In hospital - would love support

Thanks Blue! Your kind words are encouraging. I am beginning to see some light, some hope, and the mass of support I have right now. I’m so thankful.

After 9-10 hours sleep. Beautiful sleep without waking up all the time. Longest time I have slept through like that for ages. I believe this is because I finally feel safe, and am exhausted.

Just about 6 am. I’m groggy from the sleep med, but my anxiety seems less, and head is slowly clearing up. I’m onto my third coffee already. Every morning I brew up a plunger full of three cups of coffee and drink them while I wake up and surf the net. Then I do my hip exercises then some meditation.

Already I feel panic brewing because I’m scared today will just get worse. I find it hard to accept my past traumas, and truly surrender to life as it is. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m letting my abusers to win. In reality I know living a free and peaceful life is the best revenge.

Hmmmn ... Lithium took away my bad Premenstrual symptoms. Since I have reduced my dose the symptoms have been back each month for a couple of days around that time of the month. TMI sorry, but to make my point I have been much more reactive, overwhelmed, agitated and irritable in the last few days. Today I go my period (sorry for tmi) so perhaps by tomorrow I will be out of this crisis, and back to 'just' severe PTSD. STUPID F'N hormones. How am I going to survive menopause?

Day at a time my dear.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

9-10 hours is glorious! Sleep always makes things better

That is AWESOME news! Our brains, and bodies, NEED sleep to function properly. May this continue for you and help your body heal. I have been worried about you as we all have that point where we unravel without sufficient sleep.

@christina

Oh, I misread. I thought it was you getting the sleep.

I had a lot of drugs and utter exhustion which got me to sleep. I hope you can cut a break and get some regular long sleep.

Ohhhh I was talking about your sleep lol

My body simply can’t understand that it needs quality daily sleep. Chronic life long insomnia so I don’t really expect it to happen but when it does oh I enjoy to the fullest !

Thanks !

When we are in a crisis mode it truly takes a lot of meds to literally knock us down, of course we don’t want to always be snowed under but it breaks the cycle and then we can put ourselves back together again

That must be awful. I have had periods of months with little to no sleep before. It makes functioning so difficult. You are incredible to be able to endure this without totally losing your mind. You are a strong woman. You should be proud of all you do accomplish with all your health issues in tow.

High dose Haloperidol and Lorazepam three times a day seen to be helping reduce my agitation. Unfortunately. I can only take haloperidol for a few days before my vision goes wobbly. SOOOOO frustrating as it works a treat. My hope is that as my nervous system calms down and lets the parasympathetic system to kick in and shut this s*** down. Living in fight, flight, freeze mode is exhausting. Every day I tell myself I am safe now and can now calm down. It kind of works sometimes.

Thank you

have not heard from you in a couple of days.
How are you?
I am wondering if you are on the locked in floor. If you are then I think you said they take away your electronics so that maybe why you are silent.
hugs to you
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Thanks for your thoughts, and care for me. I’m struggling to post. It kinda freaks me out. I seem to be more able to post on other threads. I also thought by now everybody would be fed up with me. Even I’m tired of my sad posts. Many of my closest friends have abandoned me as they could not cope with my behaviour. So much is going on in my head so it’s tough to write. Even this was written over a half hour. period. Seeing T today. It should help a lot. I’m in a bad place right now. It came on quickly. Gotta go. Will post when up to it.

Thinking of you Wander. I am not fed up with you! By the way I saw your previous post regarding hormones and as you might recall from my posts I deal with a similar thing (though not the PTSD part) Have you ever tried tracking your moods and hormones? It was pretty eye opening for me and really helps me stay grounded to know what's going on and predict that mood switch. By the way coffee makes my symptoms way worse that time of the month, might just be me but I know others with PMDD like I have say they have to watch out for drinking too much coffee/caffeine. Just mentioning in case there's a pattern for you, too and you find the info useful. I hope you feel better soon.

I’m glad that you are no longer in that frantic scared state of mind.

Your doing really well

I am sorry you are struggling to post. and am very sorry that you are in a bad place......hope the T helped! ((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

I'm not weary of your posts on this thread at all! I came to this board specifically to check and see how you're doing, Wander. And to just say Hi.

Just saw my T and as I was happy and chatty after hellish last 10 days with PTSD. My T thinks I’m about to hit hypomania. While I would welcome some euphoria it always ends up in overwhelming mixed states. I disagreed, I’m just happy to be happy and want to share my joy. My only other symptoms linking to poss. hypomania are trouble sleeping with or without meds and faster talking. My thoughts seem chilled but I’m on a truck load of meds.

Oh, and NO SI today. I am in love with life again.

Now I have to convince my pdoc I’m ready to home home and swim all day in the tiny ocean pool. It is nearly 110’F. So I can be thankful I have air con as I don’t have it at home.

Sorry for the double post. Don’t know what I did wrong. They are both slightly different

It's amazing for me to think if 110 degrees while we're having cooler weather here in California.

Do you truly feel like going home? Perhaps another day or 2, just to be sure you're stable enough?

Thanks. It can get hot here in the S/W of the county. Well, it gets hot every summer. This is just the beginning too. Thankfully I live on the coast and can go for a swim 5 am as it is still hot. The amount, and intensity, of fires is unprecedented. Fire danger is a big deal here. It is getting much worse too.

Unless I discharge AMA, which causes problems. I am stable wit the Bipolar, its the PTSD thats keeping me stuck. The support I am provided here (meds and people) are amazing. My pdoc will keep looking for non-weight game meds that are affective. Plus he consults with psychiatrists and my T to make sure I get well. This time he is offering me a needle filled with anaesthetist to try and block the fight or flight response. I am feeling better but still on edge, clumsy, and forgetful. I think it is the meds. I have been taking a lot but only Haloperidol works when this agitated. yet, I refuse to give up hope that I will be able to work and use my creative skills for income.

Here is me, rambling on.My T says I am elevated, ad possibly hypomania. My speech and thoughts are fast but in control.

HUS to all who need or want one.

Hi every one!

Yesterday it was approved that I could have 2 hours escorted leave. I foolishly believed it was anyone would escort me, but my pdoc said the leaves only for yesterday. This morning(6 am) I asked a nurse to confirm I had leave for today. It became clear that my pdoc thinks I am too unwell to leave the hospital. He also knows my parents can be a big trigger so can only guess he doesn't want me flipping out while on leave. This is such a complicated situation but I dont have the concentration, and memory issues to explain .

So to put it simply; I want to to the beach. It is going to be 40'C (around 106'F) for the next few days. Normally in these conditions I would go for an early morning, and an early afternoon swim. Watching the sun set around 7.15 pm while immersed in nature is amazing. But no, I am stuck here

Until you can get your trip to the beach...

I’m glad your feeling better. My advice is let your Pdoc decide when your ready to go home. Don’t jump the gun. If you are going Hypo it’s best you stay put until your meds can level you out so you’ll not fall back into the hell that brought you IP to begin with. The ocean will be there waiting