Bipolar check in #39

There's a 90% chance I have to go on a business trip to the Czech Republic. I do NOT want to go. I've been there 3 times already and I hate it there. It's not a bad country by any means, but when you go for work and you stay in an area where most people don't speak English, it's NOT fun, especially when people ditch you because they want to spend the whole night drinking every night and you don't.

I'm afraid I'll get psychosis when I'm out of the country, and then there's NOTHING anyone can do about it. There's no way I can get any Rx changes or additions, and I'll be 6 hours ahead, so calling my therapist etc. will be a pain in the @ss.

I asked my therapist for advice yesterday, but all she said was to ask for work accommodations and tell my boss that such a trip would be emotionally taxing. I can't do or say that. I'm not going to reveal my bipolar diagnosis to him (or anyone for that matter).

I already told my boss that I found the last 3 trips overwhelming because of the long days and long plane rides, but he didn't seem to care. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do except suck it up and hope for the best. It's awful.

Didn't sleep again, this is becoming a bad habit.

I hope you got to your appointment OK and it went well. You were an early 🐦 today.

When I read your post my instinct led me to wonder if your trauma is anchored within your solar plexus. Your solar plexus is a chakra or energy center within the body. Chakras are believed to be energy centers, wheels or discs that are located throughout your body. The term is ancient and the first mentions of it come from India. Many believe that trauma or other negative life experiences can block these energy centers and hinder them from allowing proper flow throughout the body. Over time, these blockages create discomfort and/or disease.

There are various forms of chakra healing and I am not a proponent of any one way. I believe each body is unique as well as the circumstances that affect it. There are 'healers' you can work with. Some are incredibly effective and others can create situations that are perceived as harmful. It is like trauma work with a therapist. Sometimes it can go awry.

The basic goal is to connect with the trauma, release it and establish balance once again. You're already doing trauma work, so in your case it might be beneficial to simply practice a few mindful techniques to strengthen your solar plexus as you go. It might make the process a bit easier. You can do that in a number of ways. Affirmations are a relatively safe method. Here's a link to some basic ones you can try: 20 Affirmations to Heal Your Solar Plexus Chakra | Marci Baron Clear Your Way Home

I also want to mention that there are times when our energy centers are not blocked and become over active. Those symptoms manifest in a number of ways. The goal is to create and maintain balance. This article mentions some of the signs you are over active and gives a few more techniques to restore balance. Exploring Your Solar Plexus Chakra - The Blend

I also agree with Wild Coyote that massage can help us release some of the physical pain associated with trauma. I feel like yoga is also helpful in this regard. However, in my experience these are temporary measures as they do not address the root cause of the problem. The body will continue to anchor the trauma until the mind and heart can find a way to truly believe you are safe and do have power now to better control your circumstances. That's why I specifically mention the affirmations. You are reconnecting with those feelings of powerlessness over and over and you can begin to heal them if you take greater self confidence and belief in your own personal power along with you each time you revisit the memories.

I encourage you to do some research on all of the energy centers and the basics of how they function. Life experiences are complex and often affect more than one center. You might find you ease discomfort in one area to bring forward pain in another. This is a lifelong method of balance and restoration of the body. I am in no way an expert, but I wanted to pass along a few ideas in case anything resonates with you and can potentially assist you during this difficult time.

Wild Coyote, I feel you may be familiar with some or all of what I have shared here. Please expand if you have additional thoughts.

Be well Wander. You're a fighter and you have more power than you know!

I hear you regarding long plane rides and stressful trips! I know the stress well, including specifically the stress related to Czech Republic, which is a beautiful country. My husband is from Prague, so I have obviously been to Czech Republic many times. Some of his relatives and friends speak good to OK English, but not all. Some, not all, are heavy drinkers.

I used to tag along with my husband to all of his meetings with friends and family. Since we visit there infrequently and he has oddles of obligations, it's a whirlwind. Also, he always goes to a play (he has an actor friend) and concerts galore. During recent trips, I have done more and more on my own. Not tourism (I have done enough of that there), but going to the movies, taking walks in less congested areas, and things like that. Enough people speak English to get the gist. I wouldn't worry about that too much, unless you are in a very small town or village.

Will you go to Prague, or another city? If you want, perhaps I could give you some other suggestions for more relaxing less stressful things to do there. There's no need to be caught up in the crowds of tourists or smoky stinky hospodas (pubs).

If you are staying in a large city in CZ, they have Uber. Uber is generally cheaper than taxis and they cannot cheat foreigners like some taxis do. Prague's subway system is easy to use. One can get used to using the trams. I imagine you have? If not, if I can manage to get around alone, you can. My Czech, I'll admit, is very limited. As can be expected, my culinary Czech is good.

Czechs may not be the most outwardly friendly people, at first, but they are a good people.

