Bipolar check-in #43

Good morning, all. I've got to make this quick as my son and I are headed out shortly for an 8-9 hour drive. To celebrate his birthday he wants to visit a bagel shop in Eureka and I enjoy any excuse to drive the Redwood Highway. I'm not feeling the best, but the drive will essentially be nothing but sitting there as the car motors along, not much different for me than staying home. I hope you all have as much beauty in your days as I will have in mine.

Enjoy the ride...and the bagels. That makes me crave bagels, too.

I'm still depressed with body pains, negative thoughts. Still a couple of weeks to go to know whether Remeron is working.

I saw the new Korean movie Parasite with my wife. It's a really good movie with great story telling. It has subtitles but it was ok, they didn't take anything away from the movie. It's intense at times with some violence but it's a part of the story so I don't think it was unnecessary.

I was fully engaged during the movie and got relief from the depression during it. It's always nice to find some relief from the depression during the day. The only long break I get is when I'm sleeping.

I had another dream last night (on the topic of former flings and crushes). Sigh! It was this one particular unrequited love- just something I wanted so desperately once upon a time was true in the dream. I don't know that I'll ever get over this! Luckily the dream is beginning to fade from memory, but it was so intense at the time! Sigh!

In other news, had a nice visit with family last night...and kitties!! <3 "my" kitties!!

9 hours for a bagel? You are quite the father. Have a great drive.

Woke up with another headache today, lots of stress for the coming week and still sick with all this crud. However I am hopeful today. I feel calm since I spent some time reflecting. I go to the psychiatrist soon. I'm thinking of making a list of things to talk about -- especially the stress of work and how I'm not coping well and seem to just eat and sleep. I write my therapist pretty often so he is on top of my current situations. I feel so useless but there are times when I just feel in the moments that aren't so bad, like right now, I need to relish in them.

Very sad today. Just woke up that way, for whatever reason, thinking about the fact that I don't see my kids and really have noone IRL in my life to speak of. I just have an unbelievably limited life. There is no way around that. Maybe it's all that Depakote, crashing me down from the mania and psychosis. I dunno.

Afterthought (because I was wondering why I had this particular dream) it's probably because the topic of my old high school being torn down soon came up again last night and this was a high school crush (although it developed into "something" in the next few years as we sorta kept in touch). Anyway, I have strong feelings about the school closing, but because of these reminders, maybe it's a good thing and these dreams might even go away!

Sorry to read that you feel sad today. Maybe it's a combo of the grief that you feel for being separated from your children, and the Depakote's side effects because mood swings are a very common side effect from that drug.

I have an idea. Write your children each a letter. You don't have to send it to them but you can include it in your book when your book is finished. Or don't include it. But, keep writing them letters when you feel this way. Then maybe someday, you can give them these letters. The letters will document your life story to them in a more truthful way than any information they get from other people.

Also, what about that cycling Meetup idea? Or, joining a Meetup for men who share a love of playing guitar (you could even start your own Meetup for it). I know Meetup seems like a hokey idea but it has worked successfully for me in the past when I needed to revive my social life.

Or -- another hokey idea -- a men's support group for depression. Just trying to brainstorm ways to help you through this day. You are a good person.

@bpcyclist EDIT TO ADD: About the letters -- those are your legacy to your children. Write your children letters regularly for your benefit and theirs.

Someday they will read those letters and they'll be grateful that their father wrote to them. It will fill in the blanks for them about many things, while also lessen their emotional and spiritual pain and maybe even open their hearts.

That's what I was about to post, too! That's gotta be a really yummy bagel.

Here I sit my eyes leaking. I don't have any idea why- allergies? I started reading An Unquiet Mind again. I don't think I've ever finished it but I must've started it at least once before because I remembered the scene where the plane almost crashes on the school playground.

Went out to dinner with a friend this afternoon. Now I'm broke except for that bottle return money. That'll have to be gas money. I know- I shouldn't have wasted my money going out to eat...

I watched a funny video last night on Netflix- a stand-up comedian named Tom Papa. He was like a nerdy version of Lewis Black but without so much swearing.

Watched another video of Andy Behrman. He was giving a speech to a room of people. He called himself a "professional patient". Hmm. Is that what we all are? I know I started another thread on this topic but he seems to be a very nervous person.

I went to my mom's house to water the plants. There are a lot! In a couple days, I'll go back and water a few of them that are every other day instead of once a week.

I see pdoc a week from Friday for a regular check up. I must say I don't think much has been going on bipolar wise. Oh and by the way, I decided to go back up to 150 of Seroquel instead of 100. And I got a shower and dried my hair and am in my clean bed. (I changed the sheets the day before yesterday.)

Has anybody here read An Unquiet Mind? It seems its a slow start.

Wow you sure get around living lots of places lol ... You had a Dermatology practice? I think I saw you mention that before... Where was that located ? Big city or small town ? In one town to the West it’s just the Doctor and his wife , the other town I go to has a satellite office out of Nashville. They have hired staff. There’s such a vast different between small rural town and big city practice. Did you run practice with just your wife ?? I once worked with my first husband and it was very unhealthy, 24/7 together can be tough.

The funny thing is We actually have had 4 or 5 small earthquakes 2.5-3 over the last month .. most recently in Gatlinburg Tn last week was on the national news.

A cool APP is called QuakeFeed , it’s free and shows any earthquakes around the world. Very interesting if anyone is interested ..

Oh volcanoes and major earthquakes are terrifying to me ... yikes I can’t imagine living in an area that has such a higher risk/threat of damaging one. Eeeek !

