Bipolar check-in #42

I saw my regular doctor today because I have been having trouble hearing. One ear was almost completely blocked.

He rinsed out my ears and now I can hear much better. It looks like I need that done every year or two he says. Good thing it wasn't something serious.

I'm still depressed and waiting for Remeron to start working. I'm staying busy and trying to distract myself from the depression, but it's hard.

I've been depressed since December and i am tired of feeling lousy. Last night at Scrabble a player said i was "shrewd." That was a nice compliment. I've been working on my game today and i miss so many plays it's discouraging. I tell myself that anything i do while depressed would be an exercise in frustration. It's just the time of year, not the activity. I just want to feel good. I just want some relief.

Sorry I am late in replying WC. I have had Fibromyalgia for around 20 years. It has varied in degrees of severity over that time. Sometimes mild, and sometimes so severe I can hardly get out of bed. It seems to go in ebbs and flows rather than linear. Right now it is bad but not so bad I cannot drive most days and move around a bit. It is the 'fibromyalgia fog', or cognitive issues that bother me most. I am hoping with the reduced stress in my life I will improve soon. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Earlier this week I stupidly smoked and my lungs had a bad reaction. It hurts to breathe and for two days I felt like I was struggling to breathe which only increased my anxiety. I became overwhelmed and as I had SI my T suggested hospital to rest and calm down. This I declined as I am safe and can rest at home. My Mum is kindly making me frozen dinners so I can rest more. I saw my GP about my lungs and have had tests done. I get the results today. My oxygen levels were ok so it just felt like I wasn't getting enough air. I think my lungs are fine. I smoked as I got to that 'I don't give a f*** anymore' stage after being so frustrated about my physical health. Apart from that I have been very vigilant with my health. I won't be smoking again.

The last few days I have been resting and getting the tests done. I am so bored. This morning I feel tired even though I slept well and have had coffee. I am back at university in 2.5 weeks. If my physical health prevents me from doing that I will be flooded with despair. I am so over this. My mood has dropped and I am irritable also. I am hoping that is situational. I cannot have another Bipolar episode now. It has been almost twelve months since my last one and the break has helped immensely. Overall I am overwhelmed by life right now, or by the lack of ability to engage with it. I am trying to be zen about it all. This does help. It is just a bad week.

I am hoping and praying you will find an answer and help with depression soon. I realize its very intense for you and that you've needed relief yesterday., or years ago now. Hang in there, brother!

Doing okay today. I am struggling to focus on this project, but continue to try. Definitely more able to focus than last week so that's an improvement. I did go to the gym again tonight so that was good. I plan to make it a more regular occurrence as it seems to help my moods and anxiety a lot. I got an email about setting up the OCD appointment. My doctor followed up with them today it would seem and I appreciate that they didn't let it fall through the cracks. Anyways, just a quick check in and back to trying to work. Sending compassion.

I hope your hubby does not have gout.

My brother has high blood pressure. No med totally controls it in his case. He cannot have high blood pressure to keep his job. He drinks beet juice, which does control his blood pressure. The beet juice contains nitric oxide which helps to lower blood pressure. He passes every random physical now. just thought I'd mention incase your hubby has difficulty with all blood pressure meds.

Much Love

Thanks for the input. Yes, my father has had legit high cholesterol. Mine (total) is actually at the upper limit of ideal for those without heart disease, according to the US guidelines, and my LDL and HDL are just fine (HDL is excellent). So, I am not really sure anyone would even agree to treat me. The reason I am a bit concerned is that I am 95% vegan and eat very, very low fat and low cholesterol foods virtually all the time. It just seems like my numbers should be a bit better, given my diet and 200 miles a week on the bike.

I've had that before with one of my ears, except they almost couldn't rinse my ear out because the wax had hardened so much. It took them 30 mins to rinse it out! But it felt amazing to be able to hear again, even if my ear was a little raw for a while!

Glad to hear it was nothing serious, though.

I hope your remeron starts working soon. Sounds frustrating and tiring that you've been dealing with depression for so long.

Sorry to hear that. Have you tried a light box at all? For some people, it's a miracle, so I think it's worth a shot if you haven't tried it yet. Just remember that there are different types of light boxes and not all of them are approved for treating mood.

I have therapy today. Not looking forward to it. I just don't wanna go because I'm lazy and would rather go to work to get my new badge (since I lost mine in the city somewhere). No one goes to work on Fridays, so it should be nice and quiet in there. Plus, since it snowed yesterday, the parking lots here have to get plowed, and once I go to therapy, I won't be able to get back for a while because the parking lots will be blocked off. All the more reason to go to work.

Anyway, mood is fine. I'm surprised I've been feeling well for so long (minus that little upward blip that lasted a week not too long ago). I guess my meds work well when I actually take them. Though, I'll occasionally still hear voices and stuff, but no paranoia or delusions as far as I'm aware. (At least, no one has told me I am being delusional.)

Hope everyone has a good day!! I think mine will be a long one since I plan on working from 11am to 7pm today.

