[Victoria'smom]

Spikes please find someone to reach out to we want you here. I'm sorry your suffering.

Like who?

[Victoria'smom]

Is there anyone that you have trusted in the past but they broke that trust but not in a major way?

No. I can't trust anyone around here. Last time I trusted someone I was traumatised.

[~Christina]

Spikes can you call a hot line or a Text line, Would give you someone to talk to???

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am very sorry I had missed this, Fuzzy.

I do know your pain runs very deep.

Are you feeling any better today?

I’m feeling a bit better today

Hugs and respect to all

I just want this suffering to end. Why am I suddenly thinking about suicide every damn day. I can't get myself to go to the ER. I don't know why. I can come up with a million reasons not to go and only one to go. If I can't fall asleep maybe I'll call a crisis line or something. I know what to do, just don't want to do it. All I can think about is sharp objects meeting my body, but I guess I'll watch a movie and see if that'll distract me. I'm about to scream.

Originally Posted by spikes

I just want this suffering to end. Why am I suddenly thinking about suicide every damn day. I can't get myself to go to the ER. I don't know why. I can come up with a million reasons not to go and only one to go. If I can't fall asleep maybe I'll call a crisis line or something. I know what to do, just don't want to do it. All I can think about is sharp objects meeting my body, but I guess I'll watch a movie and see if that'll distract me. I'm about to scream.

It sounds like you know what help you need if you are considering the ER. However, if you are adamant about not going, then I think you should at least call a crisis line or talk to that local crisis team of yours. Just reach out to a professional so you can talk to them. Professionals know how to diffuse situations very well.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by spikes

No. I can't trust anyone around here. Last time I trusted someone I was traumatised.

I have had exactly that experience irl

I hope you can find someone irl who is worthy of being trusted

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Is there anyone that you have trusted in the past but they broke that trust but not in a major way?

Sorry to jump in on this discussion. It resonates with me regarding my experiences in my forest irl. I cannot think of one professional irl who broke my trust, but not in a major way. They all proved not to be worthy of my trust. Even the ''nice'' ones wanted to prescribe meds, at higher doses than were essential, imo, which I feel were not in my best long term interest, and offered little or no follow up.

[Fuzzybear]

I do not think that the professionals irl want me to be here... since over years they have offered almost zero respect or support.

[~Christina]

Spikes, How are you feeling today? Were you able to sleep?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I do not think that the professionals irl want me to be here... since over years they have offered almost zero respect or support.

And I say to them... f y’all.. it’s very sad when it comes to that, and also I am not paranoid. I am very much in touch with “reality”

(not about anyone on pc)

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Spikes, How are you feeling today? Were you able to sleep?

Thank you for checking in
I've been crying all day and feeling awful. This morning on my walk I wanted to see if a location was still a trigger, and it most certainly is.
I had to take my cat to the vet too and found out he has heart problems. He's pretty old so... Best damn cat I ever had though. I love that little bugger so much.
I'm not actively sui right now, but I am passively.
Slept a few hours from 4am to 7am.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by spikes

Thank you for checking in
I've been crying all day and feeling awful. This morning on my walk I wanted to see if a location was still a trigger, and it most certainly is.
I had to take my cat to the vet too and found out he has heart problems. He's pretty old so... Best damn cat I ever had though. I love that little bugger so much.
I'm not actively sui right now, but I am passively.
Slept a few hours from 4am to 7am.

Checking in

I’m sorry you’ve been crying all day and feeling awful. : (sadhug)

It’s great that you’ve been for a walk :-)

I can relate to one or more locations still being a trigger

I could most certainly give more details (but do not think they are relevant to this discussion... one of them was/is a location someone irl resided at .......)