@Moose72 I've actually read that book, yes. Yeah, I seem to recall a slow start, but it gets really interesting. I thought it was slow though because I personally didn't relate much to her history (i wasn't like really abused or had anything super traumatic happen in my younger years...i mean, one thing comes to mind, but I think it was just me being a child scared of what I didn't understand) Anyway, yeah I liked how she described her thought processes. I felt like I could relate to that. I'm sure I wrote out all of my thoughts somewhere because I was sharing this with my family at the time when we were all invested in getting me treated and diagnosed. I was trying to explain to my family my feelings and thoughts to see if they've ever experienced such things. I seem to recall my brother relating a little (but i could be confusing that with something else, assuming we clicked on this because we tend to click on most things), but like my Dad seemed totally lost and my Mom and sister seem to just suffer from depression so they don't quite relate to some of the elated moments. Of course I don't relate to it all. I've never ran around the roof of a hospital building at the early hours of the night... (can't remember all the details of that passage). Anyway, yes, good book. I took pictures of what I related to on my phone...it's there somewhere. :P

Hope you had a wonderful time

I’m glad you were able to escape depression even if just for a short time, maybe reminds you there is hope

Well there is always that time of flying time then of a great crash and feeling horribly depressed, that is when meds need to be adjusted. Might take a giant hammer of Depakote to bring you down but you likely won’t need that much or it could easily bury you below the sidewalks, so Bipolar is like chess .. moves and counter moves

Christina, the first time I experienced an earthquake was in Berkeley, CA. It was a small one at 5.5 (or close), but north Berkeley was the epicenter. I remember it was late at night and some party of drunk young people started to cheer. I was mortified and afraid to shower for a few days, for fear a big one would happen when I was naked 😋 That's actually true! But then the next one I experienced in Taichung, Taiwan. I was in bed (by myself) and my bed moved from one end of the room and back. I was severely depressed at the time, so just went back to sleep. I think a couple days later my boss took me to the hospital because I had stopped going to work for over a week. Not because of the earthquake.

bpcyclist, so you are a Dermatologist or have a background in that? Wow! I got professional advice on my face rash. You didn't even charge me a copay.

I have never read the book not do I plan too , I have gotten sick of so many confusing her as a “ Medical “
Doctor. In all honesty I actually am pretty anti Bipolar books if it’s based off a persons life. My life is more than enough entertainment for me.

I am extremely jealous of people with good internet that can watch Netflix or other streaming services. Yes it’s a con when it comes to living in a rural area.

I think we all have at some point spent the last money we have on things we shouldn’t have,it happens maybe next month load 50/75 on a card from the store you grocery shop from? At least towards the end of the money and things get super tight at least you’d have money for food, just a thought.

If you do think of anything that might be worth talking about write it down and keep in your purse ??

This is me lengthening my post to at least 8 characters....

I have felt a very slight one here years ago. Was enough to wake me. Bed moving across the room ??? Omg I just can’t imagine!!! Id be terrified !

This APP QuakeFeed is really cool like today Iran had a 4.0 and Helena Oaklahoma had a 2.0 .. I’m just fascinated there are 25+ just today in Puerto Rico ,most are not felt until at least a 3+ of course. But our planet is always moving.

Saw my mom tonight. She asked why I'm not studying for college testing. I played it off as laziness, Not that I'm struggling. I don't feel I'm really struggling because mood wise I'm okay. We went on a walk and talked so there was less distractions. They really want me to get my degree and become a working member of society. My reality and their's are so different. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I know I can study for tests and pass them but I kinda have to understand English for a prolong time to really get it and pass. Even If I do get a degree. Then what? I can't even be alone for a full day. let alone out.

@bpcyclist - dermatology
I have horrible allergies and a tendency to horrible skin rashes (which I don't like talking about, its a trigger to me..)
I use baby aveeno on my face
I was allergic to all the creams prescribed grrr
My face is ''rash'' free with baby aveeno
although washing my hair is a major pita
I even have super sensitive ears (what sort of a bear am I..)

I can understand what your saying for sure. I have a really boring Bipolar life compared to many, which is a good thing lol

So, @bpcyclist and moose, yes, 9 hours for bagels, very good bagels. Thing is, it's a community I lived in for a few years in my twenties, so it's like going home for a few hours. We walked out on the jetty and visited a couple of bookstores. It was great fun, but I'm definitely still ill.

Have a good week, all.

Wow!!!!! just for bagels! they must be fabulous!
Maybe you will have some good bonding conversation?

My friend told me that my order of CBD just came in and I will have it by noon monday! after I get my blood draw for my tegretol level.
I am so hoping it will work like klonipin! Fingers crossed!!!!!!!


I am a bit better tonight.
took down the christmas decorations! finally. Trees are still up though, just undecorated them.

Hubby will put them up in the attic above the car port. His back is bothering him so that may be a few days of sitting in the middle of the room in boxes.
plus 2 loads of laundry...
a tiny bit of paper work for work so it was a productive day.
Took some flowers and a card to a friend who lost her dog, she put him down....he was in kidney failure from diabetes. 13 years old been sickly for years....glad that she has another dog to love too though Mocha.
So I am really getting ready for bed soon...need to eat some peanut butter. Maybe I will get a jar to keep in my bathroom cupboard? Since I am having it nightly now, seems to work great! no more heart burn from the tegretol!!!!
Sweet dreams to you! and thanks for reading!
bizi