my pdoc to get into office and the voices started up again. Haven't heard them in awhile, so it was alarming. I'm paranoid and sort of low-grade psychotic a lot of the time, unfortunately, but this just didn't help. All my threat stuff started going and pretty soon, I was convinced the FBI was in my hallway, ready to kick in my door. Don't know what exactly that would be for, as I am a law-abiding person.


Anyway, no-one kicked in any doors and I talked to my doc and I am now on Abilify again, unfortunately. We stopped it before because I had some serious neuro side effects to it. But the doc basically considered this an emergency. Trying to keep me out of the hospital, where I have spent so much time over the last ten years that I am sure it is some kind of record. All for not going to the hospital, esp. since I am currently uninsured and have over a million dollars in psych hospital bills I currently cannot pay. Can't worry about that now. Just have to try to get better.


The other thing pdoc did was add some emergency sleep help, which for me was 400 mg of Seroquel. Don't like that drug, but nothing else will put me to sleep right now. So, I took it and I slept for 8 hours and woke up with the voices gone. So, that's good. We'll see where this all goes. Thanks to every body for your support. I really, really appreciate it.


It’s good that your being proactive !!! Hopefully adding Abilify and Seroquil for right now stomps this out and you won’t need fulltime.

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 06:00 PM
  #31
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Originally Posted by Daonnachd View Post
So, our power was shut off for a while due to high winds. Yesterday afternoon it was turned back on, but I've gotten a warning from the National Weather Service that we're going to have another red flag warning Saturday night through Monday midday. This means the electricity will likely be shut off to bracket the period of the wind storm. Thus I am here for a bit, but will be absent Sunday and Monday. Hopefully they'll have the power turned back on by Tuesday morning.


Oh goodness ! I hope the winds die down. I can’t imagine living with the threat of fires.

Stay safe

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 06:04 PM
  #32
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Maybe after effects from your anesthesia?? Sees awful long tho. But... you have been feeling so sick for so long maybe your body is just demanding what it really needs and that’s sleep and lots of just good rest. ?!!
Yeah, I'm blaming the anesthesia. It says it can last for a while and that's before it's combined with clozapine. I'm normally tired so I guess this just doubled it. Plus as you mentioned, my body doesn't have much reserve right now after the months of sickness.

I did manage to walk the dogs up and down the driveway a few times (it is fairly long). I was actually willing to go once more but they wanted in so we stopped. I was tired but it felt good to move around some. That's an improvement; Wednesday I had to climb and descend these really steep and long steps at my nieces' school and I barely made it. I backed up traffic I was so slow.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring some more energy.

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 06:20 PM
  #33
Well Steve’s Son and girlfriend can’t make it. All flights to Nashville are all way over booked. He could use a jump seat since he’s an employee of American Airlines , but his girlfriend could not. My husband is so bummed

But we just have a full weekend of snotty rain. They wanted to head to downtown Nashville and nobody wants to hang out down there in the rain. So another weekend would be better anyway.

My whole body is being a total Bytch !

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Heart Oct 25, 2019 at 06:53 PM
  #34
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fern and Wild Coyote, I very much appreciate both of your thoughts about potential "sharing" of a psychiatrist. Wild Coyote, you're quite kind to share all of the stories, which I'm sure bring you some pain, as well.

As I wrote, I am kind of reluctant to share my psychiatrist and was taken off guard when he suggested himself. That's why I proposed Dr. X as an option. However, I'm going to add another element to this by mentioning that Dr. X is my husband's psychiatrist! I felt/feel that there is enough distance between Dad and my husband that it wouldn't be that big of a deal for them to share. My husband only really sees his pdoc once every three months, and mostly to just get refills on his ADD and depression meds. And hubby is a very low controversy type of a guy, and very believable. He also has little "therapy time" with his pdoc (more med check), though Dr. X does offer therapy, too. At least I know hubby's pdoc enough to know that he, like my pdoc, has experience with addictions treatment, as well as mood disorders. Both my husband's and my pdoc were IOP pdoc's at the local IOP for years and hospital pdoc's as well. They now just have their private practices. I have once met my husband's pdoc and that pdoc knows I have bipolar disorder. The extent of that pdoc's interest in me is to simply ask hubby if I'm doing well (likely to know hubby's stress). He, like my pdoc, is an older man and very likable. I think my dad would like Dr. X, too. He's more my dad's type than mine would be. Plus, I think my pdoc would potentially have a leaning towards me. I have known my pdoc for almost 13 years.

