i'm angry because i'm sick!

it's no one's fault i'm sick -- not mine, not doctors, not God. but there are so many things i can't do because i'm sick and it makes me angry! the latest thing i have "sicked-out-of" is riding the bus. after volunteering for free public transit for a year i am now too sick to even RIDE the bus. i wrote about how i took a cab to my Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting because i was feeling too raw to face the four-bus-round-trip journey and i had the key FOB. well that was $60!

i felt better yesterday and attempted the bus ride to OA but it was still the horror, the horror. packed in like sardines, three able-bodied youngsters taking up the courtesy seats for the disabled, pregnant women, those with children, the elderly, those unsteady on their feet (hello!), etc. there was a crowd at the entrance to the bus beyond the yellow safety line so there wasn't even basic safety for them and they were practically in the driver's lap, so squashed it was mildly traumatic and you all know about my recent "fear psychosis" -- it was Hell for me just fighting off hysteria.

well, i'm just gonna adjust how i conduct my life where possible to stay off unfamiliar bus routes, stick to tried-and-true trips like my route to the mall and use a car service when absolutely necessary. from "free-public-transit" to "no-public-transit" inside of a year. my life is just so viciously limited because i can't get around. there are world-class resources in my city like our stunning art gallery where i haven't been in years because the bus service there stinks! the only place i can get to reliably is the local mall, which thankfully is very nice and all but i miss out on so much because i can't get out and enjoy the city!

i'm just too sick now to ride the bus.

i have also been too sick to work for twenty years. also too sick for year-round activities like friendship or partnership or volunteering or vegetarianism or getting an advanced degree or becoming a board member for my condo or the drop-in i attended for fifteen years or cooking-from-scratch consistently, etc. i'm doubtful about my new Overeaters Anonymous group as i fled after twenty minutes during the meeting yesterday because i was overwhelmed by everyone's pain -- also a sensitivity due to weakness from bipolar.

i just feel my quality-of-life is severely limited by bipolar. about all i can manage is my own self-care and caring for my dog, neither of which i do a stellar job at. i just do basic care for us and then i'm exhausted. what kind of life is this where my sum total of accomplishment in a day is i brushed my teeth?

whatever2013, I'm so sorry you ended up having to spend $60 for the cab ride. I had no idea it would be so expensive! I think I may have even suggested taking the cab. I only meant well, not thinking it would be so costly. Again, I'm sorry about that. Is there anyone from OA that lives near you? Maybe they could take you sometime?

I can imagine how uncomfortable the bus rides are. Even the traffic alone in my area is so stressful that people become ultra aggressive. Something must change for the better. There will come a time when people have to draw the line.

Being angry about the illness is totally understandable. I've been angry at times. It's not so bad anymore, but I occasionally have my temper flare up about it. Please don't let the anger destroy you, though. Life is not all bad, I promise you.

As for me, I think my anger is not as much about my illness as it is the world around me. Injustices. The anger and sadness that many people (not just the mentally ill) experience. Today I voted. It may seem like a very small thing or a drop in the bucket, but I know it is important. Almost 40% of eligible voters don't vote in presidential elections. Even fewer vote on off-years, especially ones that only have local candidates on the ballot. When I walked in to vote, I was the only person there voting at the time. All of the people manning the tables and voting booths looked at me and greeted me like a star.

[dotcat]

It's our natural defense mechanism. Meds are important to our nervous system. Being angry degrades synaptic paths. A BIG reason we're more susceptible to Parkinson's Disease.

[fern46]

I think anger is a natural and often healthy response. It is a way of processing negative emotion and the hardships of living with bipolar disorder certainly offer plenty of opportunities to experience negative emotions.

My question to you is, how does your anger serve you? Is it allowing you to process your feelings in a healthy way so that you can move forward, or is it dragging you down? Do you feel anchored or propelled by it? If it is working for you I say get mad. Sit with that for a while and let it motivate you to find your next move. However, if your anger is only creating more of the same and you find yourself dwelling on it, I would suggest looking at that a little deeper. You might find dropping the anger and navigating to something more preferable will serve your interests more.

Maybe you never ride the bus again, but maybe you can. I struggle with the notion that a few bad experiences mean you have to give something up completely. Sometimes that's the case, but I tend to lean toward hope for better in the future. I'm currently struggling with certain music triggering me. I have had to stay away from some very excellent jams with incredibly clever lyrics that I love. I know wholeheartedly I need to full on run away from it now because I cannot afford to trigger my brain into relapse. However, I maintain hope that one day I'll be dancing like a fool again.

Stay awesome Jane, I always enjoy your posts!

[*Beth*]

I'm angry because medication has caused me to gain weight, which has caused my health to decline. I'm angry because I would like to live in a state of euphoric hypomania all of the time, but that's not allowed...I have it, but I can't keep it. So what's the point?

Good thread, whatever, and I'm so sorry you're having a rough go right now

[Zeroid]

Sorry that all y'all are having a hard time. I'm angry for no good reason. I spent thirty minutes sitting in my car in a parking lot trying to leave and run a simple errand but the rage was too much, and people got to stare at the crazy man shouting in the car.

I see my pdoc on Thursday.

[Fuzzybear]

I apologize for the late reply. I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with anger as an emotion. All emotions are part of our experience, some anger is “normal” (whatever that is.) It’s part of the grieving process (for one thing)

Hugs and support to you