Bipolar check-in #43

Somebody got into my Amazon Prime account and ordered something. Amazon was content to just refund the money with no questions asked. I said hold the fort. This may be chump change to them but it’s slightly more concerning to me. Who, what, why, where and how? I left a less than five star review and in two minutes they called my daughter first and then me to see how to get a five star review. Boggles the mind. Hopefully it’s all worked out now. Smh.

I’ve talked before about what an introvert I am and how I prefer solitude. In addition, I’ve been caring for my mom all day so I was quite puzzled to be feeling lonely. It’s not a comfortable feeling and I’m fortunate I don’t get it often.

Still doing well.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Thanks Wild Coyote, its been a grrrrr day. Our talk did help

Going out on even STD is a big decision. I am sure considering this has created some extra anxiety. I hope this all works out for the best in the long run.

I need to get back into therapy again.
The last time I was there it was discovered

that my job carries/feeds into my excoriation disorder.
Like wise with me, I am obsessed with picking at my cuticles

until they bleed. Sometimes This is like that when I do my clients feet.

I will pick too much and they say ow! It will snap me out

of my trance and I will quickly finish up. I am sure I have lost clients for this reason.
I need to lighten up and be less serious.
Now that I am aware of it I think I am doing better.

But I have to be vigilant!
I am using a heavy lotion on my hands and fingers and cuticles at night when going to bed to soften the dry areas on my cuticles, it seems to be helping.
sigh
bizi

I think it’s good you realize Therapy could be helpful

I have a spot on my ankle that I have an open sore from scratching not even aware.. I now keep a heavy bandage on it as I apparently keep removing the regular types in my sleep ... sigh

Well my husband had a Dr Appt today. A couple weeks ago his sister had horrible headaches and they found a brain bleed so she was immediately taken to ICU and many MRI’s and scans taken over a week ... they didn’t really find a specific reason, but the Doctor told her to let her brothers know that it’s likely heredity since there Mom died of a aneurysm. His sister is having follow up MRIs every 10-12 days.

My husband has been having terrible headaches they present like a migraine. But because of his sisters emergency he’s getting blood work done tomorrow they want to make sure his kidneys are healthy because they want the scan with and without contrast some time this week.

So it’s another stress.... ( deep breathing)

Hugs to all

oh am sorry, one more thing to worry about.
thank you for your support!
bizi

You are a saint!!!!

I am so sorry you had to go through those incredibly difficult times in your 30s, whatever. Thank you so much for teh support--it means so much to me.

I really hope you feel better after a good sleep, Oliver. I am just wondering if maybe you should see try to see your therpist sooner than May. You seem to have a lot going on and it might help you. Also, when do you see your psychiatrist again?

Hoping you feel better soon!!!!

I am so sorry to hear about your sister-in-law--that is terrifying. I hope she is abe to heal up with no residual symptoms. Also sending prayers for your hubby. Hopefully, these are just garden variety headaches and nothing serious. Sending you guys prayers and support!!!!

Well, finally got the courage to watch Joker. I was and am a big Heath Ledger fan and just had to see for myself what this Joaqin Phoenix hype was all about. I must say, overall, I thought the film was mediocre, at best. Not really sure exactly what type of mental illnes that was supposed to be--certainly not any Axis 1 diagnosis, that's for sure. Maybe some totally bizarre Axis 2 stuff? Maybe just Really Violent Guy Who Laughs A Lot. All in all, I wasn't very impressed. Also, I am sick and tired of Hollywood's continual glorification of nicotine addiction. Disgusting. Get with the 21st century, people!!!!

Have settled into a thing where I sleep about 7 hours a day in total, which is obviously a huge improvement. Guess I will probably be staying on the Depakote for awhile. That's fine. I'm happy to do whatever will help me, including Clozaril.

I would like to begin being a bit productive again. Writing. Working on this book that is so important to me. But I have been sort of sick for so long, it is hard to get back in the swing of things. Maybe tomorrow.

Love to all!!!!

Whatever and Moose--I am also in a financial straightjacket. It is very difficult. I really do not have enough food, much of the time. But at least I have a place to sleep. Sending you support and strength. I do like the idea of selling whatever you can sell to raise some cash. Clothes, bikes, toys, anything you don't have to have. I hope things get better soon!!!!

Really hate myself right now. I can't sleep because of crap weighing on my mind. I need to get this out. So many of you have suggested therapy/seeing a pdoc to me. Well, this is actually a hot button issue. You see, I've tried it and while I had someone to listen to me at a particularly difficult time in my life, I was ultimately paying someone to just listen to me talk. I could do that here and get better feedback! Second therapist was a little more extreme in the other manner. Talked about herself too much and spoke slowly too so it wasted my precious time. Third therapist (same clinic as first) was for DBT. Only went 4 sessions before we came to the conclusion that this wasn't helping me. First of all, the stuff was like common sense to me. I was already doing similar things from yoga meditation in the past as well as my hubby s logical advices (he may lack emotional empathy, but he's very logical which helps me think less "borderline" like). Anyway, oh and we also canceled because I couldn't do certain exercises for x, y, and z reasons.

Moving on to the pdoc. As I mentioned already (in my journal thread), I'd spend hours trying to set appointments, wait in the waiting room and only get like 10minutes of time to talk and we'd discuss the same b crap every time. Other than getti g my meds, it was not worth it. Waste of tons of time and money because I'd have to make an appointment for EVERY refill! My GP can do this over the phone.

