In hospital - would love support

Wander · Dec 07, 2019 at 05:48 PM

Only had four hours sleep. Feel crap. Tired but wired. In three hours or so I see my pdoc. I will try to post when that’s over to let you all know how it goes. However, if I’m moved to a locked ward they may take my phone. Hopefully, it won’t come to that. Right now I have a lot of passive SI so he probably won’t order me to be locked up. I get worse late afternoons usually. Mostly, I just want my pdoc to find the right med combo to calm me down ASAP. Then I can stabilise, ho home, and live a ‘normal’ life.

*Beth* · Dec 07, 2019 at 07:51 PM

Just saying hi! Let us know how you're doing, if you can.

Wander · Dec 07, 2019 at 11:26 PM

I am totally losing my mind! Just saw my pdoc and lost my *hit. I was so angry with him for ignoring my cries for help in the last few days. He remained calm, listened and apologised. I’m stopping Seroquel as it gives me rebound anxiety, and going back on Haloperidol, and Lorazepam. Both in high doses for a few days. He said he would check on me tonight to make sure the agitation and anxiety are decreasing. If meds can’t contain me I will be locked up.

I was so angry and agitated when I spoke to him. I was not in control. I’m still shaking. I’m so scared.

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 07, 2019 at 11:30 PM

Thinking of you. Sorry for the last of wise words but just know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I knew what else to say. I'm sorry it is so scary for you.

Wander · Dec 07, 2019 at 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thinking of you. Sorry for the last of wise words but just know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I knew what else to say. I'm sorry it is so scary for you.

Thanks for your kind words and prayers. They mean a lot to me.

Nammu · Dec 08, 2019 at 12:05 AM

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

~Christina · Dec 08, 2019 at 12:10 AM

You said on the check in thread your afraid you will fall. Fall into what ??

Your in a safe place...

When I have felt so afraid and scared of what might happen next .. I throw my hands up I’ll just in a sense give up, stop fighting , just land where ever .... why ?? Because it’s often a huge relief and a big step in the right direction as odd as that may sound.

Your already in a mental place of agony.. things honestly won’t get worse, your in a safe place , your seeing a Pdoc and he is trying to find a combo that will stabilize you. You have nurses to help you.

Many hugs !

Wander · Dec 08, 2019 at 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You said on the check in thread your afraid you will fall. Fall into what ??

Your in a safe place...

When I have felt so afraid and scared of what might happen next .. I throw my hands up I’ll just in a sense give up, stop fighting , just land where ever .... why ?? Because it’s often a huge relief and a big step in the right direction as odd as that may sound.

Your already in a mental place of agony.. things honestly won’t get worse, your in a safe place , your seeing a Pdoc and he is trying to find a combo that will stabilize you. You have nurses to help you.

Many hugs !

Fall into death. Thanks for your advice. It makes good sense. I get so panicked I can’t think straight. But yeh, my mental state could only get worse by being psychotic. I guess I’m afraid to fall in a heap and quit fighting with such strong SI. Maybe letting go will help. As you mentioned all has, and is, being done to help me. This should bring me some sort of peace. My mind is not my friend right now. I am so thankful for the support I do have. To be able to have others point out the flaws in my thinking helps. Am I making sense?

bizi · Dec 08, 2019 at 12:43 AM

Hi sweetie, am so sorry that you are unstable. That sounds so scary.
You are in a safe place though and you need time to let the meds work. I am surprised they have not increased your lithium????
bizi

~Christina · Dec 08, 2019 at 12:49 AM

Your making sense, your in a crisis mode, your grasping at anything to find “control. “ Sometimes letting go is a much better decision.

I speak from experience with ptsd that at some point before you can begin to heal you have to let go and have that crash, the funny thing is my “ crash “ wasn’t nearly as bad as I had thought and assumed it would be.

I will always have some triggers and some dates of the year will be hard and that’s okay . We can’t erase our past but we can move forward.

Wander · Dec 08, 2019 at 02:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Your making sense, your in a crisis mode, your grasping at anything to find “control. “ Sometimes letting go is a much better decision.

I speak from experience with ptsd that at some point before you can begin to heal you have to let go and have that crash, the funny thing is my “ crash “ wasn’t nearly as bad as I had thought and assumed it would be.

I will always have some triggers and some dates of the year will be hard and that’s okay . We can’t erase our past but we can move forward.

You are right. I think I’ve finally crashed, and it’s progress. I’m done fighting. I can’t get up again to fight more. I don’t want to die. I simply need to curl up and rest. I’m exhausted. The nurses are being extra nice. They are/were all so worried about me. I’m so lucky I made it to hospital in time. I hadn’t realised how close to breaking point I was.

Bizi, you mentioned my Lithium. My pdoc doesn’t think I’m manic or mixed, and I just spent 5 months tapering down to half the dose. He did check my levels though. It never stopped me going manic anyway. It calms my impulsively which keeps me safer. I think it’s still working in that regard as if I had of gone through this experience before I started Lithium I would have impulsively destroyed myself by now.

