Bipolar Check-in #40

I just got to my therapist's office for an appt at 10am. I am a bit nervous to talk to her today and I don't know why. I am feeling nervous today for absolutely no reason.

I do have to finish some stuff up by thanksgiving for work. I also have to continue cleaning my apartment. I did do some organizing yesterday, though, so I am happy with that. The problem with my apartment, however, is that I never had enough organizational stuff in the first place (e.g., no shelving, no plastic bins, etc.), so I am actively figuring out what to put in bins and on shelves, and then *where* to put those bins/shelves. I am halfway organized.

On another note, I did go shopping for food and toilet paper yesterday after not going for about a month. Mostly needed the toilet paper because I only had 1 roll left and you can't really flush napkins or paper towels if you use them. (I would know because I was cleaning my kitchen sink with paper towels and instead of throwing the paper towels in the trash, I threw them ALL in the toilet and flushed because I wasn't thinking. So yeah, don't want that to happen again, except this time would be worse because well... it wouldn’t be bathroom cleaner in the toilet... lol.)

You ask excellent questions!
You must be a scientist!

Many people take magnesium at night because it calms their CNS and muscles.

Both brain zaps and sleep are at least theoretically (and potentially) helped by magnesium.

*Here is a very popular line of magnesium supplements actually named "Calm" and is incredibly popular, as an example : https://www.naturalvitality.com/natu...E&gclsrc=aw.ds

Magnesium is well-known for overall calming effects, for restless legs syndrome, regulating heartbeat and more.

If I were to choose attempting to treat brain zaps and/or sleep, I'd want the magnesium over any anti-epileptic, by far. (In hopes I could escape the medication and its side-effects.)

Please note: At some dose, one might experience loose stools and this dose is different for everyone.

*This same formula is available in generic forms in most nutrition stores and only recently in many drug and grocery stores in the U.S.

Oh! The form of magnesium is important. The form in these supplements are the best for this use: calcium carbonate. Other forms of calcium may also be helpful Avoid magnesium oxide, which is not well assimilated by the body.

Please let me know if i can help in any way.

My Best

I am so sorry you are having a tough time.
You are loved and appreciated here, Jennifer.

I think you know I support you and you are invited to contact me anytime. We've briefly touched upon the modalities you have listed here. I cannot always get back to anyone right away; however, I generally do respond within the same day/night.

I care about you very much! You have been a great friend to me for years now.
With Love and Appreciation

Oh no! it must have been in the stars, as I'd slept an hour early this morning.
i hope you can take a nap today!?
Love ya!

You must be doing quite well! I am excited for you! You tend to get busy obtaining groceries and organizing your space. when you have more energy, on all levels.

Any Jimmie Dean?

Love ya!

It looks like I'm someone's mentor

The person whom I'm now mentoring told me that he was looking for a mentor and said that I'm the person to do that!

I'm amazed that he picked me and honored at the same time.

It looks like I'm back to 4 hours sleep. But the bright side is I have much more time for my hobby and other activities.

Mentoring is a wonderful service and learning opportunity. I think it is fantastic you're willing to invest in yourself and someone else in this way. Enjoy

I can definitely see why someone would want you for a mentor!
You show many great qualities here!
I hope you both benefit from this new arrangemant!

Hope your appointment goes well

I understand the organization thing, I don't have many shelves or bins in my apartment either so it's hard to figure out were to put stuff, definitely need to get some

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't posted much over the past month or so, but I've been lurking a little. Hugs to all who want them

I've been doing alright. No major ups or downs, although I am feeling a bit speedy today. My cats haven't been doing so well. One had a severe bladder infection that's all cleared up now, and another has to see a cardiologist due to a heart murmur and some odd behavior. It'll cost $800 just to see the kitty cardiologist, not including any treatment. We still haven't taken our oldest (17 y/o) to her check up, but she seems alright. She's sitting on my lap right now haha I love her.

They're switching pdocs on me. I'm not even going to see a doctor anymore, just a nurse practitioner. Just when I realized my old pdoc is on my side and is actually kinda nice too. I can't even pronounce the name of my new pnurse. I'm hoping she's nice and competent with a good listening ear.

Well, not quite as good quality sleep last night but still, an improvement from last week. So that's good. Unfortunately, did have to deal with some voices around midnight or something. Started freaking out but then, I just breathed and breathed and then somehow, I actually fell asleep. Miracle. Since I've been up, no more voices. Yeah!

The weather is finally starting to change here. Low 30s this morning and I just really didn't want to deal with the massive bundling up project required to get out on the bike. Maybe tomorrow.

Hugs and support to everyone struggling. Gratitude to all those supporting me. I am so very grateful.

Glad things are improving for you! Sorry about the voices but it's good you were able to get through them and get to sleep, hopefully they lessen over time

Well, my therapy appointment turned into a huge, long rant about my sister, so I kinda feel like I wasted my appointment slot when I could have talked about other, more pressing things, but I also kinda feel like I needed to "let it out" to someone.

Long story short, I told my therapist about how my sister is VERY manipulative, VERY entitled, VERY controlling, and VERY uncompromising with everything (because everything has to be "her" way and ONLY her way). She basically does this fake crying thing when she doesn't get her way, and then says how everything is "unfair" to her when she has to compromise... because she is manipulative and wants to play victim. And then she uses my mom's' credit cards to buy whatever she wants because she doesn't want to spend her own money on things, even though she has money in the bank. Then she has the audacity to b_tch at me for how I spend my own money, even though I rarely buy things. So, I told my therapist that my mom is enabling her by giving in to what she wants and letting her use the credit card w/ no consequences. I said I wouldn't be surprised if my sister went bankrupt shortly after graduating from college, and that I will NOT be lending her any money when that happens.

