Bipolar Check-in #40

I’ve been too exhausted to update since I started my new job, just because it’s very active. I got assigned a fourth grader who pretty much spends the entire morning freaking out and running through the halls screaming and kicking walls and doors. It’s been a trip lol. I really like him though. He’s super cute. I’ve never worked with elementary students before. Yesterday I did my first restraint ever in the eight years I’ve been working with BD students. My kid got in a fight with another student and I had to grab him up. To be fair, the other kid hit him first. So it really wasn’t his fault. He was just defending himself. So I get a lot of exercise chasing him through the halls lol.

Other things are going well. My weekend in the mountains was lovely as I said. Yesterday my son turned nine! One more year till double digits. We had tacos and ice cream cake. The weekend will be full of activity. We are going out on Friday with my brother for my son’s birthday, then on Saturday is his kids party at hyperspace gaming, which is basically just a place they can all play video games together. Sunday is the family party at friendly’s. So my weekend will be busy busy busy! But next week Is thanksgiving so it’s a short work week.

I’m looking forward to sleeping in on the weekend!

I replied in your other thread, but this deserves another YAY!!!! Yes, health and acceptance at every size.

I’m glad you finally got a bit of sleep !

Cool dream , well all but the snake , they terrify me

I’m still jumping up and down you are getting your ultrasound tomorrow!! I had mine last Friday and results on Tuesday. I hope you get results quickly...

I’m sorry things are just a freaking mess. I do hope and will pray your Pdoc can see you this week

Oh I’m glad to see some stuff is falling into place finally ... You really need a break

Well. I have come to realize I just honestly don’t care about my life in general at this point.

I’m sick of one health problem after another then another. My physical pain problems just gets worse and worse.

Due to health problem, something that was supposed to “help my pain” caused big breathing problems almost 12 weeks so far and no one has any idea when things will improve.

So I saw my T today... we talked about all this shyt and he can fully understands why I feel like I do.

Basically everything Im dealing with I have ZERO control over. My brain absolutely will not function with a “ it will eventually get better” my floating” coping skill isn’t helping at all. Been trying those for weeks

I have a constant high anxiety, if your struggling to breathe it’s gonna happen.

We went over my safety plan. I have numerous ways to take an exit but I have no intent right now. My T and I are not the hugging type , probably 10 times over the past 8 years... but he gave me a huge hug and reminded me that I have promised to call him before I do anything drastic.

I’m just sick to death of physical pain and insomnia. I can’t find a break anywhere in this mess.

You've been very courageous and determined for a very long time now. It's a very tough, challenging life you are living. Some of us meet the challenge very well, until we've been worn down, which may take a lot, yet can happen.

It's incredibly disheartening, I know.

When I am tired, disheartened, feeling like it's all pain, I try to live just hour by hour or day to day. Sometimes this gives me time to feel better, time to recharge.

You have every reason to feel defeated.. You are in so much pain, on all levels, that I do worry about you.

It can help just to be able to say how disheartening life has become.

I am someone who truly knows what you are experiencing/talking about. I have no words , in all honesty. You have to decide what you can take. Maybe just try to decide hourly, allowing yourself some time to regroup and /or to make very sound decisions.

I know much of your stress is situational. Situational stressors can lead us into depression. if you are experiencing depression, too, is there something helpful for this?

We can always quit. Therefore, there is no reason to rush into doing so. It can be helpful to write down the reasons for living.

Let's have a chat?

I know R is there for you. Me, too.

With Lots of Love and Admiration

Thanks hun

I have many plans but no intent.

I have numerous hurdles I have set for myself before I can get to the “intent and do X”

It would devastate my husband, daughter and some friends.

As you know ... “ The Pain” well it’s just an absolute monster .... a giant fire breathing monster from hell.

Having chronic pain and not being able to sleep as that’s really the only “ escape “ I have.... but I’d sooner find a unicorn than get any kinda of regular sleep. I hate that you deal with this also

I have tried most all psych meds just for the sedation,nothing works. In the words of my T I truly need an elephant tranquilizer.

Because of the time of year it’s “ possible” there could be a bit of Bipolar in this mix. But it’s really situational stuff( health problems) , pain , and insomnia.

