How to stop blaming myself?

All the problems I have had the last 5 years originated with severe depression and seeking treatment. I have just recently realized that I am blaming myself for getting sick and seeking treatment. I feel like the hospital ruined my life. My T has been trying to convince me that I had no other options. She did say though that I went back to work too soon each time which didn’t help matters. So how do I forgive myself and stop blaming myself for my illness? Logically I know I can’t control that I get depressed. I mean there are things I can do to help lessen the effect it has on me but I have an illness and need to accept that. I need to accept myself. It is proving harder than you would think. Any words of wisdom to help me get unstuck and able to move forward and not beat myself up so much?

Hi Crook. I'm sorry you are feeling so unwell about past situations, but please work with your therapist to help free yourself of these things. I know you may think it's easy for me to say to let these things go, and it is, but ultimately that is what must happen or one is haunted by them forever. I know letting things live in the past is a process that requires work, but that is an important goal.

What can you do now to help yourself? F the bad things of the past. They don't have to ruin your life. The very first step is this -- give the bad past a literal or figurative middle finger.

What is done is done. I am learning to re-invent myself. I am doing things at 53 that most people my age could never do. Why? Because I *want* to do them. In many arrogant ways, I've taken charge of who I plan to be in the future. It doesn't matter if I succeed or not.

I totally connect with you on this and have a very similar story that I won't bore you with. I strongly recommend that you consider learning about mindfulness. It has the capacity to transform your ability not to live in the past (or the future). The two best writers on the topic broadly in my opinion are Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron. Both are Buddhists, but you need not be Buddhist to benefit. For example, I am a fairly devout Christian, but I espouse a number of Buddhist (non-religious aspects) teachings. Especially mindfulness and the power of breathing. You might search around on amazon or wherever you buy books and tapes and see what might interest you. Both authors write very simply and are a joy to read.

Hi Crook. I can understand feeling this way. Treatment that doesn't work out to your highest possible good can feel like a mistake. There are many things we can do to ensure we get the best treatment possible, but this can be incredibly difficult to achieve when we are not at our mental best. Our judgment is clouded and it can be difficult to advocate for ourselves under these conditions. The medicines leave us feeling life different versions of ourselves that we often do not recognize at first and oftentimes we are just struggling to survive in the moment. Pair all of that with one seeking treatment for the first time without an understanding of how complex the mental health system and processes are and a lot of times the results are less than desirable.

I agree with bpcyclist that forward movement can only be found in the moment. I'll offer a slight twist though. I think it helps when we catch ourselves beating ourselves up about our past. It pulls us backward. This typically isn't the most valuable motion. What is often better is to recognize it and then replace it with thoughts of forgiveness. We can remind ourselves that we were sick and we did what we thought was best. For example, in your case going back to work 'early' was not an easy choice. Keeping a job and reducing the negative feelings others have toward us for being away is real despite what your therapist says. So you forgive yourself for that.

In addition to forgiveness, we also must ask ourselves, what did we learn from the past? Spend time in the moment gathering your lessons learned. Then, project them onto your future. Make a deal with yourself that if you find yourself in similar unwell territory that you will approach it with a better mindset and toolkit. You are no longer new to seeking treatment. You know how better to help yourself.

Forgiveness of the past paired with strategic planning for the future helps us to let go of the anchors that keep pulling us down or backward however you view it. It allows us to truly live in the moment because we have made peace with the past and we can rest easier knowing our future might be a bit easier. For me, this is how I get the most value out of mindfulness in the moment. Otherwise, my ability to connect with the now is split with shame of my past and worry for my future.

I agree.. often we are struggling to survive in the moment..
And when things we know ... from multiple previous experiences will not “work” and sometimes even harm...are apparently (in some cases in a different forest ) all that is offered..
It is sub optimal
I don’t have answers, I wish I had

I've been meaning to try this..
(I have tried with something similar which didn't help much (or maybe it has helped somewhat..) but have heard of those two Buddhists and am going to search...

Very good question the OP asked

This is difficult stuff.

This struggle you have, the mental fight between the logic of knowing its not your fault, but hating yourself because of what your life has become due to illness is so hard. I really feel for you.

I think it helps to differentiate the illness from who you are. It sometimes helps me, sometimes I have to accept my mind is going off on a tangent I don't have the mental strength to control. Those are tough days.

Your illness was thrust upon you without choice. You had no say. One day it was diagnosed and forever now a part of your life. Please remember you are, your core values, your essence hasnt changed. The ability to cope, ability to express and react to life has. That's because of this monkey, your illness, that you carry. Others cannot see it. That makes it 100 times worse because there's no validation that you have an illness.

If you can, roll with it. Don't fight those feelings. Allow them, validate them by accepting its real, it stinks and you hate the illness, the monkey. Get angry with the illness, allow sad, but I promise, its not your fault.

Youre a great person. That hasn't changed.

Xx

I blamed myself for a lot of things when I was an active alcoholic. I am an alcoholic in recovery and am proud of the person I am today. But the first few years i was ridden with guilt over what I put my family through, how it affected my children. My middle daughter has bipolar and addictions issues and I struggle with blame because i sometimes feel it was my genetics combined with the unhealthy environment that caused this for her. My friend who has been sober for a long time told me something simple: "that was then this is now". I have made amends and made positive changes and am no longer the person I used to be. I can only work forward and cant change the past. I have stopped punishing myself for my past and make an effort to make my future stable, loving and safe.
What you have gone through and experienced,and how it affected you and others was 'then'. What you do going forward is 'now'.
"that was then this is now."

Thanks everyone. It is just really hard not feeling like myself. I feel slow at work and like I am dumber. My therapist says my processing speed is slower but it could get better but it has been over 2 years. I keep getting bad feedback at work but I don’t feel like I am doing that bad. I do know I am being completely micromanaged more than anyone else. They are trying to make it so unbearable for me that I quit. I need to find a new job first but I feel like I keep self sabotaging myself on the interviews.