[Misfit Toy]

I have hallucinations when I have flashbacks. It looks like I am underwater. Faces look distorted and monstrous. During my flashbacks I believe my loved ones are trying to gaslight and harm me, though I know in my right mind that they aren't. These episodes last usually for about 2 to 4 hours and they are terrifying. I cry and wail and cuss my husband out. I have memory loss during this time and my husband has to tell me what I have done later. I read that flashbacks with psychosis are a sign that PTSD is very severe. I have never told anyone, not even my therapist or pdoc. It is always very embarrassing and shameful for me and I hide it from others.

I am wondering if others experience this. Sometimes I feel I am the only one. It always makes me feel like I am crazy and should be committed.

[Misfit Toy]

Sorry, I posted this on the wrong board.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Misfit Toy

Sorry, I posted this on the wrong board.

I hope you feel better soon

[MtnTime2896]

I'm sure you'll learn more from the PTSD forum, but I can tell you I really connected with what you said here. Flashbacks, hallucinations and not even remembering how I made people around me hurt or even scared sometimes. While that isn't every time or every week (sometimes, it is getting a little worse lately), it's enough to be a problem in so many aspects of my life. Hallucinations with PTSD usually does mean that it's severe, when it hits your family and home it demands to be taken care of (treated) until it destroys a relationship. The illness -- I prefer to say injury -- shouldn't be taken lightly. EMDR is one of the therapies used to help work past the memories and a therapist would be able to tell you more. You're not alone, there's research to be done, but what you described is more common than most people care to admit.

[Misfit Toy]

Thank you MtnTime. I know this is not the most common symptom. I feel better knowing I am not the only one, though I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is hard to admit. I have hidden it for years. The only one who really knows is my husband. Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps a lot.

[fern46]

Thank you for posting. I know it takes a lot to share such a private, confusing and painful experience. I experienced this when core trauma I had repressed since I was a child surfaced. I projected all of my fears onto my husband. I hallucinated. I can only recall portions of the experience. I know exactly how this feels and my heart is with you. I know the shame of this. You are not crazy and you are not alone.

I find it interesting you also experienced this in a way associated with water and the feeling of being underwater. For me, I described it as a dam that finally broke giving way to a flood. It was too much all at once. I have searched for meaning in that and there are many who say water is a symbol for the unconscious mind. We often dissociate when we experience trauma, but our subconscious sees all. I feel like the water is a sign that our subconscious mind wants us to pay attention to what it has held onto for us in our memory until we can process it. I refused and my subconscious took over.

I was initially very fearful to explore the events that led to my psychosis and hallucinating. I am trying to process them now bit by bit and I feel more and more whole as I go. They are a part of me and I cannot simply let it go. Ignoring it is no longer an option and it was tearing me apart. It led me to unhealthy choices. I have learned I can integrate the experiences and view them with a wider and more loving and forgiving perspective. This is helping me to heal what was broken. It still comes up and it is incredibly painful. I still feel fear and anxiety. However, I am now more consciously aware of why it is happening and I can greet the experience and step through it with the balance that comes from loving and accepting myself fully. Even the darkest, scariest, most broken and shameful parts.

I hope you are able to find some balance and peace soon. Much love to you.

[Misfit Toy]

Thank you fern for sharing that. It is always helpful to know you are not alone, even if you don't have a solution for what is happening. I have also made some unhealthy choices, and may again, but I am trying.