[Uykulu]

I won’t do it

[Wild Coyote]

HI Christina,

I know it's been very stressful for a very long time now. While I do not think you and Steve should have to go through all you have and are going through, I do hope you will both stay around and both get better! I know you both are exhausted and in pain and I am sorry . I do understand, at least to some degree, your pain and your exhaustion. I am hopeful you and Steve will recover soon. It will take a little time though, You need some pain relief and some deep sleep.

You mean a lot to me. I don't know how I'd handle losing you. I would be very sad and coping would be very tough. I'd much rather you stay around, of course.

I am not giving up hope! Can't.
Love and Prayers!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hi guys !

As many of you know I am dealing with a very scary situation. I have had for years passive suicidal thoughts, Nothing I had to really worry much about until I started checking off things on my safety contract, Well lately I am having some very strong " thoughts" I know that I can NOT do anything. But I truly fear if my husband were to die I could very easily make a quick exit..

My T is aware of my situation and we have a plan if I do need to reach out asap if my life is spinning out of control..

I don't think I'll tell you what an outstanding woman you are...I hope you know that. But (as we all know), no matter how terrific a person we are, no matter how much others want us in their lives, doesn't mean much when it comes to feeling suicidal, or seeing suicide as an option.

I only want to encourage you to do what you already do, to keep doing it...allow your healthy self to prevail. Reach out, receive the support and love that you so deserve to have

[~Christina]

WC.... Your on going support and just being here for me is something that I cant put into words that can tell you how much you mean to me and such an important person in my life

[~Christina]

Beth... Thank you so much for the support

Our Doctor keeps telling me I am doing everything possible to help Steve. I still think there should be more I could do but there just isn't.

I think I will always deal with suicidal thoughts.. But I dont have specific ideas and certainly not a plan..at this point!

[Fuzzybear]

You and Steve are in my thoughts and prayers. I am not giving up hope (like WC I can’t).

Christina and Steve

[~Christina]

Thank you Fuzzy

[bpcyclist]

Very blue this morning for no apparent cause. Not suicidal, but definitely not feeling my life is worht living. I just hate feeling like this. Maybe I will feel better in a little while...

Love to all.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sending kind thoughts, appreciation, positive vibes and much love to all


@bpcyclist I hope this passes soon for you my friend

[~Christina]

BpCyclist Im sorry your struggling.. Can you write down 3 things on paper that you can do tomorrow.. Very attainable things.

Maybe use the 15 min timer to help stay focused.. Its amazing how much can be done in 15 mins, A sink load of dishes washed , dried and put away. What about walking outside and set your phone alarm to go off in 7-8 mins. When it goes off turn around and walk back home.. But it will give your 15 mins outside and change your scenery. My Brain is fried but there use to be a website that you can go click off what food items you have on hand and it helps you come up with a meal using just those things.. It was pretty cool

Anyway try to use the Timer trick, just knowing that you dont have to clean everything at once is a huge help and completing a task is a good feeling.

When I struggle to get XYZ done.. I physically write out things I want to get done, being able to physically draw a line across the ones I complete ,,, its a mental thing but It makes me feel better..

[*Beth*]

I also make lists...just drawing that line through an accomplishment is a reward.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

BpCyclist Im sorry your struggling.. Can you write down 3 things on paper that you can do tomorrow.. Very attainable things.

Maybe use the 15 min timer to help stay focused.. Its amazing how much can be done in 15 mins, A sink load of dishes washed , dried and put away. What about walking outside and set your phone alarm to go off in 7-8 mins. When it goes off turn around and walk back home.. But it will give your 15 mins outside and change your scenery. My Brain is fried but there use to be a website that you can go click off what food items you have on hand and it helps you come up with a meal using just those things.. It was pretty cool

Anyway try to use the Timer trick, just knowing that you dont have to clean everything at once is a huge help and completing a task is a good feeling.

When I struggle to get XYZ done.. I physically write out things I want to get done, being able to physically draw a line across the ones I complete ,,, its a mental thing but It makes me feel better..

This is such a great idea, Christina. Thanks so much! It never occurred to me to write it down. So, I am doing this today. Let's see what happens. Thanks you! Hugs and support!!

[~Christina]

Well Im bringing this thread back front and center.

As many of you know my life has been beyond belief stressful since March with my husbands health and snowballed into me having to drop him at the ER doors and driving home alone 2 weeks ago. He is back home now with an additional problem Diabetes Type 2 , so more to get worked out.

Last week I had my phone session with Richard my T. The company requires he ask questions and depending on my answer it can lead to other questions. The First is " Since we last spoke have you wished you could go to bed and not wake up.. Often my answer is Yes, I mean who doesnt think that at times???mental illness or not. But anyway after saying our hellos... I said I'm just going to say NO , No to all the questions..