I’m sorry about your cat

I lost the best damn dog I had ever had (in fact the only dog..) at age 11. There was nobody there for me and my pain... but that was to be expected

I think I know what you mean about being “passively sui”.... I hope you feel better soon, whether helped by meds or other. Thanks for checking in

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by spikes

Thank you for checking in
I've been crying all day and feeling awful. This morning on my walk I wanted to see if a location was still a trigger, and it most certainly is.
I had to take my cat to the vet too and found out he has heart problems. He's pretty old so... Best damn cat I ever had though. I love that little bugger so much.
I'm not actively sui right now, but I am passively.
Slept a few hours from 4am to 7am.

Im sorry your crying but thats often a release valve, not pleasant but can often help a bit.. its good you got some sleep at least.

Awww your poor cat Enjoy every moment with him

I think alot of Bipolar people have a kind on always background of " well I could check myself out" I have these thoughts a lot ! But its just part of my particular " Bipolar soup" I get the feeling and I acknowledge the feeling and then find a distraction.. My T and I dont really worry to much until I start pulling out my safety plan and going down the list..

What kind of safety plan do you have ? could more things be added? the more hurdles you put in place the safer you will be..Just a thought !

Stay safe

for my safety plan I have
-will turn over keys, pills, sharp objects to mother
-will call someone on a list of supports
-will call crisis line if no one else is available
-go to ER if life is in immediate danger
-take 1mg of Ativan to help calm down
-when feeling safer, go for a walk (preferably with my mom but usually alone)
-call therapist or nurse

[Moose72]

Does anyone ever feel ashamed or scared about past attempts? I was taken to the medical ER and admitted and after a few days put in psych hospital at the same place. It seems so surreal that I did that now but it was 5 years ago or so now.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by spikes

for my safety plan I have
-will turn over keys, pills, sharp objects to mother
-will call someone on a list of supports
-will call crisis line if no one else is available
-go to ER if life is in immediate danger
-take 1mg of Ativan to help calm down
-when feeling safer, go for a walk (preferably with my mom but usually alone)
-call therapist or nurse

Thats a good list

Can you build onto that to where your starting off with specific distractions or mindfulness to use when you just start to feel any anxiety or other unwanted feeling

Like a specific list of distractions.. Some might sound silly but I have used these in the past and it helps

* pick a color.. Any color you like and go around your room and count how many you can find, then move into the rest of your home, Walk outside still focus on one color...
* another big one for me is polishing my nails , fingers and toes.. My T laughs because my nail polish is almost always what mood state I am in.. If I am sad, they are some shade of blue, When I get angry they are a deep red color. If I wear Black he knows I am in a terrible head space.... When I have been mixed I have had different color nail polish on each finger and toe... But the process of picking the color has me focused on something specific.
* Yoga works for alot of people, but I prefer when feeling unsafe and angry I do cardio, Push for that" burn" is another focus on something specific.

I could go on and on . but when your mind is scattered and going south you need to find just one thing to focus on. a color, a word, a sound etc

At what stage of being unsafe do you take an Ativan??

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thats a good list

Can you build onto that to where your starting off with specific distractions or mindfulness to use when you just start to feel any anxiety or other unwanted feeling

Like a specific list of distractions.. Some might sound silly but I have used these in the past and it helps

* pick a color.. Any color you like and go around your room and count how many you can find, then move into the rest of your home, Walk outside still focus on one color...
* another big one for me is polishing my nails , fingers and toes.. My T laughs because my nail polish is almost always what mood state I am in.. If I am sad, they are some shade of blue, When I get angry they are a deep red color. If I wear Black he knows I am in a terrible head space.... When I have been mixed I have had different color nail polish on each finger and toe... But the process of picking the color has me focused on something specific.
* Yoga works for alot of people, but I prefer when feeling unsafe and angry I do cardio, Push for that" burn" is another focus on something specific.

I could go on and on . but when your mind is scattered and going south you need to find just one thing to focus on. a color, a word, a sound etc

At what stage of being unsafe do you take an Ativan??

Thanks for the suggestions
I take an Ativan either when I get really agitated and feel myself ready to punch the walls and throw things or when I'm so upset I'm considering the hospital.