[Jennyanydots]

I downloaded the list of social workers under my health insurance plan and 5 people came up that said they were accepting new patients! 5! I called and left messages for 4 of them and the 5th, I have to call back tomorrow during business hours to a leave a message on their VM. I've been posting lately about my stress and anxiety and it's at an all time high! Today, I was so paralyzed from stress/anxiety that I was frozen. This was definitely top 5 anxiety attacks in my life. Luckily I was working from home. I'm not an alcoholic but I took a .5 klonopin and poured myself a drink (maybe a shot and a half of vodka and some code red mountain dew). I don't even care for mixed drinks. I threw it back. 15 min later, I was wasted. 1.5 shots! Maybe it was the code red mixture. What the **** is wrong with me? Is this where my anxiety/stress has brought me to? Never again. I learned my lesson. I was still able to work but felt like **** and was puking all afternoon. But on the bright side, my anxiety had subsided. So....I really need to talk to someone about my anxiety/stress and I know my "self medicating" today was a no-no. I just felt desperate at the moment. And to make matters worse, the new guy I'm dating (who also suffers from chronic anxiety called and cancelled our date tonight due to illness so I called him (left VM) to tell him I was also feeling ill as well and about my afternoon drink experience due to my anxiety. Man, diarrhea of the mouth so I'm sure he might never call me or text me again). This only caused me anxiety! Again, what the **** is wrong with me! This time I called my mom (Yes, I'm almost 40 - didn't tell her about the afternoon drink but she helped calm me down - the mother's soothing voice, right?) I really hope he texts me back. I can see if he has read my text, and it says he hasn't read it (it was just a good night feel better text, no more blabbering). He said he was going home and going straight to bed so that probably explains why he hasn't read it. So I'm probably stressing about nothing.

My prior posts were about feeling financially strained (my renters just gave their notice yesterday, sigh, and I'm stressing big time about money. The mortgage on my new house is sucking me dry (how did I get this loan??) I wake up in a panic from my sleep almost every night due to my high levels of stress. I didn't want to take this route, but I'm interviewing for a roommate to help me out financially. I live in a 3 bdrm 2 bath house alone with my 2 dogs.

Also, from my prior posts, my patterns are that I have a manic/psychosis episode about every 1 to 3 years around Nov/Dec. I had one in Nov/Dec of 2017 and 2018 so self care and managing my stress is key...should be #1 for me but I'm been doing a poor job. Right now, It's 8:30 pm my time and I'm listening to Jazz and drinking some honey and vanilla tea. Trying to just take it easy. Writing this post is helping too because I'm getting my thoughts out and it's keeping my mind from worrying aimlessly.

I hope 1 of the 5 therapists I called can take me as a patient. I'm a hot mess.

[bizi]

I hope you will be able to sleep tonight.
You have a lot on your plate. Sorry for the anxiety......
hubby drinks sleepy time tea with lemon and honey to sleep.

I used to have trouble sleeping now I use ear plugs and they have made all of the difference.
I hope you hear back about getting a new therapist.
good luck this week.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Wander]

I wish you all the best finding the right T as soon as possible. Anxiety can be crippling. Stay safe and keep us up to date.