Wild Coyote, out of curiosity, do you agree Dr. X might not be so problematic? I don't see my husband's pdoc as getting involved with any drama. My husband hasn't really been that depressed in years. I think he mostly just chats with his pdoc, whereas I do have much more significant conversations with my doctor, though I also have a therapist.

As a shocking aside, the last pdoc my dad had set him up on a blind date with one of his female patients. Can you believe that?!?
Hi!

I can see you are giving this situation due consideration. It is best to try to troubleshoot this before leaping.

Yes, the situations I had cited were very difficult; however, I am very happy to share with you. I want to try to help in any way I can help.

It sounds like your H's Pdoc would be the better choice, between your pdoc and H's pdoc. He is further removed from you.

I know we tend to think our pdocs won't get into drama. That's not really the biggest concern. Someone with a different agenda, someone who has some interpersonal issues, someone who can/does create chaos in families and/or in social groups, someone who manipulates, will do the same or worse when involved with one of our pdocs/therapists.

My pdocs were not the type to get involved in drama, and that is a part of why I was willing to take the chance, over and over. The person causing drama was so good at it, chaos in the clinic ensued anyway.

I think the very first choice is to find your dad a pdoc/therapist who is not involved with anyone in the family. I am sorry if I have missed this, why is it that your dad's pdoc/therapist might be someone connected to your family?
Are there other professionals trained in dual diagnosis?
Is there a shortage of pdocs/therapists in your area?

If your dad having a totally separate pdoc/therapist is not possible, then out of the two, your pdoc or your H's pdoc, it is less risky if your dad connects with your H's pdoc.

It is critical, for your own healing, that you always protect your relationships with your pdoc and your therapist. This healing space is very important. From my stories you can tell it took some time for me to fully understand the importance in doing so. I was more interested in helping others at the time and clearly did not protect myself and my healing space(s). I can see now that I was not properly protecting myself and the more "sacred" nature of these healing relationships/spaces. I no longer put these relationships at risk.

This is a very difficult decision. We all want to help our loved ones as best we can. Just a word of caution, offering our pdocs/therapists may not be the wisest, nor truly the best, for all parties involved.

I am thinking of you, BirdDancer, as you consider the best course for you and for your dad.

Much Love to You!

P.S. The pdoc who set his patient, your dad, up on a blind date deserves to be reported to at least a couple of regulating agencies.

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 07:30 PM
  #35
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I just got a little spooked. A woman representing a different division of the company I used to work for sent me a recruitment email for a job. I don't know why/how they got my email address. Internally or somehow from a LinkedIn account that I thought I deleted, but isn't? I'm going to ignore it. It's triggering.


That’s very weird ! Yes ignore is good

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 07:31 PM
  #36
N3 and his gf left saying they were going to a festival of lights downtown. It was nearly dark when they left. Now n3's computer keeps making random noises so I called him to ask why and if I could shut it off but he didn't answer. So she doesnt have to be home until 10 and I'm still in my clothes in case one or both of them want a ride. I have a feeling n3 might walk her home then ask me to come get him. Edit: they are almost back here. He called.

By the way, I had typed this out earlier and the "token expired" so it ate my message! I hate when that happens.

Been reading my book about the elephants. This book just sneaks up on you. I have no idea where it might go next and a quote on the inside cover says it has a surprise ending so yeah.... Fun book!

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 07:48 PM
  #37
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Hi!


I can see you are giving this situation due consideration. It is best to try to troubleshoot this before leaping.


Yes, the situations I had cited were very difficult; however, I am very happy to share with you. I want to try to help in any way I can help.


It sounds like your H's Pdoc would be the better choice, between your pdoc and H's pdoc. He is further removed from you.