Gout went through my mind, too, but hubby nixed that theory. The doctor (who barely gave him two minutes) simply changed his blood pressure medication. We'll see.

That's interesting about beet juice. I'm not sure if he would like to drink it straight up, but he'd be very happy if I made borscht frequently That's great news about your brother's blood pressure!

Thanks, WC!

Throughout my life I have had similar issues with my ears. I'm glad you have them unblocked. I know how satisfying of a feeling that is.

I hope your depression eases soon.

Hopefully as spring nears your depression should lift. Is that often the case? That does sound like a nice compliment regarding the Scrabble.

I'm hoping your lungs feel better today. This may be a silly suggestion from me, but would some fresh air help?

Sometimes when something new is coming (like classes) it can cause a little dread, but when it actually starts the dread disappears and one asks themselves "Why did I dread it so much?" I hope that is the case for you. I'm starting a French class in four days. I'm feeling like you do and trying to tell the above to myself.

I hope the culprit is not one of your medications, but it could be. In any case, I'd be thrilled if I had your blood test results. Keep doing what you're doing!

Not a lot to report. Last night hubby and I attended a concert at the university. It was nice. I think the musicians did the best job on the final piece (Beethoven's Trio in B-flat Major, Op. 97 “Archduke”). I at first wasn't looking forward to going anywhere, but while there I enjoyed myself.

Nothing on my calendar until my therapy appointment and first French class on Tuesday. I have studied some French over the weeks, but not what is in the actual textbook. I know all of it will be simply review of grammar. It might be the case that I transfer to a higher level. We'll see.

The 'Naked' brand of juice makes a flavor called Bright Beets. It also has apple, carrot and lemon juice in to cut down on the feeling like you're drinking a glass of dirt. I really like it. Maybe he'd be into something like that every once in a while. I drink a half bottle at a time to cut down on the calories per serving.

https://www.nakedjuice.com/our-products/bright-beets/

ECT yesterday. While there I asked my doc about the incident of waking up last month. She told me what she saw and intimated that she wasn't happy with the anaesthesiologist for not telling me in the Recovery room.

Thanks for sharing that. We can certainly give it a try. I'll look for it. I imagine it must be in our large grocery store, or at least Whole Foods. I like that it is no sugar added. The calorie count isn't that bad considering the size of the bottle.

Finally fell asleep a little after 5 AM and slept on and off until 10ish. So, much better that a few weeks ago. The mania is definitely tamped way, way down on this big dose of Depakote we added. Have not been too psychotic, really, much at all, either, though I still don't think the Thorazine is doing anything appreciable. My whole brain is just less activated and more calm now and that is progress. Grateful for that. I just hate it when I am super psychotic--it's just constant panic and dread.

Trying to organize an affordable dentist for this tooth. When it is flaring, which it is much of the time, the whole right side of my face from my neck to my eye is really, really hurting. At its height, it is a 10/10, truly. Hope I can get this done by early next week.

Hugs and love to all!!!!

Increase in Risperdal is working for psychosis and agitation, but I still feel a bit on the manic side of life. only woke up twice last night. I think I like my NP, that means she's probably going to leave soon or I'll get transferred to someone else. Honestly I'm kinda jealous of those of you who say you've had the same psychiatrist for years. I don't think I've had the same one for more than a year because here they're always leaving their practice or something.

I gave up on working today. I left work at 12:40pm because I couldn't sit still and couldn't concentrate. I figured there is no sense in me staying at work for many hours if all I'm going to do is pace around the building.

In the end, I don't think propranolol is doing its job and I need something else -- or at least a higher dose of propranolol if my pdoc is insistent on continuing it. I can't sit still no matter what. It's frustrating as hell. I'm inwardly freaking out right now because this restless feeling is worse than it is on most days.

I might just call the after hours service tonight to see if anyone can help me. I might be able to get ahold of my pdoc for once because I doubt his assistant is working during after hours too. I really need to talk to him about this because it's getting worse and worse. I don't appreciate him writing a prescription for something over the phone when I don't even get the chance to discuss it with him. I mean, he wouldn't even let me have an appt with him!

But yeah, my pdoc's assistant stops listening to phone calls at 2pm. It's 2:45pm right now. There's no way I'd get any help if I called during normal hours, hence I have to call during after hours.

I got up and took n3 to work this morning then went and got the two proofs I needed (from two different places) and then drove to DHHS and turned them in. So Medicaid recert is in the works! Oh! And all three places I was in and out within 5 minutes!

Was feeling euphoric but then had a massive panic attack then hearing voices again and worrying about meds poisoning me and cameras being in my apartment watching me. Just took one of my klonopin so hopefully things calm down a bit. Just some breakthrough symptoms I guess.

Things are going well in my new apartment. I've been here a week now. It's really nice. Still have some stuff to bring over from my old place over the next week. Was going to do some of that today but we have a big snow/ice storm going on right now. Next month I plan on starting to decorate.