3.5 hrs sleep, this sucks. Everything is so ****ing loud. I'm getting paranoid of PC. I'm always Hungry and know if I screw up I'll end up ip. So I'm walking a thin line

Do you have PRN meds to help you sleep?
can you take benadryl? that helps hubby sleep soundly.
sorry you are having a hard time.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I have ambien but I'm only suppose to take it if I haven't slept in 48 hrs.

Do you have a PRN? Even if not, can you check with your providers to see if it is ok to bump up your AP should psychosis start up? I know it can be hard to tell, but if you can still be on PC, maybe we could help with that(?)

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Hi Blue!
It must be so anxiety provoking to be in this position.

How soon is the trip?

Is it possible to again mention your past experiences to your boss?
I don't know his personality and whether he might be upset with you or might just blow you off or might listen if you mention your concerns to him again?

The reason I am wondering if you might feel comfortable having this conversation with him again is: if he was busy when you'd tried to get your points across to him , he may have not heard you and/or just did not have the time/focus to process what you were saying to him?

I know when I was a manager, there were very many times when I did not clearly hear my staff. I was often too caught up in my own responsibilities. If a staff member had come to me again, letting me know s/he did not feel heard, I would be sure to set things aside and listen with complete focus.

Of course, I cannot assume your boss would behave in a similar manner. I do think it may be worth your while to again voice your concerns ? Might doing so harm you in any way?

I am hoping there might be some options prior to having to decide on looking into accomodations. I will say this: Your job is critical for your self-support. If you do have to request accomodations, I do think it might be very important to seek the advice of an attorney as soon as possible.

When I became "disabled," I had to make a decison as to whether I wanted to be fired (because I could not keep up with all of my responsibilites) or if I wanted to try to have a bit more control and, more income, by beating them to it , by requesting accomodations and eventually, having to deal with going onto total disability. So a part of the whole scene can sometimes be: beating them to the punch by being a step ahead.

This was just my own experience. (My immediate manager was very critical of everyone and was also very angry I'd requested any type of an accomodation. He told me is was his opinion that people who ask for accomodations should just resign. This had put me in a terrible position. Yet, at least he was upfront and I knew his stance.)

I realize I am coming in from a different angle. I just want to touch upon this topic as you consider all pertinent info/possibilities.

I am, in now way, suggesting you choose the option of requesting accomodations and/or ever will ever need the option for total disability.
These are very individual decisions.

I know you have much to consider.
Please do let me know if I can help in any way!
Much Love and Support

I am sorry you are having sleeping challenges.

I do think it is possible for insomnia to become , at least partially, a habit.
This from another insomniac! Lol.

I have found I need to re-assess my sleeping hygiene now and then. I may be doing, or not doing, something that adds to, or supports, the insomnia.

I have found, for instance, that taking calls from certain people will usually wreck my night of sleep. I no longer take/return those calls after 6pm, maybe earlier if possible.

I have had to take a look to see if there is, somehow, a reward for staying up late/all night. I no longer stay up to watch anything. I might find that liking certain shows, etc, might reward me for having stayed awake. If I truly want to watch any such show, I will watch it on demand or in another way.

There may be other habits or foods, even, that have a negative impact upon my sleep.

I also must take a look at my environment. How is the room temperature? How is the air? Dry, damp, dusty, other?

How is the noise, especially any intrusive noise? If you find there is too much noise there are white noise machines available at reasonable prices.

There may also be psychological reasons which support insomnia. These might include things like PTSD, sleep anxieties, overall anxiety, avoiding nightmares/night terrors, experiencing a change in mood, etc.

Yet another possible"motivator" for some people, might be somehow remaining sleep-deprived in order to avoid facing/dealing with responsibilities and/or events which occur in the daytime. This might be very unconscious.

If we are not careful, insomnia can become a chonic problem , possibly even a "habit" we can break once we are aware of the role it plays for us.

Sometimes, our insomnia is purely a side-effect of med(s).

I have been deeply examining my own factors/motivators which may be supporting my own chronic insomnia.

Whatever the reason(s) for your insomnia, I do hope you will find answers andwill be sleeping soundly as soon as possible.

I have such a hard time coping when everything gets loud,
I often must retreat to my own space (my bedroom) in order to avoid becoming too agitated.

What helps?

Try to focus upon what helps. You might even ask others what they find helpful when they are in your shoes? Try to keep your focus upon what DOES help, including what MIGHT help.

Sleep helps me and when I am missing sleep, my symptoms get worse and worse until I just cannot handle it. I then have to get some sleep somehow (safely, of course).

How would you end up in IP?
Would your H suggest IP?

As you know, it is best to address this asap. Do whatever you can do --safely--- to get some rest, preferably some sleep.