I know we tend to think our pdocs won't get into drama. That's not really the biggest concern. Someone with a different agenda, someone who has some interpersonal issues, someone who can/does create chaos in families and/or in social groups, someone who manipulates, will do the same or worse when involved with one of our pdocs/therapists.


My pdocs were not the type to get involved in drama, and that is a part of why I was willing to take the chance, over and over. The person causing drama was so good at it, chaos in the clinic ensued anyway.


I think the very first choice is to find your dad a pdoc/therapist who is not involved with anyone in the family. I am sorry if I have missed this, why is it that your dad's pdoc/therapist might be someone connected to your family?

Are there other professionals trained in dual diagnosis?

Is there a shortage of pdocs/therapists in your area?


If your dad having a totally separate pdoc/therapist is not possible, then out of the two, your pdoc or your H's pdoc, it is less risky if your dad connects with your H's pdoc.


It is critical, for your own healing, that you always protect your relationships with your pdoc and your therapist. This healing space is very important. From my stories you can tell it took some time for me to fully understand the importance in doing so. I was more interested in helping others at the time and clearly did not protect myself and my healing space(s). I can see now that I was not properly protecting myself and the more "sacred" nature of these healing relationships/spaces. I no longer put these relationships at risk.


This is a very difficult decision. We all want to help our loved ones as best we can. Just a word of caution, offering our pdocs/therapists may not be the wisest, nor truly the best, for all parties involved.


I am thinking of you, BirdDancer, as you consider the best course for you and for your dad.


Much Love to You!


P.S. The pdoc who set his patient, your dad, up on a blind date deserves to be reported to at least a couple of regulating agencies.


Ummm I just want to add a bit to this

When I brought Judie into my home for some reason she assumed she would see my Pdoc and T ?!? Hu ? What? Noooooo ... I actually got panicked. Yes she needed to find providers but ...

Anyway I saw Richard a few days later and expressed concern He said that he would absolutely not be her T ... there were numerous other T’s she could see at the practice. He also said that if I was uncomfortable her seeing my Pdoc she could see the NP.

So Richard told me to call him when she made her intake appt so he could note on her account she could not see him or my Pdoc.

Judie was very upset when she was assigned to other providers. NP and T both told her they had a policy about family members and friends.

Judie even confronted me about it !!!!!! I was pretty shocked ! I mean I just saved her freaking life and she’s all mad that she can’t see MY T and Pdoc. I said even if they didn’t have that policy I would have not been okay her seeing them, that she had other options. The first of many red flags !

Anyway.... him seeing your Husbands Pdoc could be okay if your husband is okay with it.

I really really wish you didn’t have to deal with an alcoholic Father at all.

Please do make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 07:50 PM
  #38
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Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
N3 and his gf left saying they were going to a festival of lights downtown. It was nearly dark when they left. Now n3's computer keeps making random noises so I called him to ask why and if I could shut it off but he didn't answer. So she doesnt have to be home until 10 and I'm still in my clothes in case one or both of them want a ride. I have a feeling n3 might walk her home then ask me to come get him. Edit: they are almost back here. He called.


By the way, I had typed this out earlier and the "token expired" so it ate my message! I hate when that happens.


Been reading my book about the elephants. This book just sneaks up on you. I have no idea where it might go next and a quote on the inside cover says it has a surprise ending so yeah.... Fun book!


Is N3 the son who won’t work ?? Sorry I can’t remember which is which

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 07:52 PM
  #39
I feel like I am having a breakdown. Things have been rough lately. I feel like I have to be the strong one in my marriage all the time. I shouldn't. I'm fine one minute then crying the next. I don't see my therapist until November 11th. That was the first available appt. That seems like a long way off. God help me.

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Default Oct 25, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #40
I had a rough day at work today. It was really busy and I was not feeling good.

I came home and I just sat, not saying a word. I was exploring how I was feeling and I'm marking down that today was a bad day.

But on the plus side, after a while of sitting quietly I started a conversation with my wife. We talked about a few things and it was good.

This weekend is an important time for Indians (my wife is from India). It's probably their most important festival. There's lots of cooking involved, plus visiting friends. So we're going out both days of the weekend. I hope they turn out to be good days.

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