Bipolar check in #39

Over 100 pages in old check in, here's the new one!

Thanks nammu!

I have a bad feeling about my new job. I can’t describe it; it’s just a feeling that it will be too overwhelming. This is possibly because teaching was so overwhelming. I will be a one to one aide for a student with behavioral problems. That’s usually not good. That means the kid is out of control so bad they need one person to hang out with them to calm them down or something like that. I’m also not getting paid too much more than I am at my current job. But I definitely don’t want to deal with the kid from my current job if he comes back. I can’t handle his level of autism. I know how to handle BD students; I don’t know how to handle violent, self injurious autistic students. So I’d rather have the BD student.

Sigh...I’m just worried about employment in general. I’ve attempted so many times and failed. But I can’t go on disability. That would be even less than I make now and I’d just sleep all day.

I think I can do this. I really do. I just have to have a positive attitude and counter my negative thoughts. That’s what my t would tell me to do.

I haven’t gone to work in two days bc my son’s been sick. He’s got an ear infection and a cold. He didn’t really have to stay home today but he said his stomach was upset and he has vomited in the past from post Nasal drip. So I kept him home. He’s fine now though. Should have just chanced it and sent him to school so I could go to work. Oh well.

Had nightmares all last night

Tomorrow is my mom 60th birthday party. I am still waiting for my brother to back out. So far he hasn’t but I don’t trust him. That would make my mom feel terrible and I would certainly have to say something to him then. I wouldn’t be able to contain my anger.

Hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!

Wildflowerchild You can do it. You will be OK. And if it’s too much, it’s too much. I tried teaching 7th grade life science and lasted 3 days after the students began school. It was beyond overwhelming. H taught high school physics for 3 years, and he said his first year was the worst. He liked teaching, but he hated all the stuff admin dumped on teachers, being under appreciated and underpaid.

Sorry about your struggle trying to get disability.

If this job isn’t for you, I would start the job search ASAP.

Thanks Nammu!
I admire you and your insightful comments!
Much love!

It’s probably just new job jitters along with just self doubt because teaching a full class was just too overwhelming. Yes I’m sure that is what your T would advise. You have great insight so your already steps ahead

You can handle it I have total faith in you !!!

Do you have any plans for the weekend??? I hope your son feels better and hasn’t shared the germs to you and RS

Hopefully your brother shows up!

It’s a small thing, really, but after dinner a couple nights ago, H and my daughter were goofing around, and I was periodically tickling my daughter, and I had a thought, “I am happy.” Not manic, wild happy high but content, genuine happiness. I haven’t thought that in years! It’s not like I am happy or content 24/7, but in certain moments I am.

A small thing but big for me.

FANTASTIC!!!
It's great you are noticing this and I hope you experience this more often!

yesterday our clocks went back, and for the first time ever I didn't get confused by the time change- well, for the first time ever I did have alexa. before I just never changed my watch (I didn't know how to change the time on it, so.)

so yeah. 3 cheers for alexa. hip hip hurah, hip hip hurrah, hip hip hurrah

no plans for today and nothing special going on, another depressing day

still rainy too, and very very windy outside

No no no! This is a HUGE thing. Everyone should have this feeling and I am so happy for you that you were able to experience it again.

Your recent posts have sounded so good and healthy. I am so happy for you. you deserve a happy life.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Really bad cold (Flu? No fever.) the past two days, not a good thing to layer on top of depression. Didn't get out of bed much yesterday. I got bored of not being able to do anything because I was almost too dizzy to walk -- I kept bumping into doors and knocking stuff over -- so I finally pulled all the wiring from the family room laptop, carefully took it downstairs to the bedroom, set it back up on my lap and, of course, fell right asleep. The whole day was a complete waste.

Luckily, Mary took it in stride and didn't blame me (much) for being so unhelpful and grumpy during the day.

Still a bit woozy this morning, but not coughing as much, or using a whole box of tissues and a full roll of toilet paper blowing my nose. I'm awake now, watched some of the latest local/national news and Stephen Colbert's monologue, forced down a bowl of Fruit Loops (craving sugar) and a half-cup of coffee. Oh, and I checked my email and dropped in here to complain.

Here's hoping everyone is feeling fine (better than me anyway) and will have a smooth and unexciting day.

I'm going back to bed, stopping maybe to "look in" on Mary who's taking a shower; that works better than Nyquil ya' know,

I hope you feel better soon. So many people have these same symptoms now. Hopefully it will pass quickly. Take care!

Hi randal, It's no fun to be sick in bed, I am sorry you are feeling so poorly.
I hate dizziness, itis one of the worst symptoms in my humble opinion and experience.

I see you have a sense of humor when you are so ill.
I admire that!
Take good care and keep us posted!

Your recent posts have been a treat to read, Blueberrybook! It's amazing to see how your new treatment (Lithium, right?) is kicking your bipolar's butt. Please enjoy these days! I'm wishing that they continue on and on. Your deserve such happiness! Your posts also provide great hope to others who are still struggling. Things can and do get better!

I saw my case manager at pdoc's office this morning. She said I can apply for foodstamps WITHOUT n2 so I'd qualify! I will do that soon! If I can get n3 to apply too that would be great! We also talked about Alanon meetings I can try. Im a bit hesitant to jump into that- I tried years ago before I had kids and didnt like it much. But, times change and people change so Im going to give it another go all these years later.

@~Christina Now you've lost you're voice? Ugh! Not being able to talk sucks. You don't realize how much you talk in a day until you can't.

I'm sitting at the book store not even reading. I should really get gas and buy a few groceries and laundry soap.