I honestly wish Big Pharma (whom I loathe) would spit out a new sleep Med. So many of us suffer from insomnia, and no real help available.

Is it wrong that I wish I’d get a truly proper depression where all I did for weeks is sleep ?

Love you bunches

My night is going downhill fast. I'm hearing voices and scared so I want to take one of prn klonopin but I'm scared to even do that because I feel like my meds are poison

Your Klonopin is not poison. It truly will help you

Absolutely none of your feelings are wrong.

In truth, your feelings are very sane.
You are in an extremely challenging situation.
It's incredibly painful and incredibly stressful.

We share a lot between us because we both understand what it's like to live with severe and often unrelenting, pain. We are always seeking relief and we are often betrayed by almost anything we try which was supposed to assist us.

Diagnoses/conditions only increase, no matter what we do We are trying to live with some chronically progressive conditions. The rest of the conditions may not be progressive, yet are sources of additional chronic pain.

It certainly seems like nothing gets better. The challenges continue to multiply. Your resources have not multiplied. You need more medical tests/help.

You are "punished" every time you follow through with you doctors' recommendations. You fall into the category of the "underinsured," and you live in a state which has forsaken it's citizens in this regard. Therefore, medical providers then want your home. Your home is all you have been able to hold onto to date,

I usually have some helpful resources. In your case, you've known the potential options and you have fully explored them. In your state, your legislature/governor/politicians have sold you out, along with so many others, especially disabled adults, suffering chronic illness.

It surely looks like a catch-22 to me.

On top of it all, you are not treated with compassion. We'd never think it humane to allow any animal to suffer the way you suffer. You need some reprieve with proper pain management measures. Unfortunately, our goverments, both state and federal, have bought into some idea that all pain med prescribing is based upon concern for "drug abusers." This fear of people wrongly using the pain meds we need trumps our desperate need for some relief. How do the behaviors of others block us from compassionate care?

I totally understand your need for relief from ALL of this. It certainly appears as though there is no break, no way out. You are damned if you do and if you don't.

Sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings.
How could a sane person feel differently ? Anyone living the reality of what you are living would be screaming for help and would very likely feel betrayed and deeply disheartened, especially when repeatedly trying so hard and things are made worse for having tried.

I have touched upon some of what you have to live with. There is much more that I would not touch upon here and much more I don't even know.

I think I probably come close to understanding?
I also have faith that our friends here will also understand.

Please do let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do beyond offering understanding, listening, offering support, holding your hand, sitting with you. I want to be here with/for you.

You are an incredibly strong, courageous, loving, life-affirming person. You so freely give so very much Love here to everyone. You are truly beautiful, inside and out. You have my appreciation, my admiration and my Love.

I am here for you.

Christina, I'm sending you hugs and my version of prayers, my friend. I'm sorry I haven't been as supportive as I would like, lately, but I care about you a lot. I have never had the physical pain/distress you describe, but imagine that if I did, I wouldn't be nearly as brave and strong as you. Stay strong.

You are suffering tremendously and it just plain sucks. There are no wise words that come to mind. I'm angry for you and wishing this pain would pack its bags and leave so you can live with a better quality of life again. It sounds like giving it time is all you can do. A true test in patience and perserverance which is cruel because you're already an expert in those. Just know you are dearly loved. Even through your pain you generate so much light here. We appreciate you and support you.

Hi Blue_Bird,

I am sorry you've had a rough night. How are you feeling today?

Thinking of you. Sending hugs, prayers and supportive vibes.

Thank you things seem okay right now. I did take the prn last night and eventually went to sleep around 1am and then slept till 11:30am. I'm hoping it doesn't happen again. It's happened a few times this week I just don't want it to get worse. Evenings seem to be the time the paranoia and voices start for some reason.

I hope you're doing well

Thank you Christina I was able to make myself take it eventually last night and was able to calm down enough to go to sleep

I am glad you have a safety plan in place.

While I don't have physical pain myself, my aunt does (fibromyalgia), and from hearing her talk about it, I know how tough you have to be to put up with that sh_t on a daily basis. It messes with your sleep and everything else in your life. But you are a tough cookie and I know you won't give up fighting.