So, while I don't value the thoughtful advice, it just may not work for me. Oh yes, and the fact that I don't really have a ride to go there anymore either. And that it frustrated the heck out of my husband because he wasn't seeing any progress (not that there necessarily wasn't progress, but he pays the bills and wanted to see progress. I can at least understand that.)

Anyway, so yeah, just know that this is why I'm super anxious about my next meeting with my GP because he also seems to be hinti g at therapy too and I privately messaged him that it did help some. He already knows my husband's feelings on the matter. I'm anxious about talking about some of the things that are bothering me about my marriage as well, because it might come as a shock to my husband...although I've tried to tell him things many times. There is one thing though that I haven't yet addressed and I've finally figured out exactly what I need (I think). It's one of the love languages. He doesn't show me love like I need it. He shows me how he needs it. He's very stubborn about this, but I need to make him understand the importance...

Sigh! Ok, I think I'm talked out.

Check my journal thread if you can. I do worry that no one will read it, hence coming here right now, but maybe now youll know. I dunno. I've gotta get to bed now, or at least try. Goodnight!

Woke up at 3:47am. It's now 4:50am ish and I'm at work now.

I brought an easy book for me to read while I am here and waiting for my Ritalin to kick in. I hope it keeps me distracted for a bit.

My mood is okay, but I feel more restless than before, since starting the new dose of propranolol. I don't know why that is???

I hope we come to a solution with the akathisia or whatever the f*** it is. I want cogentin!! Everyone seems to say it's the gold standard!!

Morning Blue

Maybe the new dose has dropped your blood pressure to low ? Normally a lower blood pressure has a calming effect. I was put on Minipress it’s another lowdose blood pressure med to help me sleep but it’s also shown to decrease ptsd nightmares. Well it dropped my blood pressure too low and my body reacted by keeping me up and moving,on high alert “ fight or flight mode” not nearly as awful as what your going through.... but maybe the increase is having an opposite reaction too?

Honestly I have no idea why you are unable to get freaking Cogentin ! It’s not a benzo, it’s not a scheduled drug, it’s a freaking Med for tremors from Parkinson’s disease etc and it is very often a needed Med if a person is on old school Haldol , Thorazine and practically all APs going.

Pdoc 101 is give Inderal and if no help add Cogentin if that doesn’t help then the offending Med just isn’t doable.

I have personally never heard of a bad reaction to Cogentin I’m sure it could cause something of course but it’s honestly in general a Med that will either help or do nothing at all.

I hate seeing you suffer this way for so long I’d like to slap your Pdoc

I can't believe I fell so far behind reading the posts in this thread. So many people I wish I could respond to. If I miss anyone, it wasn't deliberate.

Wildchildflower, I think it's awful the positions we are put in, financially. You hear the government head saying how marvelous the economy is, but for most of us that just isn't trickling down. I liked Christina's suggestion to look at things that can be eliminated, sold, or downgraded without much sacrifice. I've tried to be much more vigilant about using coupons, buying sales items at the grocery stores, and not wasting food. That has saved me a chunk already. We might be selling some stuff in the future.

xRavenx, I'm sorry you're so unwell as to need short-term disability, but it is better to give yourself a needed reprieve then to totally self-destruct.

bizi, my brother-in-law has the same issue with picking cuticles. His fingers are terribly wounded. I think a lot of us have such negative coping habits. Mine has mostly been teeth grinding and clenching. I do think the right therapy can be helpful, but it can take time.

Jennifer, that's scary that someone hacked into your Amazon Prime account. I worry about that stuff happening, too, since it is now more and more frequent. Have you changed your password? What did Amazon suggest to prevent further issues?

Christina, that is scary what has happened to your s-i-l and your m-i-l. It's good your hubby has the heads up on it. I hope that issue doesn't continue.

bpcyclist, I didn't compare the Heath Ledger Joker with Phoenix's at all. I saw them as totally different. I'm not quite sure what Phoenix's Joker dx was either, but didn't think it relevant. I saw mental illness as an allegory in the movie that was clearly making major political statements. I liked the movie a lot, and thought Phoenix did a marvelous job.

Hi giddykitty. I understand the difficulty in finding an effective therapist, but for most of us it is very necessary that we keep trying. The same goes for psychiatrists.

From your recent posts, it is clear that you are unwell right now. Exactly why/how, I don't know. That's not for members here to really know, and though we want to provide support to you, and others, we can't manage the responsibility of being therapist surrogates. Support from members of an online forum is generally not sufficient to tackle major psychological issues, nor should it be. I don't want you to grow frustrated and sicker by it not being.

Hi bluebicycle. I don't want to scare you, but it is possible that if you have akathisia (or RLS or other) that it is simply worsening. I know that when I had akathisia it worsened over time. I even think, in my case, that stress exacerbated it. Perhaps propranolol isn't the right solution for you. I'm sorry you have to wait so long to see your psychiatrist, in order to discuss this further.

Feeling good. I’ve had a pretty good week. Not hearing things. Racing thoughts are gone. Thanks Li and risperidone. (Funny note. Spellcheck changed risperdal to dispersal )

They were not concerned. At my continued insistence, they recommended parental controls and a new password. They did eventually tell me that the charge came from an Xbox registered to my account. There’s never been an Xbox registered to my account. I do hope they follow up internally.