In the past when everything is going sideways Bipolar wise I knew that there was always IP if I just couldnt keep myself safe. Well now? I told Richard I simply do not have the luxury of losing it and needing IP , I cant leave Steve here alone, Between the medical stuff and not sure where he is going to be cognitive wise. its not safe. I do not have anyone to drive me 110 miles to IP anyway, Noone can stay here or pop in or even call him a few times a day to make sure he is okay. And lets not forget to add Covid to the mix..

I think often about punching my ticket and getting off the ride, Sometimes in the past with some plans and a struggle with intent , which would cause me to say OKAY time to drive me North Steve, My IP is in Nashville.

So my T and I talked in depth about how things have changed for me, When shoved in the corner I now have to hang on no matter what. So maybe in the fear filled situation I am able to reach even deeper into myself and find the bits and pieces that will keep my head above water?

There is No one that can come stay with Steve and no place I can take him ( not that I ever would) we also have 2 dogs that need cared for so maybe there is a silver lining ? Maybe I can always dig deep and hold on... Maybe Ill never need IP again?

Anyway I am rambling but if nothing else this is back on page one where someone in need might be helped by being able to express feelings on a touchy topic.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well Im bringing this thread back front and center.

As many of you know my life has been beyond belief stressful since March with my husbands health and snowballed into me having to drop him at the ER doors and driving home alone 2 weeks ago. He is back home now with an additional problem Diabetes Type 2 , so more to get worked out.

Last week I had my phone session with Richard my T. The company requires he ask questions and depending on my answer it can lead to other questions. The First is " Since we last spoke have you wished you could go to bed and not wake up.. Often my answer is Yes, I mean who doesnt think that at times???mental illness or not. But anyway after saying our hellos... I said I'm just going to say NO , No to all the questions..

In the past when everything is going sideways Bipolar wise I knew that there was always IP if I just couldnt keep myself safe. Well now? I told Richard I simply do not have the luxury of losing it and needing IP , I cant leave Steve here alone, Between the medical stuff and not sure where he is going to be cognitive wise. its not safe. I do not have anyone to drive me 110 miles to IP anyway, Noone can stay here or pop in or even call him a few times a day to make sure he is okay. And lets not forget to add Covid to the mix..

I think often about punching my ticket and getting off the ride, Sometimes in the past with some plans and a struggle with intent , which would cause me to say OKAY time to drive me North Steve, My IP is in Nashville.

So my T and I talked in depth about how things have changed for me, When shoved in the corner I now have to hang on no matter what. So maybe in the fear filled situation I am able to reach even deeper into myself and find the bits and pieces that will keep my head above water?

There is No one that can come stay with Steve and no place I can take him ( not that I ever would) we also have 2 dogs that need cared for so maybe there is a silver lining ? Maybe I can always dig deep and hold on... Maybe Ill never need IP again?

Anyway I am rambling but if nothing else this is back on page one where someone in need might be helped by being able to express feelings on a touchy topic.

I have been extremely worried about both of you for weeks. Praying hard as I can every night. Listening to you over the weeks, Christina, i am right back where I was. You are overwhelmed. Period. Full stop. You need some freaking assistance, at least for a little while, but I guess you have felt COVID risk is too great. Maybe that could be mitigated with proper PPE and washing for a short while. Just trying to think out of the box. Even a few days could help you catch your metaphorical breath and get sorta dug out a bit.

I am heartbroken. If i still lived there, I' d come myself. Dunno, but maybe, just maybe, there might actually be a way to get a little help and not unduly increase risk.

Sending you strength and support!!!!

[Tucson]

I have confidence that you will make it through this very difficult time. I was the 24/7 caregiver for my mother for I think three years. The last year was a nightmare, overwhelming depression, feeling helpless with little help from others. More than once I considered going IP. But then what would happen to my mother?

I am saying all of this to say that I understand some of what you are going through. I hope very much that your situation will get better for both of you. Your husband is a lucky man having you in his life.

I suggesst pursuing diversions. Maybe the short fleeting period of time not actively thinking of what is happening to you will help..

[*Beth*]

Being a caregiver is hard. You can love the person to the moon and back; doesn't matter, caregiving is still exhausting in every imaginable way. No matter what, there are still your own life's tasks to be done...pets, chores, and that essential and often overlooked relaxation time.

[~Christina]

And I typed up a response and it went " Poof"

Thank you all for the support.. I hope I can get at least a few hours sleep tonight !

I have phone appt with my Pdoc tomorrow, I'm going to ask him for something to help me sleep, Ambien probably as its got the least amount of hang over effect.. I truly need some damn sleep!

Much Love my friends

[Fuzzybear]

Much love to all

[Fuzzybear]

Where did Wild Coyote go?