Well finally saw the Pulmonary Doctor. He thinks that my Humira injection I’m taking for psoriasis and PsA is to blame based on how long I have been on it , not long but long enough for this to appear. Less than 5% reported this problem. Arent I just lucky ?

He ordered a Stat Cat Scan which I went and had done, he did give me samples of Spiriva to take along with my Symbicort.

I see my rheumatologist the 14th so obviously we will have to decide which biologic to try next.

On to yet another major problem. I called my Drug plan through Humana to make sure it’s going to roll over into 2020. Yes but my premium will go from 4.75 a month to 30.00 and no one can tell me how each one of my meds will cost ... ummmmm ?!???

She said well go to social security and see if you still qualify for help due to low income SSDI. I said okay ... will they the notify you ? “ I don’t know” wtf??? Do you know anything? “ You should probably call us back after going to social security. “

I don’t know if they will look at just my SSDI or both my husbands and mine combined. Steve’s premium is already 43.00 and his meds are not cheap.

With what I have right now After I pay the first 50-75.00 at the first of the year all my meds then are zero cost. So I have no idea if I’ll be able to afford any let alone most biologics cost thousands of dollars a month out of pocket, sure I might qualify for help from the drug maker.. but if not I’ll just be covered in psoriasis and my joints will continue to be damaged until I can no longer walk ?? Let alone my inhalers and Fibromyalgia meds.

I know I’m a broken record but we are just scrapping by monthly. The only way this Florida trip for Christmas is going to happen is we sold gold jewelry most was broken chains but there were a few rings that had some sentimental value but hey we had to come up with a way to make this trip happen.

My anxiety is through the roof I took 2 Xanax and I should have just swallowed a tic-tac for all its doing right now.

We can just never catch a F’ing break.

FML

I wish I could give you a hug right now. I’m sorry this is happening.

Thanks

What helps? idk, I saw t today. She's frustrated with me. I'm irritated. I told her I maybe getting hypo manic. She doesn't want me to lay in bed all night. She wants me to get up and try to do something accomplish something and then go back to bed. I didn't tell her about the thoughts of sh. Which is why I'd end up ip. I wanted to look up videos of it last night. I'm thinking of giving up on therapy. I need to change them but I don't know how and I don't know what I need to change. My therapist wants me to go to a nutritionist. I don't get why I'm in such a good mood but wanting to damage myself so bad.

((((((~Christina ))))))

There is much to touch upon here.

I will keep it short for now.

I love you and I will do anything I can possibly do to help you to figure out what you will need and how to fund it. You are very, very good at this and probably need no help; however, sometimes when we are under a lot of stress, we can use some help.

As for the biologic meds, most, if not all, of the companies have a program or two for assisting patients. Mine (which you have already used an have moved on from) pays my co-pays, instead of giving 100% coverage. Those seem to be the two options -- either 100% coverage or co-pay coverage. Either way, it should not cost you much, if anything. I know even a minimal fee is a lot.

Let's hope you have choices in your biologic and also hope you will find there is plenty of coverage sponsored by the manufacturer. fingers crossed!

You know I will help in any way I can do so.

Breathe. don't jump to any conclusion yet. There is not enough info to know what is going to go on. You don't need this kind of challenge; however, I do think you can get through it. We just need to look at all options and, possibly, be creative, hoping for the best.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Please do let me know how I can be helpful.
I am here for you!

I had a very good day. I went to the building coffee social after all and had a great time and just up and left at the end when it got too loud. I was very quiet the whole time. I barely said a word. I am feeling like my old self, not manic, not depressed, just me. I like myself this way. I'm not perfect but i am pretty neat. I did a load of laundry and finally brushed my dog's fur which is getting so long and she looks super cute. It was the first snow of the season and so pretty and cold and refreshing. I read some of my Overeaters Anonymous (OA) book and really liked it and look forward to reading more about the program. Hugs to all who need them!

Thank you so so much. I’m sure I can get some biologic through drug company, it’s all the rest of my meds that has me freaking out. My husbands Symbicort is like 48 a month ! His deuoneb runs over 55 a month. Both of these are must haves for him to survive. It’s truly about population control.

Love you bunches !!! So lucky your in my life

I'm glad this doctor at least has some thoughts as to why your lungs have been so out of control. A possible answer is better than them just sending you on your way with more steroids.

So sorry about the insurance. That must be incredibly frustrsting and scary not knowing how you'll be able to access the medication you truly need.

I wish the process of travelling was less painful than it has been. It takes a lot out of you just to be able to go and it sucks travelling when you already feel depleted.

I'll be hoping that unexpected abundance begins to come your way. A random coupon here. A gift from a friend there. An offering from a stranger. An unexpected contest win. Something fun and random. I know money doesn't come out of thin air, but sometimes abundance can when you least expect it. Now seems like a good time to hope for miracles.

Huge hugs to you my friend. You're handling a continued difficult situation with grace as best you can.