~Christina · Dec 08, 2019 at 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

You are right. I think I’ve finally crashed, and it’s progress. I’m done fighting. I can’t get up again to fight more. I don’t want to die. I simply need to curl up and rest. I’m exhausted. The nurses are being extra nice. They are/were all so worried about me. I’m so lucky I made it to hospital in time. I hadn’t realised how close to breaking point I was.

Bizi, you mentioned my Lithium. My pdoc doesn’t think I’m manic or mixed, and I just spent 5 months tapering down to half the dose. He did check my levels though. It never stopped me going manic anyway. It calms my impulsively which keeps me safer. I think it’s still working in that regard as if I had of gone through this experience before I started Lithium I would have impulsively destroyed myself by now.

I’m glad your feeling better

Wander · Dec 08, 2019 at 07:18 AM

My pdoc just quickly visited me to make sure I had calmed down. I told him I’m still very agitated but manageable for now.

Now I plead the sleep fairies visit me soon so I punch out of feeling this way. It is like having your body covered in ants and you can’t get them off. Not pleasant to say the least. I can’t concentrate because of it.

fern46 · Dec 08, 2019 at 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

Fall into death. Thanks for your advice. It makes good sense. I get so panicked I can’t think straight. But yeh, my mental state could only get worse by being psychotic. I guess I’m afraid to fall in a heap and quit fighting with such strong SI. Maybe letting go will help. As you mentioned all has, and is, being done to help me. This should bring me some sort of peace. My mind is not my friend right now. I am so thankful for the support I do have. To be able to have others point out the flaws in my thinking helps. Am I making sense?

Yes you are making complete sense. I can see how that would be terrifying. I agree with Christina though. The one strategy you haven't tried is acceptance and surrender.

fern46 · Dec 08, 2019 at 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

My pdoc just quickly visited me to make sure I had calmed down. I told him I’m still very agitated but manageable for now.

Now I plead the sleep fairies visit me soon so I punch out of feeling this way. It is like having your body covered in ants and you can’t get them off. Not pleasant to say the least. I can’t concentrate because of it.

Sending fairy dust your way. I hope you find rest very soon Wander. You are incredibly brave!

Dec 08, 2019 at 07:35 AM

I'm thinking about you this morning, Wander, hoping you will feel a little better today. Please stay safe. We care!

Dec 08, 2019 at 07:52 AM

Sorry you're struggling so much, Wander.

For what it's worth, I think you're a very strong person for not giving up. You're putting up a fight, you're advocating for yourself, and you're doing your best to get better. That's what counts IMO.

Although things may seem bleak right now, things will get better for sure, and that's because you're not giving up. I know that "things will get better" sounds so cliché, but it really is true. You've got this. Your doctors, nurses, and all of us are fighting for you too.

bizi · Dec 08, 2019 at 10:52 AM

I hope you were able to sleep.
and have a better day.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Wander · Dec 08, 2019 at 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fern46

Yes you are making complete sense. I can see how that would be terrifying. I agree with Christina though. The one strategy you haven't tried is acceptance and surrender.

Thanks Fern! In the past I have tried acceptance and surrender, but I always end up fighting it again. I think now is the time to completely accept where I am at right now, and surrender fighting it all the time. I’m not planning on being a doormat. I just want to be free inside and out. I’m too exhausted to fight anymore. Normally this would worry me, but now I know I am truely safe (as a person could be on this earth. This is why my mantra is ‘your are safe now wander. You are free now. Let go and be at peace so you can live a brighter life’

The mantras work a lot of the time in reducing my anxiety. I’m still a beginner though as I can feel rage when I try to accept my ‘****ed up past. Not quite zen about it all yet.

Wander · Dec 08, 2019 at 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi

I hope you were able to sleep.
and have a better day.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Thanks, with the help of 50 mg of Seroquel I slept 10 hours straight! I must be exhausted. I’m a bit hung over now (5.50 am) but waking up for the day.

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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Dec 07, 2019 at 07:51 PM #82 Just saying hi! Let us know how you're doing, if you can. __________________
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BeyondtheRainbow Wise Elder Member Since Apr 2015 Location: US Posts: 9,233 (SuperPoster!) 9 9,387 hugs given	Dec 07, 2019 at 11:30 PM #84 Thinking of you. Sorry for the last of wise words but just know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I knew what else to say. I'm sorry it is so scary for you. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel
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Nammu Crone Member Since May 2010 Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system. Posts: 71,401 (SuperPoster!) 13 53.7k hugs given	Dec 08, 2019 at 12:05 AM #86 I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. __________________ *Nammu* …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann
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Anonymous46341 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 08, 2019 at 07:35 AM #96 I'm thinking about you this morning, Wander, hoping you will feel a little better today. Please stay safe. We care!
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bizi Bizi is bizi Member Since Nov 2005 Location: cajun country Posts: 10,851 18 43.8k hugs given	Dec 08, 2019 at 10:52 AM #98 I hope you were able to sleep. and have a better day. ((((((HUGS)))))) bizi __________________ 150mg of lamictal 2x a day haldol 5mg 2x a day 1mg of cogentin 2x a day klonipin , 1mg at night, 4-5 peri-colace for chronic constipation multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine at noon PRN Remeron 15mg at night, zyprexa10mg under tongue, requip2mg.
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