Also, my sister is the kinda person who b_tches about free stuff. Like if she gets a Christmas gift that she doesn't want, she'll b_tch about it. For example, she'll SAY she wants a very specific thing for Christmas and we get it for her as a surprise, and then when it "goes out of fashion" (according to her...), she acts like she never wanted it, saying, "Ewwwwww. Why did you get this for me? I never said I wanted it." (Yes, she says "ewwwww.") She'll also return all her gifts and demand us to give her the cash instead (since the money goes back onto our credit cards after she returns the items). And she doesn't ask for cheap gifts, either. They're typically REALLY expensive. And of course, after we get her like a $400 gift, she'll give all of us like a candy cane and a gift worth $5.... specifically, a gift bought USING MY MOM'S MONEY, not even hers!! I know she doesn't have to give a gift if she doesn't want, but it's pretty insulting to spend lots of money on her and then she pretends she doesn't like it and then demands money. I hope I don't sound entitled or having high standards, but she knows we're giving her expensive stuff, so I don't see why she can't at least partially reciprocate by spending more than a measly $5 and doing more than just taking a free candy canes from work and giving them to us.

What would happen if this year you just bought her something thoughtful and inexpensive? She might complain, but at least you could save your money to invest in something that brings you greater joy. Also, what would happen if you explained to her how you view all of this? She doesn't seem very self aware. I don't know how you've held this in so far. In my family she would be called to the floor instantly for behavior like that. We're big on letting each other know when we are being an A hole. It keeps everybody in line

It stinks your parents enable this. You're so very different. I imagine they greatly appreciate what you offer to the family in terms of balance and contrast.

I am so glad to hear you are still improving. You deserve some peace.

I think it is great you were able to remain calm and breathe through what might have been psychosis before it took hold. Sometimes I feel like we make ourselves worse when we freak out. Its like the fear gives our illness the foothold it needs to take over. You've shown tremendous bravery lately and you keep battling back.

What do you usually do for exercise when it is too cold to cycle? I'm mostly an exercise indoors kind of gal, so the weather hasn't had much effect on my routine.

I wish you continued improvement and momentum on your journey back to wellness.

You always know just what to say and are very wise. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it and you.

Thank you for your message. I was referring to irl and not PC. I hope it didn’t come across differently. This is one of the few places I can come to be supported and understood. I’m very grateful.

You’ve been a good friend to me as well and I care about you too. Thank you for your support.

I ask constantly for a renewed mind, heart, body and spirit and for me to have the words to be in service to others. I'm so grateful to know I was gifted with something that could assist you at this time. Much love to you. I see so much promise in your heart and your approach!

I am so exhausted. My little guy was literally running the halls kicking doors and screaming for the entire day. My feet hurt soooo bad because I’ve been wearing professional shoes this whole week. I have a huge blister on my toe. My guy stepped on my foot by accident today and I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from cursing lol. However, he seemed concerned and actually said he was sorry, which is the only remorse I’ve seen from him all week. So he is human after all lol.

Despite all that I do enjoy working with him. He’s testing all my skills as a BD teacher but I enjoy it. He’s only a 45 day placement so he won’t be there come January 16 and I think I’ll actually miss him. I was assured they will keep me on and put me with someone else so that’s good. I thought I might have to find yet a another job.

So, I’m happy.

****ed even when stable mood wise.

I may have gone through a hypomania a couple weeks ago. My mom unknowingly bailed us out. I feel so run down. The fighting between me and H has subsided. Anxiety is super high on the verge of paranoia. I’m overwhelmed very easily. I want to self destruct so bad. I’m trying to find hobbies. I wanted to leave H last night. If I told him it would hurt him. I settled on telling him why I’m so anxious. He says I’ll be fine but IDK, I don’t trust him. It took me over an hour to pick what to have for lunch and I immediately regretted it. All I seem to be able to handle sit and stare. I scroll but I don’t read, respond, nothing. I want to cry. Nothing is happening. I almost quit therapy yesterday too. I don’t think therapy is helping. T says it is. I just want to be done trying. It’s not working. Nothing is working. I suck.

Today went pretty well. I got some drawing done and went to the library. Right now I'm having a panic attack that I'm trying to work through, I feel like I can't breath and am dying but am trying to remind myself it won't last forever. Trying to distract myself from the physical sensations.

Hope everyone has a good weekend

I’m hopeful Lithium is really helpful. I’m sure hold off Lithium for a few days will be fine. Just remember when you start you have to increase your fluid intake.

It’s good today your feeling better, how do you think you can do to try and ease how your more Ok in the morning but down ward turn as the later in the day nose dive??

I think getting back to seeing your T will really help you.

I’m here if you need anything

We should be pen pals all night long

Maybe be time to just be. Stop questioning every thing. So you didn’t like your lunch ? It’s okay not the end of the world in the big picture.

What about the schooling your taking ? Did you get everything set up ?? What class is if ?

I’m in a lousy space so just go day to day or hour to hour , that’s all I am doing.

Hang in there

Oh my! Panic attacks are so overwhelming!
Do you have a prn for panic atacks if you need one?

I give you a lot of credit for working your way through the panic attack.
My old pdoc used to say panic attacks eventually snowball and the only way to effectively stop this is to take a med.
I can imagine some people might have the ability to keep an eye on the panic while staying busy -- like you! if you don't get relief, please do ask for help and/or take a prn! Much Love