And I aught to eat. I've only had a McDonald's coffee and some chocolate covered coffee beans so far today and its 5-to-noon already! I should go home and make a smoothy.

Ahhhhhhj fantastic news about Food stamps or well they call it EBT now, I think ... that is going to ease a ton of stress off of you !!! I’m so happy for you

@Moose72. In the past, I have found Alanon/ACOA/AA/NA groups' personalities are very different from one another at different locations.

I hope you find a helpful group!

It's nice your case manager could help!

Much Love

Yesterday, I got to my psychiatrist’s office 10 minutes early. I sat in the parking lot with the music on. The sun was starting to go down a bit. I happened to look in my rear-view mirror and what did I see? "I Myname" written on the dirty rear windshield. I knew my husband wrote it there. I also figured it was a sign that maybe it's time to get into the ole’ car wash line. Or maybe not! I'd be really sad to see that message gone.

Of course, I talked about my dad during my psychiatrist session. I think my pdoc knows my dad better than any of my dad's past doctors combined. He even suggested something for my siblings and me to talk to the hospital doctors about. He said they now have an injectable Naltrexone that lasts a month. It helps curb alcoholics cravings. I had taken the pill form in the past, but found it less effective than the med acamprosate, that pdoc also mentioned. But apparently the new injectable Naltrexone has proven efficacy. It may not stop dad's drinking, but maybe at least cut it down.

It came up that I wish I could coerce my dad to finally go to a psychiatrist. I doubt I'll succeed (I’m deluding myself), but I asked him if he thought Dr. X would be good. To my surprise, he said that he would be willing to accept him. Of course, I think he's the best doc, but believed such an arrangement wasn't recommended. But pdoc said that in this case, it could be advantageous since he has so much information already (though just my side of the story). I’m still not sure, though. Plus, my dad likes to tell doctors what HE wants them to know, which is usually misleading or even downright lies. Anyway, I believe Dad would otherwise like him, but if pdoc ever suggested to him that he had bipolar disorder, that would likely be the end of visits. Note that pdoc would never pre-diagnose him based on just my stories.

The message on your car is so sweet. Your husband is gem!

That med sounds like a really good option. It would be great if your dad would consider it. Also, it would be fantastic if your dad would consider seeing your pdoc. He sounds like a very intelligent, insightful and compassionate man and you know you can trust him. You dad might also relate better to someone who is male and older like your pdoc.

I continue to send postive energy to this situation. I know it has been so hard for you and you're handling it all amazingly well.

I deeply admire your willingness to hang in with your dad. ' I know it is not easy.

I know it sounds tempting to have your dad seen by a doctor you trust. I realize my advice may not be popular. I strongly advise against sharing a pdoc. It is heavily frowned upon by the psychiatric profession and for many very sound clinical reasons.

I have had some experiences with similar circumstances.

I'd had an actively alcoholic brother. I loved him and would do anything for him, especially when he talked of getting sober. My doctor offered to take him in. I thought my brother would do well with this doctor, so I was excited and hopeful. This arrangement had turned into a nightmare. My brother had major issues. He would go to see this doctor and would make up stories about me in cases where he thought he could escape responsibility by telling some outrageous story about me. He would then swear by his story when later confronted by the doctor. My brother was a very convincing manipulator, as are many alcoholics. He made a mess of my relationship with my doctor and within the clinic as a whole. My relationship with this doctor went from a very helpful, healing, trustworthy relationship to a very distrustful, broken-down mess. Our relationship never recovered and I had to find a different doctor.

I've had an acquaintance who was new to the area, was in crisis and could not find a mental health practitioner to see in a very timely manner. "Helper" that I am, I contacted my pdoc to see if anyone in his practice was able to see her soon. He did get her connected with another pdoc in his practice. It turned into a nightmare! This person's pdoc was supervised by my pdoc. This person was constantly reporting that I was causing problems for her, etc. (It was unbelievable what was being said/reported and I did not have a lot of contact with this person.) It caused major upset at the clinic, as my pdoc was getting reports on me which were not true at all. Her pdoc was getting these reports and continued to give them to my pdoc. It was crazy-making!

My H has a pdoc in the same practice as my retied pdoc. Since he saw his pdoc for meds, mainly, there seemed to be no major issues for me seeing my H's pdoc. H and I were considered as having a very stable marriage, which I was told was taken into account. My pdoc has retired and my H's pdoc had offered to take me in as a patient, as there is a huge shortage of pdocs in this area. This pdoc had gotten the okay from my H for him to take me on. I had declined and I am lucky I did so, as I had no idea of what was to follow, meaning the mess with my marriage. What would have happened with this pdoc had I agreed to become his patient, too?

I have found out that it can be very difficult, at times, destructive, with family members (and some types of acquaintances) seeing the same pdocs. Sometimes, it can be very trying to even share the same practice.

In thinking about this, I have a couple of more stories where things did not go well in sharing doctors/practices with friends/family.

I may be very biased. I am sure, very sure, these guidelines against sharing pdocs/therapists with another family member are put in place for very good reasons. I will never again offer my pdoc, accept an offer from a pdoc involved with my family, help a family member or a friend (especially someone we know is manipulative) into the same practice. I will help them to find another reliable pdoc/therapist and/or practice.

Please take any part of this that may be helpful to you and leave the rest. I thought it important that I take the time to write this out , hoping something I share might help you to make a decision based in your own best interest, which does not preclude finding good care for your dad.

Just my 2 cents.
I hope you will not be offended by my stance. I think you know I care. I care about the welfare of both you and your dad. I believe both/each of you can be properly cared for without risking any disturbance in your relationship with your pdoc. It is better to be safe than sorry.

Much Love to You and to Yours!